So… I’m still an idiot.

Here I am trying to get my Blog back together and I’ve discovered that even though WordPress, my new Blogging software of choice, is awesome and cool and… (how do you kids say it? Ah yes..) L337, I just can’t seem to figure out exactly how to set it up the way I want. I have this L337 new design with awesome-L337 colors and wicked-L337 graphics but I can’t figure out how to make it all work with WordPress’ L337 template scheme. (Is that too much use of the “hip” way of spelling “elite”? Is there such a thing as overuse of “hip” terminology? By using the word “hip” have I just proven that I’m not L337? Yes? Damn.)

So, I’m looking for help.

I’d really appreciate it if anyone out there who understood how to take a design and properly implement it as a WordPress template would be willing to explain it to me in minute detail, and maybe help code it, too. Because, you see, I’ve tried the online help articles and even though I’m beginning to understand how WordPress works, there are some things that I want to do that I can’t seem to figure out at all from reading the FAQs. Things like creating a separate Archives page with drop-down lists of Dates and Categories. Or a separate search page with choices for searching posts, comments, posts and comments or the entire web. Or creating a permalink icon with rollover effects that won’t break in last year’s browsers.

You know, simple things like that.

I have answered the question!

Of course, now that I’ve made such a bold and yet cryptic declaration you’re probably sitting there wondering what question I might have answered that’s so all-fired important that I’d break the silence of this here website just to bother you about it. Well, the question I have finally, definitively answered is one that has plagued Bloggers for millennia and for the sake of future scientific research I feel that it is necessary… no, VITAL that I share my newfound knowledge with you, the unwashed, uneducated, unmotivated, plebeian masses. Prepare yourselves, for this knowledge will shake the very foundation of your core beliefs and leave you a jiggling, weeping mass of organic matter unfit for human contact for at least 11 seconds. Possibly more, depending on how much fiber you’re getting in your diet. But never mind all that noise, on to the question!

What would happen if a world famous, devilishly handsome, intelligent, sexy and most beloved Blogger disappeared from the internet for 6 months with no explanation whatsoever?

Well, after six months of intensive research into this matter I have an answer. The answer is…

“Eh.”

More to follow.

“You stupid, lying bastard.”

It wasn’t the remark that was so surprising; it was the vehemence with which it was said that caused me to take both a physical and mental step backwards. This was unfortunate since I happened to be standing on a street corner and by stepping backwards I nearly got hit by a passing bus. After taking a moment to let my heartbeat slow down from a near-death-experience 340bpm to my more natural state of nervously-fearful-impending-doom 200bpm, I turned back to my assailant.

“I’m sorry, but why exactly am I a stupid, lying bastard?”
“This time, you mean?”
“Oh… of course. This time. So, why am I a stupid, lying bastard THIS time?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know.”
“Wait, seriously. I don’t know, OK?”
“Liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Lying liar.”

Talk about exasperating. Here we were, standing on the street on an abnormally warm winter’s day, late for a gathering of people I didn’t want to see and now I had to deal with playing twenty questions with this angry dwarf-person for the whole 30 minute trip? Could my life really be this pathetic?

“I didn’t think it was possible, but you look dumber without your glasses.”

It’s quite possible that god hates me.

“Why are you so pissed?”
“You promised to be back soon and here it’s been over two months! What the hell’s taking you so long?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your website, you moron.”
“Oh, for the love of Mike Rowe!”
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me! Your website is the only way I have to find out what’s going on in your life and if you don’t write in it how am I supposed to gossip?”
“Listen. I said I wouldn’t be able to update until after the New Year, ok?!”
“Well, it’s after the New Year. Get writing!”
“It’s New Year’s Day! I’m visiting you and everyone else today. Cut me some slack.”
“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.”
“I’m trying to find the time, ok? I’m very, very busy with work. Plus, I may have lost 5 year’s worth of posts, I’ve had to move to a new web host AND I’m trying to migrate to a new blogging software system that I don’t fully comprehend.”
“Boo-hoo-hoo. Now you sound like a whiner.”
“I’m not whining! I’m trying to tell you why I’ve been a little slow in updating my stupid website!”
“Well, why don’t you just let that funny Bread person take over? At least he writes when he says he’s going to write.”

Yep. God hates me.

“Look, first of all, Bread can’t write for me. I write for him. Second, I wanted to release a new design before I began updating the site, but since you really want me to write I’ll make an effort to find the time tonight to update my Blog. OK?”
“Well, your site does look like crap, you know.”
“I know, OK?! I know! And it really pisses me off, but there’s nothing I can do until I can get the time to make my design work with WordPress so stop bugging me about it already!”
“Well, I just thought you should know how important it is to some people that you keep your promises.”

I wondered if my new eyes were healed enough for me to have a good cry yet.

“OK. I get it. You want me to write something whether or not my design is ready.”
“Only if you really think you should keep your promises.”
“Sigh. I really think I should keep my promises, even though I never really made a promise about this.”
“Don’t get technical with me. I’m just trying to help you, that’s all.”
“I know. And I appreciate it. Really, I do.”
“Good. Now tell me you love me.”
“I love you mom.”
“And I love you. Even if you are a stupid, lying bastard. Now open the car door or you’ll make us late for dinner.”
“Yes mom.”
“And I still think you should let Bread write more often. He’s really funny.”

Somebody, anybody, please shoot me in the throat.

I’m not really dead. My old webhost took it into their crazy skulls to try to hold my site for ransom but they didn’t take into account my inherent Geekiness and so I managed to re-hijack all my files and sign up with another host and all I lost was a few days of email.

Go me.

Since I still don’t have time to give this site the attention it deserves, I’ll just say that lots of things have happened in my life in the last month or so and I really can’t wait to share it all with you. But I also can’t really take the time to tell you all the juicy details, either. So, just to pique your interest until my return let me give you a little taste of what has been going on with me and then you can comment and tell me all the things you’ve been doing.

Seriously. Because I care.

Without further ado, here’s what’s been going on;

• HoBiscuit and I moved to a new place.
• I worked a lot.
• We are also remodeling the new place.
• I worked even more.
• We sold our old place.
• I still worked.
• Close friends of ours had a baby girl. (Go Sophia!)
• Must keep working.
• I traveled to Paris and have lots of pictures to share.
• I have not stopped working.
• I got my eyes lasered and no longer wear glasses.
• And yet, I still work.

Oy, I cannot WAIT till I can sleep again.