Ho-hum.

I’ve entered my second month of trying to save GeekMan’s dying website with my Ask Bread! feature and I couldn’t be more bored. No one’s sent me pictures of themselves nekkid and covered in butter yet, not even Michele and she’s usually the first freak on the net to whip out her mammaries for a good cause.

Maybe if I claimed to have a penicillin infection?

Anywaste, let’s get right to this weeks stupid questions. Mike, who’s obviously never been here before, asks;

Bread,
How does a blog owner become as cool and as widely popular as you?
Mike, King of CSS

Mike,
You shouldn’t come here and insult me like that. First off, I don’t own this stupid site. This site stinks; no one ever visits, it’s boring and it’s so unfunny that it’s used as an example of how to screw up being funny in clown school. If I owned this site I’d remove it from the web, nuke the server farm that hosted it and then find the guy who owned the server farm and kill him, just in case. But, in the off-chance you really do want to become famous, here’s a list of what you need to do to become a massively popular and universally loved web site writer. Learn them. Love them. Live them.

Solonor, who keeps coming back here no matter how many restraining orders I get, asks;

Dear Bread,
A two-part question:
1. Which wine do you suggest for the candlelight dinner when the power goes out tomorrow?
2. Can you predict the future? Will I still be here to read your stupid reply tomorrow? Or will I have been blown into the southern Atlantic by Hurricane Charley?
Sincerely,
Hatches Battener in Florida

Dear Hatches,

Yer trying to sneak in a bunch of questions, ain’tcha? Well, two can play that game. Your first question is one of the dumbest I’ve ever been asked. Everyone knows that the proper wine for a blackout is red wine ‘cause you don’t gotta put it in da fridge. I suggest you buy your wine in boxes because I know that’s your favorite type of wine, you fricking wine connoisseur, you. Here’s the answers to your second question;
Yes.
Yes, unfortunately.
No, unfortunately.
Oh, and don’t forget to put on your house’s parking brake or you’ll wake up tomorrow on I95.

Schmuck.

Lastly, GeekMan wants everyone to know that he and his wife are selling half their house in an effort to start fresh in their brand new home. So, if you’ve ever been pathetic enough to dream of one day being just like GeekMan, now’s your chance to actually own some of his crap! If you want to know what they’re selling you can check out their listing on Craig’s List and click on the link for pictures of their crap. And if you want some of their useless junk, write him and he’ll be so ecstatic to talk to you that I’m sure he’ll even write you back. And don’t worry; he’s much nicer than I am.

Cause he’s a SAP!

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for Ask Bread!

Luanne, another anonymous idiot, asks;

Dear Bread,
Why doesn’t this site get updated every day like other sites? Sometime’s days go by without anything new. I bet you’d be more popular if you wrote every day, especially about your grandpa. He’s funny.
Luanne

Luanne,
I will only use small words because you must be an idiot. No one with a brain reads this site. No one. If you like to read GeekMan’s stupid words, and actually check every day for new stories, then you either ride the short bus or should be riding it. No matter what he does GeekMan will never, ever, be popular, even if he only wrote about his grandpa’s funniest bowel movements from now until doomsday. So why don’t you go to the doctor, get a new brain and get yourself a real fricking life, ok? Loser.

HoBiscuit, GeekMan’s ‘fictional’ wife, wrote;

Lazy Bastard,
Did you clean the house yet? Did you do the laundry like I asked? If you’re Blogging instead of doing what I told you to do again then you’re a dead man. And don’t forget to hang dry my bras. If you turn them pink again I’ll kill you.
Love,
HoBiscuit

Dearest Love of GeekMan’s Life,
No. No. Sharpen your knives. He forgot. I hope you like tie-dye underwear.

——————

And there you have it, another wonderful installment of Ask Bread! If you’ve got a question for Bread send an email with the subject “The Mighty Question” to: bread at the mighty geek dot com. You can ask him anything, anything at all, and he promises to give you the answer you deserve. And ladies, he’s still waiting for you to send in that picture you have of yourself covered in melted butter, so don’t delay and send it today. Huh? What? What?! You mean to tell me that you don’t have a picture of yourself covered in melted butter to send to Bread?

Well, what are you waiting for? An invitation?

Hey losers, it’s time for the third installment of Ask Bread.

Luke, who thinks he’s cleverer than he really is, asks;

Bread,
Why do people persist to call kissing “sucking face”?
Luke

Dear Luke,

As far as I can tell people call it Sucking Face for a very simple reason; it’s a more truthful label for what it is you do when you open-mouth kiss. Sucking Face ain’t a pretty term, but then again it’s not like kissing looks pretty, ya know? I mean, you guys need to close your eyes just to get through the whole process without fricking gagging and still you insist that it’s a pleasurable experience to “French” kiss. As if anyone out there truly believes that the French would ever invent as disgusting a process as swapping germ infested liquid from one host to another by tongue wrestling your opponent into submission to more easily kill them. However, Sucking Face does more accurately describe what’s happening when you humans put your lips on another human’s lips and push your tongue down their throat as they choke on your spit.

