HoBiscuit

Too Much Of A Good Thing?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Traveling •   3

Even when I win, I lose.

Apparently, HoBiscuit’s sister was so happy with our visit to her humble abode that she spread the word to MotherBiscuit, who in turn has extended an invitation for HoBiscuit and me to visit her new home in Phoenix, Arizona. And by ‘extended an invitation’ I mean insisted that we fly out there ASAP and visit or there will be hell to pay in the form of guilt, guilt and more guilt. And HoBiscuit, bless her heart, just can’t handle Momma-guilt like I can.

Makes her break out in hives, you understand.

So, long story short, I’m getting on a plane tomorrow morning at 6am to go for another in-law visit. Bad news is that HoBiscuit and I are already being yelled at for spending too much money on little things like plane tickets and car rentals. Most likely, this spendthrift chastisement won’t end once they realize that we’re planning on driving them to Las Vegas for a night where we’ll stay at THE hotel at Mandalay Bay, see ‘O’ which is a Cirque Du Soleil show and then gamble, GAMBLE, GAMBLE!

Good news is they think I’m a wonderful son-in-law.

Now, I love to gamble. Not stupidly, though. I hate it when people don’t have limits and do stupid things like go to the cash machine after losing a month’s paycheck at the roulette table. Any way you slice it, people who do that need an intervention. You see, what I do is go to the table with a set limit and if I lose it then I consider that money to have been spent on ‘entertainment’ and that’s it. I never go back to the ATM for more money because if I did I’d lose my place at the table. That would be dumb.

Instead, I give my card to HoBiscuit and make her go.

Anywaste, I know you’re all thrilled sad that I’ll be gone for yet another week, but cheer up. I’ll be back on Tuesday the 7th of December with what I can only assume will be fun stories for you to read about my hellish travels to the city of sin with my church-going, god-fearing, bible-study-grouping in-laws who, with their constant barrage of guilt-laden jibs, unhappy frowns at the money we’re spending on them and their forlorn looks of parental disapproval, will no doubt cause HoBiscuit to turn into a neurotic psychopath who will in turn make my life a living hell.

Ah, good times. Good times.

Bad Medicine

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Home Ownership •   2

It was the perfect medicine cabinet.

At least that’s what we thought when we first saw it hanging on the wall of one of Ikea’s lovely little ‘home’ displays. HoBiscuit and I were immediately taken in by its clean lines, faux wood finish and solid hinges. It also didn’t hurt that we were tired and frustrated after a full day of shopping with absolutely nothing to show for it. So, when we came upon this lovely medicine cabinet that appeared to have been specially made just for us, we didn’t even hesitate to put our money down and take it home.

And that’s when the trouble began.

You see, unlike almost any other piece of Ikea furniture I’ve ever bought, this particular piece needed to be hung on the wall. And when I say hung on the wall, I mean hung straight on the wall using a tool called a ‘level’ and everything. I couldn’t just drill a couple of holes and hang the medicine cabinet willy-nilly because then our medicines, cotton balls and razors might have fallen out of the cabinet, spilled onto the floor and gotten all dirty.

And no one wants dirty cotton balls. It’s unnatural.

So, in accordance with Ikea’s Holy Instructional Pamphlet, I assembled the core structure of the medicine cabinet and then prepared to hang it on the wall. Medicine cabinet? Check. Mounting screws? Check. Electric drill? Check. Level? Check. Someone to hold the cabinet steady while someone else levels and mounts it to the wall?

Oh crap.

I glanced over to where I had last seen HoBiscuit. Looking at me with puppy eyes filled with hope, she was waiting patiently outside the bathroom, all aquiver with anticipation. She had even resorted to putting on an adorable little tool belt to help complete the look of Eager Helper. I knew this would be trouble, but what could I do? Ikea’s Holy Instructional Pamphlet had a drawing on it of not one, but TWO people mounting the medicine cabinet to the wall, and who was I to argue with such a learned institution of authority as Ikea?

Even so, I almost asked her to go get a neighbor. Almost.

Sighing mightily, I gave her the nod and hefted the cabinet to its place on the bathroom wall. As I held it there, HoBiscuit got the level and placed it on top of the cabinet inflicting only minor scratches on the ceiling in the process. When we had repositioned the cabinet so that it was level I asked HoBiscuit to please mark the drill points on the wall by drawing an ‘X’ where the holes for the screws in the back of the cabinet were. They were fairly large holes; able to fit a pencil with plenty of room to spare, and I thought drawing an ‘X’ on the wall was a fairly simple artistic task to ask my lovely wife to do.

