Just a little something to occupy your mind over the weekend.

It seems that people are never satisfied with time. When they’re young they always look to the future and when they’re old they revel in the past. Young people are always in a rush with nowhere really important to go but desperately trying to get there in time, while older people take their time moving around even though they know they have far less time than their younger counterparts.

With that in mind, here’s the question.

At what age do you believe you were, or will be, happy with your here and now? And what were you, or will you be, doing?

It’s almost time for summer camp.

When I was a kid I both looked forward towards and loathed the coming of summer. Like almost every kid, I loved the ending of the school year and the beginning of summer, but I also knew that because of summer, I would have to leave most of my school friends behind and go off to the wilds of upstate New York for two months of kiddy incarceration at Camp Beatdakidz. Of course, that wasn’t the camp’s real name, but it might as well have been since all the counselors and CITs had an enormous amount of fun beating the crap out of all the kids in their care. They also spent far more time getting into each other’s pants than they did looking out for the campers which helps explain how Randy Holstrom, a kid deathly afraid of nature, managed to break his arm when he fell out of a tree after someone (who shall remain nameless… ahem) shouted, “Man-eating bear!” at a camp-out.

Ah, good times. Good times.

So, in celebration of the coming summer, and to help those of you who might be going to summer camp, or who might be sending their kids to summer camp, I present to you;

GeekMan’s Top Five Awesomest Summer Camp Practical Jokes Ever!

1. Wrap clear plastic wrap around the underside of the toilet seat. This one works particularly well on women’s toilets, since they always have to sit down or squat and they also don’t have any dangling parts to give them a warning that something is wrong. Sometimes it is also necessary to unscrew the nearest lightbulb so as not to give the joke away prematurely through a stray reflection.
2. As someone is showering, pour your favorite drink powder on them from above. Hot chocolate powder and bright red Kool-Aid powder work best. This one is not as effective if you can’t get them from above because from the sides it’s too easy to wash off. Plus, they can see you do it, which is bad.
3. You and a friend grab the arms of a younger camper, one arm for each of you, and begin asking the frightened kid, “Who do you like better, him or me?” Whoever it is who the kid didn’t say he liked better will immediately begin hitting the kid in the arm until the kid changes his mind at which time the OTHER guy starts hitting the kid until he switches back. This continues until the poor kid is a retched, sobbing heap on the floor or until you and your friend are laughing so hard you can’t keep your grip on the kid. This is a favorite for counselors and CITs and for some reason never grows stale.
4. Pour ketchup on someone’s sheets, near where their feet will be when they go to sleep, and then re-make the bed. Later that evening when they get into bed, they’ll let out a horrible scream and, when they jump out of the bed in horror, they’ll look as if they’re covered in blood. This is best when done early in the day so that by the time the person gets into bed at night the ketchup is the same temperature as the bed sheets and it will take them an extra second or so to realize what’s wrong.
5. Hang someone’s underwear on the flagpole. Extra points if it has the kids name sewn in the lining. Super bonus if the kid is still wearing them at the time.

Got any of your own you wish to share?

I’m never too busy to daydream.

Let’s say you’re over your friends place. Let us also conjecture that your friend lives on the 20th floor of a high-rise apartment building. Furthermore, let us imagine that your friend is boring you to tears by showing you a slideshow of a recent trip to a public library in Tanzania. In such circumstances it is perfectly understandable that in order to prevent you from committing suicide by gnawing off your own lips and bleeding to death with a bloody grin on your face you might look out of the window.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

Hypothetically speaking, what would be the first thought in your head if, when glancing out the window, you saw a narrow ledge about 20 feet below that lead to a dilapidated fire escape which in turn lead to a six foot leap to a nearby condemned building’s rooftop, across from which there was an open window showing you a comfortable chair in front of a television which just happened to be showing your most favoritist TV show ever? And, just to complete the picture, next to the chair is a small table with the remote, your favorite snack food and an open cold one.

And a sign saying, “Welcome to Paradise”

I’m a simple man, with simple needs. So, theoretically speaking of course, seeing something like this when I was so bored that I was seriously wondering if anyone would notice if I willed my heart to stop beating so I could die, I know for a fact what would go through my head. No matter what his age or what kind of physical shape a guy is in, no matter how many times in his life he has failed miserably at any and all physical tasks he has ever faced, every guy in the world will have the exact same thought in their head as they look across at what at that moment seems to be their ultimate salvation.

“Hmmm… I could make that if I really wanted to.”

Something I wanted to mention yesterday, but forgot.

