Announcements

Loosing Touch

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Rants •   4

Cable modem go bye-bye.

Being that I am such a Geek, I should have seen this coming. I should have known that as soon as I wanted to start writing my long posts again that something would happen to make my doing so nearly impossible. Some goddess above or demon below would conspire to thwart my hopeless desire to do something creative with my otherwise wasted time.

And so, I have lost my cable connection to the web.

What’s even worse is that the useless people at the cable company won’t be able to come to my home and fix this problem until October 1st. And, because I am so angry right now I could poop in a paper bag, set it on fire on their front porch, ring their doorbell and run away, I will NOT mention my cable company by name. Let’s just say that they’re named after an annoying cartoon bird that is chased around the desert by a very hungry coyote and leave it at that, ok? Stupid coyote should just buy a gun and shoot the damn bird already.

“Beep-beep!” BANG. Dead. Just like that.

So, if you don’t hear from me for the next week or so, you now know why. I’ve had to go to the local coffeehouse chain in order to post this on the web and I hate coffee. Especially when it’s overpriced, weirdly named coffee at $7 a cup. Honestly, doesn’t anyone else think that asking for a ‘double shot, extra-foam, cinnamon-mango grande latte’ is astoundingly pretentious? What? You don’t? Really? Oh, this is just great. Now all you coffee freaks are going to be clamoring for my nads in a basket.

Deep-fried. With a side of garlic mash and a cola. Yummy.

Ping Ponging For Yen

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   8

Or, ‘Those Wacky Japanese Gameshows’.

I don’t post links here very often, but today I make an exception. This must be some kind of Japanese game show, but I can’t really understand what’s going on aside from the fact that everyone seems to be enjoying themselves immensely. Can anyone out there translate this and explain it to me? I’m just dying to know what these clips are for. My favorite, and the one I keep watching over and over again, is the one with the two guys playing ping pong.

I’m in awe of the ‘Super High Jump’.

Anywaste, since I’m so busy right now with Wedding Stuff and actual work-type stuff, I’m sorry to say that these short and quick posts will continue for the foreseeable future. I can’t see me returning to my ‘normal’ schedule until October, but if you bear with me and stick around I promise that I’ll be funny again then. No, really I will. Don’t give me that look, and don’t try the old, ‘You were funny?’ line either. I was funny once. Once.

Oh, stop rolling your eyes like that, they’ll just fall out.

Puppet Porno

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   3

~ “The Internet is for porn!” ~

So sings Trekkie Monster in what has to be the absolute BEST musical on or off Broadway that I have ever seen. Avenue Q is so fricking funny that I almost busted a gut laughing, especially when two of the puppets had sex while ‘Gary Coleman’ sang a song about how you can never be too loud when making love.

Holy crap, it was funny.

If you are ever in NY and are in the least, littlest bit curious about what puppets might look like when they have sex, both oral AND anal, you really must see Avenue Q.

Consider it your purpose in life.

And now, back to Wedding Stuff.

All Things Old Are New Again

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   15

I’m back.

There are still a few problems that I haven’t worked out yet, the most glaring of which is that this site now looks like crap on a Mac, but on the whole I’m pretty happy with my new design. Why don’t you take a quick look around and tell me about all the bugs I’m sure you’ll find in my horrendous code.

Hey, I’m a designer. Not a hacker.

Anywaste, since my hacking skills are so pathetically stunted that fourth graders regularily mock me as I walk the streets in my blue silk bathrobe while reading “HTML For Schmucks” and mumbling to myself, I’d like to take this opportunity to beg for some help. If anyone out there is willing to help me out, I’d really appreciate it.

My problems are twofold.

The first, and most important problem, is that I can’t seem to get this page to render correctly on the Mac. I don’t know why because as far as I can tell it looks fine to everyone on a PC. The way it’s supposed to look is like this;

The problem is that the top blue bar seems to be missing when viewed on a Mac and the little corner icons of my side bar aren’t in their proper place. They’re coming in one line below making everything ugly.

The second problem is not so big. If you’re using IE 5.5 or above, then the scroll bar should be a light grey like the background of my content boxes. But on the main page it isn’t, even though if you look at my “About” page it is grey. And before you ask, yes the code is EXACTLY the same on the About page and my home page.

So, to sum up; “Won’t someone help a brother out?”

*** Update: Another problem is that one can no longer highlight text properly. Damn, I suck at coding. ***

Winds Of Change

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry, Quickie, Rants, Serious, Traveling •   11

For there’s a change in the weather, there’s a change in the sea,
So from now on there’ll be a change in me
My walk will be different, my talk and my name,
Nothing about me is going to be the same
I’m going to change my way of living if that ain’t enough,
Then I’ll change the way I strut my stuff
Cause nobody wants you when you’re old and gray
There’ll be some changes made today,
There’ll be some changes made

For there’s a change in the fashions, ask the feminine folks,
Even Jack Benny has been changing jokes,
I must make some changes from old to the new,
I must do some things the same as others do
I’m going to change my long tall Mama for a little short fat,
Going to change the number where I live at
I must have some loving or I’ll fade away
There’ll be some changes made today
Oh, there’ll be some changes made
Continue reading →

Blackout Blogging

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   5

This couldn’t be happening.