Unfortunately, my wife went to business school.

After several attempts, and about 10 minutes of watching her actually bite her tongue in concentration while attempting to draw a fricking ‘X’ on the wall, we had the following discussion, which I will hold against her for the rest of our lives.

“Honey?”
“Mmm-hmm?”
“Is there something wrong?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure, because it seems to me that it’s taking you an awfully long time to draw an ‘X’.”
“Don’t start with me. This is harder than it looks, you know.”
“…”
“Don’t look at me like that or I’ll smack you.”
“Do you know what an ‘X’ is? I can draw one for you if you need a primer.”
“Shut up.”
“…”
“OK, you know what? I think I figured out the problem.”
“OK, and what’s the problem Sherlock?”
“It’s the pencil! The pencil isn’t working right and that’s the problem. I can’t draw an ‘X’ with this pencil.”
“…”
“What?”
“Did you just blame a pencil because you couldn’t draw an ‘X’ on the wall?!”
“Uhmmm… maybe?”
“Holy crap, I married myself with breasts.”

Aneurisms Are Hard

• by GeekMan • In HoBiscuit, Home Ownership •   4

HoBiscuit and I painted our new bathroom this weekend.

GeekMan:
“OK Honey, we’re going to start by doing all the prep work…”

HoBiscuit:
“What does that mean?”

GeekMan:
“Well, we’ll remove the light fixtures, the mirrors and all the other stuff we don’t want to get paint on. Then we’ll sand down the walls and wipe them down to remove dust and dirt, and then we’ll tape off the areas we don’t want to paint.”

HoBiscuit:
“That sounds like a lot of work. Can’t we just paint like they do on Queer Eye?”

GeekMan:
“No.”

[ten minutes later]

HoBiscuit:
“‘Prepping’ is hard. I’m going to sit down.”

GeekMan:
“I can already tell this is going to be a looooong day.”

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Oh Boy

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   2

Have I got a weekend full of stories to share with you!

This Saturday I helped my in-laws throw a garage sale which, contrary to all common sense, they decided NOT to advertise in the local papers. Then, just to tease the gods of fate even more, they only posted ONE sign for passing cars to see and so entice them to come and buy things at the garage sale. Where did they post the sign, you ask?

Would you believe on the corner of a dead end street?!

But enough about the Great Garage Fiasco of ’04, let’s move on to the Hilariously Shameful Car Ride of ’04. On Sunday I went to a family barbecue where I needed to drive 2 hours to the middle of nowhere Long Island with my grandma and grandpa, who have not gone that long without a bathroom break in about six years. As we’re driving up there my grandpa kept up a constant barrage of complaints that were broken only by his attempts to dislodge the world’s largest clump of phlegm from deep down in his gullet. It was the sound I imagine a sick dog coughing up a wet cat coughing up a giant hairball would make.

No, I take that back. This sound was wetter.

At one point grandpa stopped complaining long enough to toss out this little gem that will live with me forever, “You know, I’m only talking to keep myself alive.” I laughed so hard I cried, and then I laughed some more. The barbeque was wonderful, but it was the ride home I was dreading, and for good reason. On the way home, poor grandpa couldn’t hold his water for the whole trip and thus commanded my grandmother to hand him “The Cup”.

Oh yeah, he did. And my car has leather seats.

So, here I am barreling down the Long Island Expressway at 85mph and in my head is the following prayer;

Oh, Lords of Sky and Earth, please hear my plea. Let the road be smooth and his aim be true because if he misses and pees on my car I’m going to kill him.

So, of course, we hit a bump.

Grandpa:
“Whoa! Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.”

GeekMan:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm. Wow, I don’t think my pants have been this wet since I was a baby.”

Grandma:
“Shut up! You don’t have to say anything! They wouldn’t know if you kept your big mouth shut!”

Grandpa:
“What? You think they won’t smell it when it’s all over the back of HoBiscuit’s seat?”

HoBiscuit:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandma:
“Shut up, you idiot! I would have wiped it off before they knew! You and your big mouth!”

Grandpa:
“I don’t hide my mistakes! How can I when I’m seen in public with you?!”

