Family

Mr. Mom

• by GeekMan • In Family, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   3

Today I am the Manny.

I’m taking care of The Mighty Baby and The Awesome Dog while HoBiscuit goes to work and brings home the bacon. Because I love her so very, very much, I’m even going to prepare dinner for her and have it hot and ready to serve as soon as she walks through the front door.

FYI, I’m making pork chops, corn and spicy potatoes.

In other news that won’t get my ass kicked to Timbuktu, HoBiscuit and I finally bought a TV for the living room. It’s the Samsung LN55A950 and it rocks. Great picture, blackest blacks and almost no judder or pixelation. I couldn’t be happier.

But it gets better.

We also got a home theater PC (HTPC) and hooked it up to the Samsung. I’m still setting it up, but so far it is pretty cool and I’m thrilled to be able to surf the web and do “light” work on a supersized 55″ screen. The only real drawback is that The Mighty Baby screams and cries every time I try to use the HTPC because SHE wants to play with the keyboard! She is soooo going to be the little Geekette when she gets a little older.

And I couldn’t be more proud.

Tiny Link

• by GeekMan • In Family, Geek Life •   0

Tiny Art Director.

I’ve been reading this blog for a while and it is just awesome. It’s like my own personal nightmare brought to hilarious life. I bet that once The Mighty Baby can speak in full sentences she’ll be giving her daddy “helpful” direction when he’s doing graphic design for his clients. “No daddy! That logo is too blue! It needs more pink. MORE PINK! And a butterfly. A princess butterfly. Do it! Do it NOW!”

Lord help me.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

• by GeekMan • In Announcements, Family, Geek Life •   0

I must be a masochist.

I say that because even though I have a 1 year old little girl, a job that requires frequent and extended travel away from home, a portfolio that has been soundly trashed by the crashing markets AND a loving wife who has never in her life had a pet of any kind, we decided to adopt a dog. And not just any dog, no. THAT would be far too easy. So of course we had to adopt the cutest dog we could find at the shelter that just happened to be a mix of Labrador Retriever and Border Collie, which shall henceforth be known as a “Labracollie”.

I liked it better than Border Retriever.

For those who may not know, Border Collies are fricking SMART. And active. Very, very active. And Labs are also pretty active and need constant attention. Add into this mix that Trixie (yeah, yeah, yeah) is only about 3 months old and completely NOT housetrained and you can probably understand why I’m so scattered right now. I’ll post pics as soon as I can, but suffice it to say that both Trixie and The Mighty Baby get along pretty great so far and Trixie is fast becoming a great addition to the family.

Even with all the poop and pee. Ew.

Time To Fly

• by GeekMan • In Family •   1

I’m off to Arizona to visit the in-laws.

From what I’ve been told, my father-in-law has gotten very… crotchety. In fact, according to my mother-in-law, he’s become downright mean. Why, just yesterday she complained to HoBiscuit that my father-in-law had made the house so cold that her very bones had frozen! Apparently, she had to escape outside during the hottest part of the Arizonian summer day just to warm up. When HoBiscuit asked her mother what temperature her evil father had set the thermostat, she expected to hear some ungodly low number, like 60 degrees Fahrenheit, or something. Imagine her shock at hearing her mother’s angry response of, “He set it to 79! It’s so cold I have to wear a sweater and socks inside!”

Ah, old people. Bless them and their blotchy, cellophane-like skin.

Sounds Of Silence

• by GeekMan • In Family, Rants •   1

There is so much I wish I could talk about.

If I could speak, I might be able to tell you how spending the last month with my in-laws has been… interesting, to say the least. Were I able to utter the words, I might explain to you the massive differences between how our families show each other love; over-feeding people vs. humorously insulting people, for example. And I might also mention that what is normal for one household to do, even in their own home, might be interpreted as an insult to the others. Were I not under a gag order, I could mention in-law snore-offs during football games, some people’s inability to try new foods, their frightened dismissal of anything done differently from what they have done in the past and their complete lack of technical know-how that makes it impossible for them to properly use any household item from 1980 forward including, but not limited to; cooking using a Wolf stove, turning lights on and off using dimmer switches or operating a touchscreen TV remote. My current speech impediment keeps me from imparting to you the absolute insanity of someone I know of who might insist on using a $15 screwdriver to remove weeds from a patch of weed infested dirt that the homeowner has said many times over would be ripped up and replaced next summer with actual grass. I can’t possibly tell you about how some truly crazy people I know feel the need to collect every circular in the neighborhood on their daily morning walks only to loudly proclaim over breakfast how expensive everything is compared to where they live so maybe they should give you money because obviously you’re too poor to afford to eat. And, last but certainly not least, let us not forget how my zippered lips keep me from ever telling another living soul about all the ‘helpful’ advice on, and ‘constructive’ criticism of, the way HoBiscuit and I take care of the Mighty Baby.