It would be more humane to simply stab them in the neck with a pen.

Mr. Hentai, the only guy who’s a bigger loser than GeekMan, asks;

Dear Bread,
Did you ever get a yeast infection?
Mr. Hentai

Dear Mr. Schmuck,

Ha, fricking, ha. You’re some kind of wise-guy, ain’tcha? You think you’re so funny, making yeast jokes because I’m made of bread, huh? How’d you like it if I came over there and smacked you upside your pointy little head? I don’t know about you humans, but when a female piece of leavened bakery product gets a yeast infection it ain’t no joke. You better call in the National Guard because they’re going to make your life a living hell until that infection goes away. And when I say living hell, I ain’t kidding! Lady bread products go fricking bonkers when they’re infected with yeast; they get real mean, and real fricking nasty, real fricking quick. They’ll bite off your head and spit out your teeth if you even look at them funny so do us all a favor, Mr. Funny Guy Hentai, and don’t never bring up yeast infections again or I’ll come over to your house and poop in your shoes.

Then I’ll shave your cats.

GeekMan’s one and only fangirl, Annessa (who’s website don’t seem to be working right now), writes;

Dearest Bread,
This is not so much a fan letter as it is a request. Could you please remove the picture of me in a tshirt? For some reason, my boyfriend has developed a problem with someone seeing my overly large mammaries in something that’s not baggy and loose. Sorry about the trouble, and thanks,
Annessa

Sweetcheeks Annessa,

This is fricking GREAT! The one fan who’s ever sent in a picture of themselves to that loser extraordinaire GeekMan is actually asking to have it removed from his pathetic site! I’m fricking loving you right now, Annessa. So much so, that I won’t even make some lame joke about your breasts as I remove your picture from this site. You know, some stupid play on words like, “Thanks for the mammaries.” or “Boobies be gone!” or “Milk-Toast.” or something equally dumb like that.

Heh, Milk-Toast. I like that.

————————

There you have it, another successful installment of Ask Bread! no thanks to that lazy loser GeekMan. If you’ve got a stupid question for me, the fricking mighty Bread, then send me an email with the subject line “The Mighty Question” at bread at the mighty geek dot com. If you’re female and want to prove how much you love me, send me a picture of yourself covered in butter so I won’t feel so bad when I’m locked up here in the house while GeekMan and HoBiscuit go away for the weekend again. Just imagine GeekMan’s face when he sees all the wet crumbs on his keyboard Sunday night… Hey! He’s the one who deleted my Land-O-Lakes sexorama gallery! I’m just giving him what he fricking deserves!

Don’t look at me like that. I admit I’m a perv, what’s your excuse?

This week’s first question is from Solonor, who writes;

Dear Bread,
When you get toasted and fall down in the gutter, do you land butter-side-up?
Curious Fan in Orlando

Dear Curious,
Ya’ know, it’s funny you should ask me that. It used to be that the joker who runs this pathetic site would threaten to put me in the toaster whenever he got mad at me, but that all ended the day I used some experimental asbestos-butter on my crusty body and now I’m immune to toaster threats. Now, if you were somehow implying that I was some sort a’ drunk or something, then frick you up your poop-shoot because I’ve been on the wagon for the last six months. That’s right, ever since the day I woke up next to that old fruitcake in New Orleans without my wallet or any memory of how I got there or even the fruitcakes fricking name.

Embarrassing and uncomfortable do not do that scenario justice.

As for what happens whenever I’m feeling sexy and cover myself in butter and fall down, well… it’s a scientific fact that I land on my buttered puss. Don’t laugh, do you have any idea how difficult and time consuming it is to get lint off of a buttered piece of bread? Especially when you ain’t got no fricking hands?

—————

Carly Tremblay, who ain’t got no website, asks;

Dear Bread,
I’m an avid reader of The Mighty Geek’s blog and I was wondering if you knew why i wanted to marry him so badly. I’ve had dreams of his sweet, geeky body laying next to mine after passionate Geek sex. Please shine all of your wisdom down to me.
Thank You,
Horny and in love with The Mighty Geek

Dear Horny and Fricking Stupid,
You’re a fricking idiot. First of all, you’re an idiot for reading this stupid site because it isn’t worth your fricking time. Secondly, I don’t know if you were dropped on your head too many times as a kid or if you wuz just born retarded, but if you’re in love with GeekMan da’ Loser then you should just stick your empty head in the oven and call it a day. Hey, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, there ain’t no GeekMan. That’s right, he don’t exist. He’s just a figment of my imagination, a made up product of my unleavened mind after I took too many dips in some bad olive oil a few years ago.

Italian restaurants still give me flashbacks.