[click]

My Aeron chair let out a slight squeak in the darkness as I sat in front of my dark computer screen in my dark house on my dark street in the dark city. Moisture from my sweat covered body dripped down my hunched back and gathered in the crack of my anus as I feverishly pressed the power button of my computer for the millionth time in the hopes that some miracle would occur. That someway, somehow my computer would magically turn on without electricity.

[click]

Dammit.

After seven hours of this impulsive/compulsive behavior, I reluctantly concluded that without electricity even my computer could not function. As I lifted myself out of my chair (making the ssshhhhlllip noise of sweaty skin being peeled away from vynil) I noticed that HoBiscuit had managed to find her way home.

“Hey Sweetie. I think we blew a fuse or something.”
“You’re an idiot. The power’s out in the whole city and I had to walk home!”
“Wow. Midtown to Brooklyn? Isn’t that, like, far?”
“It took me three hours, you insensitive jerk! I walked forever! In flip-flops!”
“Oh. Well, you did say you wanted to get some exercise, right? So let’s go get some traditional NY Blackout dinner and look at the stars.”
“But my feet hurt! And what’s traditional NY Blackout food?”
“Pizza, of course.”

This morning we still had no power, so we decided to go out and walk in the park. Meeting up with another friend of ours, we spent a delightful day sitting in the shade of Prospect Park and watching all the other powerless people frolicking on the grass. We then went out for dinner (pizza again) and then walked our way back home.

[click]

Hazzah! Our power had returned!

So, after a beautiful day in the park with my beautiful woman in my arms, what do you think I’m doing with my newfound power?

[click]

That’s right. I’m watching preseason football on tv with all the lights on in my frigidly air-conditioned house as my popcorn cooks in the microwave.

Screw nature. Give me my climate control and cable or I’ll kill you.
Continue reading →

No Time

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Quickie •   21

Time to write, I have not.

Much busy am I. Writing time-suckage allowed not. Back when allowed to write I am. Meanwhile, questions for you I have. The following in comments answer please.

  1. Were you affected by the MSBlast worm/virus in the past few days? If so, how were you affected? I only ask because it completely passed me by, but I hear it caused some major grief for others.
  2. When you shower, do you shampoo or soap up first? Why?
  3. Why is it that the posts I think are my best bits garner the fewest comments while my quick and dirty posts get the most? Does anyone out there actually read my longer posts?
  4. If you gave up a seat on the bus or train for someone would you be pissed off if they didn’t even thank you for it?
  5. Why the hell are people treating this post of mine as if it were actually some sort of medical message board? It has more comments on it than anything else I’ve ever written, but I made the whole thing up! It was a joke people! A joke!

All that is. Go I must. Later see you will I.

When Animals Attack

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   4

Anatomy of a Geek bite.

It’s Shark Week on the Discovery channel, so what better time than now for me to share some of my childhood memories of things that have bitten or attacked me? I know you’re all on the edge of your seats right now, barely able to contain your enthusiasm, but you’ll need to wait at least one more day before the stories begin.

I am such a tease.

Actually, I’m very busy today trying to get a few [Dr. Evil voiceover: One hundred billion!] things done so I just don’t have the time to write the first story yet. But come back tomorrow and you’ll be having some fun at my expense, I can tell you! That’s because tomorrow I will be telling a story of my youth that has special meaning to me, because it’s the day I learned one of the most important lessons of any young man’s life. A lesson that I’ll never forget;

Don’t mock the turtle.

I’m Busy

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   5

I’m doing wedding and work related things today, so I really can’t spare too much time for my usually overly wordy and long-winded posts. However, I do have a few things I want to say today, so to make it seem more original and ‘fun’ I thought I’d write them in Haiku. Here goes nothing;

Work demands laptops
I just bought two IBMs
Longed for this, or this

Three new books to read
The Good Die Twice, Death Masks and
Naked Empire

Help me, I’m having
Problems with Moveable Type
My Weblogs pings fail

One day, all will change
The new replaces the old
TMGv4

I have just farted
Choking now on poopie smell
Must open window

That’s all for today
Because time keeps on slipping
Into the future

*update*

Help make me famous
Give me a great rating, please
Five out of five stars!

Par-King

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   1

Protecting your sighting!

Thanks to my good friend Mr. Scummy Lawyer for pointing out FAQ #9. Now, the next time I go to a certain parking garage in midtown with my camera, I know I need only pay $30 to lawfully protect my Elvis sighting. Because, and I know it sounds a little crazy, but the 4’5” tall Mexican working there really looks like the king. Especially at night, if you’re wearing sunglasses and he’s standing in a dark corner about 50’ from where you’re standing. And he’s standing sideways. With a Range Rover, Pathfinder, Honda Accord and a 1968 orange VW Bug kinda-sorta blocking your view.

Oh, and you also kinda need to squint. A lot.