Wow, the stories I could tell if only I could talk to you.

But I can’t.

Oh well, at least I can tell you that by next week I should really be back to a daily-ish posting schedule. And this time I actually mean it.

Oh, don’t try to hide that smile. I know that makes you happy.

Infantastic

• by GeekMan • In Family, Geek Life •   0

I thought I could handle it.

Just me and MightyBaby in the house while HoBiscuit and the In-Laws went out for a much needed day out. For some stupid reason, I thought MightyBaby would behave as she almost always does, sleeping most of the day away, the peaceful tranquility only occasionally punctuated by bouts of crying to get food or to be changed.

Unfortunately, my day has gone something like this;

Zero Hour: “Oh, she’s such an angel. She’s sleeping, she’s got on a clean diaper and she just ate, so there’s nothing to worry about. You guys go out and enjoy yourselves, I can take care of her. I mean, you’ll only be gone for about 4 hours, how bad could it be?”

5 Minutes Later: “Why are you crying? You’re supposed to stay asleep so daddy can play Halo3. Do you have gas? Is that it? Gas? Or could it be…?”

30 Seconds Later: “Holy crap! That’s NOT gas!”

5 Minutes Later: “OK, feel better now? Another clean diaper for you and now you can go back to sleepy-land, right?”

30 Minutes Later: “Why won’t you go to sleep? You’re supposed to be sleepy. You had a big meal, a clean diaper and no gas. Sleep for daddy, please?”

15 Minutes Later: “Daddy never realized how difficult it is to type emails with one hand. Perhaps daddy should look into buying a voice recognition program?”

15 Minutes Later: “Ixnay on the ogrampray. Daddy bets a screaming baby in the background would mess up the voice recognition software. Oh well, daddy will just have to train you to take dictation when you’re a bit older as punishment for this inconvenience, won’t he?”

30 Seconds Later: “Daddy was kidding! Come on! Just because you didn’t like the joke doesn’t mean you needed to voice your opinion quite so odorifically! Now daddy has to change you. Again. And stop looking so proud of yourself, it’s not lady-like.”

30 Seconds Later: “Daddy takes it back. He’d be proud of this, too.”

10 Minutes Later: “OK, now daddy bets you’re hungry. Well, you’re in luck! Daddy just happens to have 3 ounces of special BiscuitMilk for you right here. And daddy knows that after a big meal you like to be burped and then you’ll fall into a deep, peaceful slumber. And then daddy can play Halo3! So, bottoms up!”

30 Seconds Later: “Hmmm, that was fast. Now daddy wonders if he was supposed to let you eat the whole thing so quickly…?”

30 Seconds Later: “Exorcist Baby! Exorcist Baby! Exorcist Baby!”

30 Minutes Later: “Right. Well, now you’re all clean and changed. You’ve eaten, and retained, some small amount of food. And you’ve been sufficiently burped. It’s about time for you to sleep, so how about we turn off all the lights and rock in the chair for a bit and see if that helps put you in the mood?”

15 Minutes Later: “Well, rocking sucks. How about we try walking?”

15 Minutes Later: “Walking sucks even more. You’re still crying and now daddy’s tired. How about we try sitting quietly on the couch?”

10 Minutes Later: “Much better. Couch is good. We love Mr. Couch, don’t we Mighty Baby? No more crying, daddy can rest and even better, once you fall asleep daddy can just put you down on the couch and play Halo3 with you right next to him so he can keep an eye on you. It’s genius!”

5 Minutes Later: “What’s with the big, sad eyes? Why are you staring at daddy like a lost puppy?”

5 Minutes Later: “You’re beginning to creep daddy out with that big-eyed stare. What are you looking at? Daddy’s not that handsome.”

5 Minutes Later [whispered]: “Do you see dead people?”

10 Minutes Later: “What? What did you see in daddy’s face that made you smile like that? Does daddy have a booger?”

5 Minutes Later: “You’re so lucky you’re cute.”

30 Minutes Later: “OK, you’re drifting off now, you’re getting sleepy, I can see it. So, how about we put you down next to daddy on the couch, on this nice, soft blankie, and daddy plays some Halo3? Is that OK?”

30 Seconds Later: “OK, before daddy can play, he needs to use the bathroom. Please stay asleep so daddy can pee, OK?”

5 Minutes Later: “Whew! Daddy feels much better now. OK, time to play some Halo3!”

30 Seconds Later: “Why are you crying? All I did was turn on the XBox… Hey! Did your mother teach you to hate video games already?”

10 Minutes Later: “Well, you’re starting to fall asleep again and your mother will be home soon, so Iguess I’ll just put you down in your crib.”

5 Minutes Later: “Sigh. NOW you fall asleep? 5 whole minutes before your mother is supposed to come home?”

5 Minutes Later: “Hi Honey! How was your day? Did you all have fun? Us? We were fine. We had a great time together and MightyBaby was an angel, of course!”