Now, if what you’re looking for is sex with someone who’ll play your body’s pleasure points like a fine-tuned instrument, then you can send me a picture of yourself covered in butter and if you ain’t too ugly, then maybe I’ll show you a good time. At the very least I’ll add your picture to my collection of wacky porn crap to butter up to on my computer, and that should make you happy. This way I can “shine all of my wisdom down to you” whenever I’m feeling lonely and I won’t have to put up with hearing you talk afterwards.

Dress sexy and put a stick o’ butter between your mammary glands, then take a picture and send it to: bread at the might geek dot com. You’ll thank me later.

—————

That’s it for this week, losers. Keep sending in those questions though, because although there’s nothing I enjoy more than making GeekMan look like a jackhole, making his readership hate him and love me comes in a very close second. And I know for a fact that you all fricking adore me.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m all that and a bag of croutons, be-yatch!

Welcome to the first installment of Ask Geeky Bread!

Over the last two days my inbox has been deluged with a virtual rainstorm of questions from you, my loyal readership. Because of the huge amount of questions I’ve received, and also because I’m very tired and it’s very late, I’ve decided to hand over the whole operation to Bread and let him deal with all these wacky questions. I’m sorry to spring this on all of you like this, but Bread’s insisting that I let him do something around here or he’s going to make my life even more miserable than it is now.

And although I can’t imagine what he could do, he swears it won’t be pleasant.

Because he seems to think that he has some sort of life beyond this website, Bread’s also going to limit his answers to just two questions for this first installment of Ask Geeky Bread!. This weeks questions have been selected randomly from my inbox and if Bread’s answers should offend one of you, well… I don’t really think Bread cares.

So, without further delay, let’s get knowledgeable!

Sharon, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes;

Dear GeekMan Bread,
I love your site and am hoping that you can help me. I’ve been single for a long time and have prayed every night for a new man to come into my life and make me feel complete, but so far the Lord hasn’t answered me. Where can I find someone who will make me happy for the rest of my life?
Sharon
P.S. Please keep me anonymous.

Dear Loser Named Sharon,

I don’t usually play the matchmaker, especially for losers like you, but you know what, Sharon? I think I may have found the perfect man for you. He’s a loving, generous, caring and forgiving man who’s always been sympathetic to the needs of everyone around him with never a thought for himself. If you like to party, he’s always throwing big dinner soirées and doing simple magic tricks to keep his guests entertained between courses. And even though he was born in a barn and raised on a farm he still loves to walk the city streets and just hang out all night. If you think he might be the one for you, you can visit his website and contact him yourself, but be warned; his father can be a little intimidating to those he doesn’t like.

On the other hand Sharon, maybe you’re just too fricking ugly to ever find a man and should just give up and start looking outside your species. I’m not saying that I’d sleep with ya, but I know a guy who has a friend who works in a zoo and he says that the silver back gorillas ain’t too picky.

JadedJu asks;

Dear MightyMan MightyBread:
Should I pursue the woman who flirts mercilessly with me, although she lives with her partner of three years? Especially if I’m really attracted to her? Even if I know morally it’s wrong?
Love and Kisses,
The Jaded One

Dear Jaded One,

When faced with this confusing moral dilemma I usually tell people to remember that anyone who cheats in order to be with them now will probably be willing to cheat on them later. However, since you are obviously a desperate woman willing to sacrifice pride, self esteem and moral fortitude in order to finally end her Sahara-like sexual dry spell, I will instead educate you on the finer points of successfully stealing a lover without losing friends and still coming off as the innocent good-guy while the relationships around you dissolve into seething jealousy and vicious hatred. There are three steps to doing this and they are as follows:

1. First, seduce the partner of the person you actually want to be with. Male or female, straight or gay, once you’ve charmed them into doing so little as smile warmly at you from across a crowded room in full view of their lover they’re as good as gone.
2. Next, tell the person you want to be with that their lover has been coming on to you, or groping you, or visually raping you, or stealing into your home to wear your underwear, and that as a “friend” you thought they should know that their lover was a sicko, cheating, lying, dirty whore that didn’t deserve to be with such a wonderful, smart, exciting, hot and sexy person like themselves
3. Now, when the person you want to be with starts crying on your “friendly” and supportive shoulder over their horrible choice of lover, stick your tongue in their mouth and your hand down their pants and show them just how good a “friend” you can be in their time of need. In the morning, after they’ve had the best sex of their lives and have forgotten all about whatstherename, they’ll be thrilled to be your love slave forever and you shall never want for human companionship ever again.

Or you could just buy a companion and call it a day.

So there you have it, the first two questions ever answered for Ask Geeky Bread! Now all of you out there should be racking your empty, fricking brains trying to come up with other questions for me to answer or I’ll come over to your house and poop in your shoes. Don’t be shy and don’t delay, send those questions with the subject line “The Mighty Question” to the loser who runs this site, geekman at the mighty geek dot com and I’ll be sure to give you an answer you won’t never forget!

What’re you waiting for? Start asking!
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