Grandma:
“You drive me crazy. Why haven’t you put that thing away yet?”

Grandpa:
“I think I’ve got to go again. Give me back The Cup.”

Grandma:
“With how you treat me, it would serve you right if I just let you piss yourself…”

GeekMan & HoBiscuit:
“Give him the cup! GIVE HIM THE CUP!!!”

Everyone:
“…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm…”

Book Of The Dead

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   2

A little bit of advice.

Should you ever come across an old diary while cleaning your home whatever you do, do NOT open it. Should you somehow find yourself overcome with curiosity and thus unable to refrain from opening the diary, do NOT read it. If, by some freak accident of sight, you then discover that you’re actually reading the diary and the first entry begins with, “I can’t believe she left me for him when she found out I couldn’t afford it.” Do NOT call the wife over and read the entry out loud to her. Instead, put the diary down, douse it and yourself with gasoline, light a match and enjoy the warmth. Because when your wife turns to you with a jealous look and asks, “Who is ‘she’, what is ‘it’ and why were you in love with this whore in the first place?” you’ll have no one to blame for your weekend of torture and pain but yourself. And if you don’t like sleeping on the couch because it hurts your back well, it’s a hell of a lot less painful than sleeping next to an angry wife.

You have been warned.

The Day After Tomorrow

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Traveling •   8

Look out California, here we come!

For the first time since we’ve been married, HoBiscuit and I are traveling together on what some people would call a ‘vacation’, but what we call a ‘Destination Of Convenience’, or DOC. DOC means that we’re going to California for a wedding and tacking on a getaway week for ourselves because we really need to take a breather from all the work we’ve been doing. Now don’t be sad, we’re not going away forever and I promise to tell you all about our trip when we get back. Come on now, there’s no need to cry. Turn that frown upside down…

Oh stop it! I’ll be back on June 7th, you big crybaby.

Anywaste, we’ll be going all over northern California, from San Francisco to the Oregon border to Yosemite to Monterey, so even though I’ll try to update this site with stories of our travels while we’re there, if I were you I wouldn’t be holding my breath. During our stay out west, we’ll also work in a day to meet and greet two of my favoritest Bloggers ever, despite the fact that the Governator has declared our meeting to be an act of terrorschism. And if our meeting doesn’t cause an interdimensional rift of cataclysmic proportions, then I guess we’re just not trying hard enough. Jules, JadedJu, Hobiscuit and GeekMan will meet in California this Saturday, and the world will quake beneath our feet.

May god have mercy on us all.

Weekend Update

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Rants, Traveling •   4

I feel violated.

This weekend HoBiscuit and I went down to Virginia as moral support, and living/breathing second opinions, for friends who are moving there in a few months due to a job offer. We drove all over Virginia looking at over a dozen apartments in two days trying to help them find the ‘perfect’ place to live in for a year until they decide whether they’ll stay down there or come back to NY.

I, for one, hope they come back sooner.

Anywaste, we were in the parking lot of some apartment complex when my wife, the Lovely HoBiscuit, starts screaming and pointing at me. She’s hopping from foot to foot as if she were doing the pee-pee dance and turning in circles while screaming “Ew! Ew! Ew!” over and over again. Now, I’ve grown used to the reaction HoBiscuit has when the mind altering, GeekMan-isn’t-really-Quasimodo, love-potion-like cocktail of drugs I give her wear off, but something told me this was different.

The fact that she wasn’t pointing at my face gave me my first clue.

Then I noticed the feeling of a little extra weight on my back. And the weight was moving. Now, since I have the quick reflexes of a striking viper and the mental dexterity of a flying walrus, I quickly deduced that I was being attacked by some sort of creature that could sting me to death, like a giant Geek-killing wasp or a flesh-eating woodpecker. So, taking into account my years of training as a Green Beret Bonnet, I did exactly what I had been trained to do under such circumstances.

I panicked.

I started turning in circles while trying to swat the thing on my back and screamed at HoBiscuit, “Get it off! Get it OFF! I’m allergic to stings. Help me or I’ll die! Get it off! Get it off!” All the while HoBiscuit is screaming at me, “Get it off! Get it OFF! Don’t come near me! I’m not touching it! It’s disgusting! Get it off! Get it off!”

As you can imagine, you’ll never see either of us on Survivor.