At exactly 1:02 and three seconds AM, the date and time read 123456 which is perhaps useless information, but I still think it’s pretty cool to know. I could be wrong, but the next time the date and time will align so nicely won’t be until 12:34 on May 6th 2007, which will read 1234567. If you wanted to be picky, you could say that all of these date/time combos are flawed in that I am ignoring the zeros contained in them and that none of them can be as nicely expressed as the date and time was at 12:34 and 56 seconds on July 8, 910AD, which would have read 12345678910. But then again, I’m sure they had more on their minds back then than making the date and time look pretty in their personal diaries.

You know, like the collapse of the Western Roman Empire or being pillaged by Vikings.

Rank	Quote	Movie
1	Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.	Gone With The Wind
2	I’ll be back.	The Terminator
3	I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.	The Godfather
4	You talking to me?	Taxi Driver
5	Go ahead, make my day.	Sudden Impact
6	There’s no place like home.	The Wizard Of Oz
7	Use the Force, Luke.	Star Wars
8	I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.	A Streetcar Named Desire
9	As you wish.	The Princess Bride
10	It’s good to be the king.	History Of The World Part 1
11	What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.	Cool Hand Luke
12	You can’t handle the truth!	A Few Good Men
13	Yeah, baby. Yeah!	Austin Powers
14	I coulda been a contender.	On The Waterfront
15	Say "hello" to my little friend!	Scarface
16	I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!	Network
17	Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.	All About Eve
18	Show me the money!	Jerry Maguire
19	All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.	Sunset Blvd.
20	Striker: Surely you can’t be serious. Rumack: I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley.	Airplane!
21	I’m too old for this s—t.	Lethal Weapon
22	Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape.	Planet Of The Apes
23	Excuse me while I whip this out.	Blazing Saddles
24	I’ll have what she’s having.	When Harry Met Sally
25	I am not an animal! I am a human being.	Elephant Man
26	Put… the candle… back!	Young Frankenstein
27	The stuff that dreams are made of.	The Maltese Falcon
28	We’re on a mission from God.	The Blues Brothers
29	They’re here!	Poltergeist
30	Bond. James Bond.	Dr. No
31	Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.	The Godfather II
32	Game over, man! Game over!	Aliens
33	I’m walking here! I’m walking here!	Midnight Cowboy
34	Hasta la vista, baby.	Terminator 2: Judgment Day
35	They call me Mister Tibbs!	In The Heat Of The Night
36	Here’s Johnny!	The Shining
37	Well, nobody’s perfect.	Some Like It Hot
38	Elementary, my dear Watson.	The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes
39	Badges? We ain’t got no badges! We don’t need no badges! I don’t have to show you any stinking badges!	The Treasure Of The Sierra Madre
40	Stupid is as stupid does.	Forrest Gump
41	There is no spoon.	The Matrix
42	If you build it, he will come.	Field Of Dreams
43	I want my two dollars!	Better Off Dead
44	I see dead people.	The Sixth Sense
45	What’s happening hot stuff?	Sixteen Candles
46	It’s alive! It’s alive!	Frankenstein
47	You’re gonna need a bigger boat.	Jaws
48	Alllllll righty, then.	Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
49	My precious.	The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers
50	Houston, we have a problem.	Apollo 13
51	You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?	Dirty Harry
52	Hello, gorgeous.	Funny Girl
53	Ouch.	E.T. The Extra Terrestrial
54	Made it, Ma! Top of the world!	White Heat
55	Rosebud.	Citizen Kane
56	Throw me idol, I’ll throw you the whip.	Raiders Of The Lost Ark
57	Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.	Wall Street
58	I am your father.	Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
59	Whaddaya think I am, dumb or somethin’?	Singing In The Rain
60	Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!	Sons Of The Desert
61	Yippie kay-yay, motherf—-r.	Die Hard
62	He slimed me.	Ghostbusters
63	Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.	The Graduate
64	There’s no crying in baseball!	A League Of Their Own
65	No wire hangers, ever!	Mommie Dearest
66	Goooood morning, Vietnam!	Good Morning Vietnam
67	Kahn!	Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn
68	Sanctuary!	Hunchback Of Notre Dame
69	You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order!	…And Justice For All
70	Tell me about the lambs, Clarice.	The Silence Of The Lambs
71	Run Away!	Monty Python & The Holy Grail
72	Thank you sir, may I have another?	National Lampoon’s Animal House
73	You’ve got me?! Who’s got you?!	Superman
74	To infinity and beyond!	Toy Story
75	Magic mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?	Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs
76	Kill (kill, kill, kill)	Friday The 13th
77	These go to eleven.	Spinal Tap
78	Open the pod bay doors, HAL.	2001: A Space Odyssey
79	You know, for kids.	Hudsucker Proxie
80	That’ll do, pig, that’ll do.	Babe
81	I know you are, but what am I?	Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
82	Must go faster. Must go faster.	Jurassic Park
83	Second star to the right and straight on till morning.	Peter Pan
84	The first rule of Fight Club is – you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is – you DO NOT talk about Fight Club.	Fight Club
85	Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!	It’s A Wonderful Life
86	I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.	Who Framed Roger Rabbit
87	You know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.	To Have And Have Not
88	What do you mean, I’m funny? You mean the way I talk? What? Funny how? I mean, what’s funny about it? But I’m funny how? I mean, funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to f–kin’ amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How’m I funny? How the f–k am I funny? What the f–k is so funny about me? Tell me. Tell me what’s funny!	Goodfellas
89	Tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper.	Knute Rockne All American
90	Where does he get those wonderful toys?	Batman
91	I’m a professional killer.	Grosse Point Blank
92	One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.	Animal Crackers
93	I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.	Say Anything
94	Who’s on first.	The Naughty Nineties
95	I’m king of the world!	Titanic
96	Carpe diem.	Dead Poets Society
97	You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills… Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.	Napoleon Dynamite
98	Nobody puts Baby in a corner.	Dirty Dancing
99	This is my Boom Stick!	Army Of Darkness
100	I feel the need – the need for speed!	Top Gun