And I still haven’t even opened up my Halo3 box yet. Dammit.

Meatasaurus

• by GeekMan • In Family, Geek Life •   3

I need meat.

I know it’s healthier for me to eat vegetables and green things and stuff, but the honest to goodness truth is that I need to eat meat to survive. Not, “I like to eat meat.” Nor, “I’d love steak with my salad.” Not even, “I really like having at least one meal a day be of the meat variety.” No, these statements do not do justice to the fact that my body MUST have meat in order for me to be happy.

And right now I am not happy.

This is because I am not eating my quota of meat every day. You see, MotherBiscuit and FatherBiscuit are staying with us right now to help us out with our new baby girl. I really, truly do appreciate all the help and advice they’re giving us. Without their help HoBiscuit and I would probably have been overwhelmed with everything we needed to do once The Mighty Baby arrived, but thanks to their help and support we’re actually rested and of sound mind and body.

But the food situation…

Let me fill you in on a little background. When HoBiscuit and I were dating and I went with her to visit her parents they would feed us such foods as would make anyone feel like a king. 12 course dinners, 7 course lunches and breakfasts’ of such bounty as to cause the kitchen table to buckle and collapse from the weight. They took care to find out what I could and couldn’t eat and made dishes to cater to my needs. Each meal had at least two different meats for me to choose from. They welcomed me with open refrigerators and showered me with their culinary confections.

But that’s all changed now.

Now, all I get is some watery soup, iceberg lettuce, plain white rice, some shredded potatoes and, if I’m lucky, scallion buns. Did you notice what was missing from the above menu? Oooo, nice try. You’re right that dessert wasn’t mentioned, but that’s not the most glaring omission of my most recent dinner. Do you need a hint?

A whole freaking course, is what!

No meat! None! MotherBiscuit didn’t even pass the rice over some meat scraps left over from last week to infuse the hint of meat odor onto it. At the end of the meal MotherBiscuit asked me if I liked it, and I said yes thinking there was more coming! I didn’t realize that the meal was over. If I had, I might have asked for seconds of the potatoes and chased that down with about 25 scallion buns!

OMG, I was soooo hungry!

Now, I realize that just by being here MotherBiscuit and FatherBiscuit are doing us a massive bit of help. They truly are. And lest you think I’m complaining about their good intentions let me state here and now that I appreciate everything they’re doing to help. I just wish that over the course of their stay that MotherBiscuit will find it in her heart to once again begin cooking real meals so that when I leave the table I am actually full. I mean, I’d cook more myself but every time I get near the stove MotherBiscuit appears at my shoulder like some wraith and begins asking questions. And there’s really no good way a good son-in-law can answer questions like, “Is my cooking not good enough for you?”

Man, I gotta get me a steak before I kill something.

The Monster

• by GeekMan • In Family •   0

Dear Morpheus, son of Hypnos, how I do miss you.

So, I’ve got myself one of those, what do you call them… ? Ah, yes. Children. And now I can’t seem to find enough time to do anything, especially sleep. And in case you didn’t know, I really, really like to sleep. At least I think I do. It’s so hard to remember since the last time I slept was months ago and I believe it was for a whole three seconds.

Come to think on it, that might have just been a long blink.

Anywaste, as I have discovered, these children things are like adult anti-sleep pills in tiny demon form. They drown your ability to sleep as if they were some giant vat of Red Bull and, even if all they’re doing is sleeping themselves, you find yourself sitting at the edge of their crib watching them sleep to make sure they’re sleeping well.

It’s as if this mini-beast has swallowed my free will.

However, it should be noted that just as some hostages form symbiotic bonds with their captors, I find myself willingly submitting to my new master’s will. When she cries for food, I find HoBiscuit and offer her to my tiny goddess. Should the Mighty Baby desire a nap, I will gladly kill the garbage truck driver who dares to meander down our street with his loud truck that caused her to furrow her brow. And should she have gas, I am first to gently pat her back and help that nasty air get out. But, what about the poop, you ask? Well, I have to draw the line somewhere and my line is right above the Mighty Babies buttocks. Because for “Teh p00p” we have a wall hook, a power wash hose and a hair dryer.

OMG, that stuff is nasty!

Recovery

• by GeekMan • In Family, Geek Life •   3

Can’t talk, drowning in pink death.

Baby girl stuff… frightening. Little dresses, cuteness overload. Tiny hats, itty-bitty socks, smaller-than-small shoes… So. Damn. Cute. I will melt. I’m going to be like putty, like jello, in her hands. She will “pwn” me and I will be her willing slave. “Daddy, buy me a pony!” “Anything you want, princess.” No! No! I must resist the adorabulessness of the Mighty Baby. I must be stern. Strong. Unbending. And the first thing I must do is play Halo to regain my manliness.

The second thing is I need to do is stop crying when folding little, pink shirts.