Finally, after what felt like forever, I realized that it was not some super-sized stinging insect on my back, but a large, slow-witted and harmless cicada. Sighing in relief that I would not be dying this day, I calmly asked HoBiscuit to flick the little thing off me so we could go look at the apartment with our friends.

The look of horror I received was not encouraging.

After calmly explaining to HoBiscuit that cicadas are harmless bugs that would never hurt her, she calmly told me that she didn’t believe my lying ass because it looked dangerous to her and she would rather watch it eat my empty skull than risk touching it. After trying and failing to reach it myself, and after calming her down from hysterical to moderately anxious, she agreed to help me remove the bug as long as she didn’t need to actually touch it to do so. Then, trusting fool that I am, I turned my back to my wife and calmly waited for her to remove the bug. This may help you understand why I wasn’t prepared for her to start dancing from foot to foot while hitting me with her purse while screaming, “Ick, ick, ick!” Now, all you nature people out there shouldn’t worry because the cicada flew away before HoBiscuit was able to calm down enough to properly aim her Handbag Of Doom.

On the other hand, I’ve got three broken ribs.
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Dig Your Own Hole

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

Let the games begin.

HoBiscuit and GeekMan are sitting in the house, she’s reading and he’s working on the computer while listening to randomly shuffled MP3s when Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield” comes on. Halfway through the song HoBiscuit, The Mighty Wife, turns to GeekMan with a mischievous look in her eyes.

HoBiscuit [being cute and coy]:
“Honey, you know I love you, right?”

GeekMan [not really listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [unhappy with GeekMan’s inattention]:
“Do you love me?”

GeekMan [unheeding of the warning signs, still not listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [eyes angry slits and lower lip pouting]:
“Do you know that our love is a battlefield?”

GeekMan [oblivious]:
“Mmm-hmmm.”

HoBiscuit [angry in an adorably cute way]:
“Well, do you know that I’m winning?”

GeekMan [finally waking up to the fact that he’s in danger]:
“Huh? What? I don’t… you… what?”

HoBiscuit goes back to reading her magazine with a very, very satisfied smile. For the rest of the day GeekMan is so confused and frightened that he actually does the laundry and vacuums without being asked.

Game – Set – Match : HoBiscuit.

Epiphany

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   8

It just occurred to me that I’m going to have sex.

What I mean is; I’m married now so at some point in the future I almost have to get lucky. Right? Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even for years and years and years. But one day HoBiscuit will turn to me and say those three little words that every Geek ever born knows will lead to hot monkey sex, and this is one Geek who’s going to start training now so he’ll be ready for that big day.

50 pushups every night. No hands.

That’s right people; GeekMan is ready for action! I won’t be caught unawares. I’m going to be a lean, mean, sex machine. My moment in the sun, my time to set off fireworks to the music of the night is fast approaching and I’m going to be ready. Ready for HoBiscuit to finally give in to my charms, my suave and debonair advances, my begging & pleading and utter those three, sweet, sexy words that’ll lead to sweaty bodies and stained sheets.

“I want kids.”

Oh man, just writing that made my nipples hard. Yeah baby, YEAH!

Hello World

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   10

I live again. Kinda.

It’s a whole new world for me now. I’m no longer the pathetic little Geekman you might remember from just a few short weeks ago. Things have changed for me, much is different, and nothing will ever be the same again. There’s a ring on my finger, a humongous wedding bill in my mailbox and a burn on my forehead from the ceremonial branding iron that reads, OWNED.

Sorry ladies, I’m now a married man Geek.

For those who might care about such things as a tell-all about the bachelor party debauchery, or a description of the beautiful wedding ceremony, or a play by play analysis of the action-packed and activity filled reception, please keep your panties from getting tied in a knot and be patient for just a little bit longer. The gory details, complete with some pictures, will be forthcoming. But for right now, the new Mrs. GeekMan and I are fricking tired and are going to spend a little while together doing married couple things.

For example; sleep like the dead.

And after an eight hour party for almost 200 of our closest family and friends, I think we deserve some sleep. Don’t you? And before anyone asks, the answer is no. Bread did NOT make it into the bridal suite to videotape me begging for some newlywed nookie. And just to make it perfectly clear right now, I slept on the couch because my back hurt and not because I had any performance anxiety regarding my sexual prowess. I’ll have you know I’m a tiger in bed. That’s right, a tiger.

A. Fricking. TIGER.

Rowr.
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