Did you see this?

Well, I did. And although there were many worthy quotes that made the list, there were also far, far too many that shouldn’t have been there at all. Not that they weren’t good quotes in and of themselves, but a lot of them have been surpassed by more recent movie quotes or aren’t nearly as relevant as they have been in the past. Plus, no matter how great the quotes were, some movies had far too many to be fair.

And that’s where I come in.

This week I’m going to be posting my own version of the top 100 movie quotes of all time. In some respects my own rules are a little more lenient than the AFI’s, but in other ways I’m a little more critical. For instance, I will only accept ONE quote from any single movie. That means that Casablanca will only have one quote on my list instead of the 6 it has on the AFI list. Also, no matter how influential the quote was in the past, if it is no longer relevant or part of the common consciousness of the general public, then it won’t be on my list.

So, “Hasta la vista”, Soylent Green.

Starting tomorrow I’ll begin posting my top 100 movie quotes of all time in installments of 25 per day. If you have a favorite quote that you’re afraid I might overlook and would like me to include it on the list, tell me. Leave me a comment here with the quote you like and the film it appears in and, depending on whether I agree with you or not, I’ll put it on the list. And if it just happens to be on AFI’s list, that’s ok too. But not if it’s from a pr0n movie. “Uh… oh baby, yeah.” Is not acceptable as a quotable movie quote, and I don’t care how many times you’ve said it in your life.

You hear me, Bread? No pr0n quotes! None!

The words get in the way.

This week is short story week here at The Mighty Geek so I’m going to try to limit my posts to under 500 words each. To the average person this may not sound that hard to do, but considering that these first three sentences of this post have already used up 77 of my allotted 500 words, well you can tell I’m going to have my work cut out for me.

Me like-y to talky.

Anywaste, there are many reasons why I’m doing this experiment this week, not the least of which is that I’m trying to write the new Adam DragonHart story for you so I can post it sometime next week. So, in order to keep my sanity, or what’s left of it, I decided that for this week, and this week only, I would try to keep my Blog posts at a minimum while still entertaining all three of my loyal fans, whom I actually have to pay to get them to visit here although they did manage to trick me into signing a “comments cost extra” clause.

Bastards.

Well, that’s all neither here, nor there and I’m sure you don’t really care. All you probably care about is that beginning tomorrow I’ll be posting a series of short stories based on my childhood memories that are sure to entertain you to no end. So pop some corn, grab a comfy chair and join me tomorrow when GeekMan’s Stupid Short Stories Week begins in earnest! Or, you could do something constructive with your life like learn a trade or raise a family.

You know, whatever floats your boat.

But I know you don’t care.

So, instead of reciting to you the actual laundry list of boring, mundane things I did this weekend, I thought it would be more fun to tell you all the things I imagined I did this weekend. You know; all the adventures I went on in my head while I waited in line at Macy’s for HoBiscuit to finish shopping so I could give her back her purse.

Because I’m a real man, that’s why.

I’m not doing this simply as a writing exercise due to my inability to come up with any real content today either, even though it might seem that way at first. I’m actually doing this in the hopes of improving male/female relationships of the future. Honestly, I am. Because women always seem to think that men have deep, relationship centered thoughts at all times and so, when they ask a man what he’s thinking they’re always, ALWAYS, disappointed when he answers, “Nothing”.

And trust me ladies, it’s always ‘nothing’.

So, here’s just a few of the random thoughts that went through my head while walking through a mall with my lovely wife, HoBiscuit. Just to keep it interesting, I’ve tried to write them in the order they came into my head at the time. So, without further ado, here are the Random Daydream Meanderings of a Man Called GeekMan.

• I hope we don’t go to Macy’s.
• Dammit.
• Spray me with that and I’ll kill you so dead your children will be stillborn.
• Lady, you need a fashion intervention.
• People wear that? In public?!
• Why do I always have to hold the purse?
• Woah! What does she have in here, limestone blocks?!
• Don’t look at me, man. It’s not my purse.
• That’s right, walk away or face my secret mad-kung-fu skilz.
• Hmph. I coulda kicked his ass.
• If there was a fire, could I save HoBiscuit and those kids over there before heroically succumbing to smoke inhalation?
• What if it was an explosion?
• Boring.
• Is it really possible to outrun a fireball?
• What if I had on my good sneakers?
• Nice boobies.
• Ok, so I save everybody from the explosion, but I still need to find the bad guy and terminate him.
• That guy looks like a mad genius; he’ll be the bad guy.
• If I concentrate really hard, I bet I could break a brick with my finger.
• So I’m fighting through the horde of gun toting thugs to reach HoBiscuit and free her before the mega-bomb goes off when…
• Stilettos and a bikini equals – H. O. T. HOT!
• How can she come out empty handed? She went into the dressing room with ten different shirts!
• Nice boobies.
• Stupid malls.
• Why aren’t there any anime stores here?
• Dum, dum, la, la, la. Dum, dum, la, la, la.
• So, if I had too, how would I get from this level to the first level to fight a ninja?
• I have got to get a grapple hook gun.
• Heh, I can see her butt crack.
• This mall sucks.
• Mmmm! Free pretzels!
• Victoria’s Secret, dead ahead!
• Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.
• THIS is where the ninjas should attack me.
• Please lord, make HoBiscuit buy this…
• Dammit.
• Hot dog! A French maid outfit!
• Lord, I’ll be your best friend if only…
• Dammit.
• Heh, mannequin boobies.
• I did NOT just get caught staring at a mannequin’s boobies by a group of teenage girls.
• Alien invaders, if you’re out there, take me. Now.
• Everybody was kung-fu fighting, those guys were fast as lightening…
• Note to self; buy a collapsible pole axe.
• I like cheese.
• Nice boobies.

Sometimes I question my TP technique.

But then I remember how silly the other techniques are. You see, I’ve heard tell of people out there who use a TP method I think is both absurd and irresponsible, but every once in a while I wonder if maybe, just maybe, that method would work better than my current wrap-and-fold technique.

Luckily, I always come to my senses in time.

Now, I’m sure that the people who use this weird method of crack-spackle removal don’t do it because they’re devil worshippers, I’m sure they’re nice people who just don’t realize the danger their immortal souls are in every time they go to the bathroom. But anyone who uses the method I like to call “The Brady” is in for a big surprise come judgment day.

And I’m not talking a good surprise, like chocolate cake, either.

For those of you who might not know, The Brady method involves gathering up some TP in your hand and just bunching it up willy-nilly for the big ole’ wipe. Not only do I frown upon this method for its overindulgence of two-ply, I also don’t like it because it just sounds so messy. Think about it, you’re taking a wad of bunched up TP in your fist, sticking in a place you will never see with your own eyes and praying your hand is protected as you clean steaming fresh poopy from yourself.

Now to me, that sounds awfully dangerous.

I mean, what if you failed to wad the paper up properly and there was an area of your hand exposed to your foul detritus as you did the reach around? You wouldn’t know the danger you were in until after you felt the stinky, warm squishy with your own hand.

And what if you had tacos the night before?

You’d spend the rest of the day trying to avoid touching anything and everyone while surreptitiously sniffing your hand and hoping against hope that the cheap soap your office always buys for the public restroom would manage to remove the evidence of your bad TP technique. And what do you think would happen if someone should notice that you kept sniffing your smelly hand all day at the office? They’d laugh at you. And point. And call you Poopsniffer behind your back.

And then the cute receptionist would never date you. Ever.