Some people are just plain sick.

Yesterday I saw something I never thought I’d actually see. Oh sure I’ve heard rumors, we’ve all heard rumors, but to actually SEE someone on a crowded train, during rush hour in NYC, doing something as stupid/stoned/sick as that…?! Well, for a moment I was actually at a loss for words.

But only for a moment.
Continue reading →

I’m back from Atlanta.

I’m tired, I’m hungry and I have a sore on my tongue the size of a nickel and it hurts like heck. Whenever I talk it feels like there’s an army of tiny Argonauts on my teeth stabbing my tongue with tiny, needle-sharp swords. Just swallowing my own spit is an effort of willpower worthy of an unrepentant torture victim during the Inquisition and don’t even get me started on eating.

Even soup makes me cry.

All I want now is a bathtub full of Anbesol and a soft bed so I can sleep. I won’t even think about humor until I’m able to eat without feeling so much pain that I actually want to rip my tongue out of my mouth and cauterize the open sore with a white-hot branding iron. I’m in pain folks, The Mighty Geek has found his Kryptonite and he has been defeated.

Woe is me.

Hide your daughters.

I’m headed down to Atlanta this weekend where I’ll be doing some work, meeting some family and hanging out with my bestest friend in the whole, wide world, Mr. Hentai. I’m also hoping that I’ll find the time to sleep while I’m down there so I can finally get rid of this annoying eye-tick, especially since none of the home-brewed remedies that I tried yesterday seem to have worked at all. But with all the work I’m going to be doing and all the people I’m hoping to see I really doubt that I’ll even see the inside of my hotel room, let alone get into the bed.

BTW, jabbing a straw in your cornea to stop it twitching HURTS. A lot.
Continue reading →

My left eyelid is twitching.

I’m not kidding. It’s shaking and shivering like an epilectic midget lying naked on a windy iceberg. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but if I had to hazard a guess, I’d probably say it had something to do with lack of sleep. For the last month or so I’ve been working so much that I haven’t had time to sit down for a meal, let alone sleep more than 54.7 seconds at a time and I guess it’s finally caught up with me.

Damn. There it goes again!

It’s not like it’s a noticeable twitch, either. Because a noticeable twitch might actually be fun to have, y’know? I mean, I could walk up to strangers and demand money and when they looked at me they’d see a crazy guy with a twitching eye and hand over all their spare change. Viola, instant cab fare! All of the other beggars in the world would come from miles around to learn how to make their eyes twitch like mine so they could garner more pity/fear and thus make more money.

I’d be worshipped as a beggar-king! Like Aladdin, or Ali-Baba!

And because I think it sounds cool and everyone would be too afraid to argue with me, I’d be known as The Crazy One Eyed Psycho-Geek from Madagascar. Secret agents would contact me to find out what’s happening with the world according to my international “Underground Intelligence” network. I’d wear an old British naval officer’s outfit, complete with medals, a ruffled shirt and a weird hat, and I’d walk with a pronounced limp and have lots of fake jewelry hanging off my dirty coat.

Most importantly, I’d have a pet ring-tailed lemur named “Spooky”.

Man, this fricking twitch is annoying. Maybe I should do something about it besides holding my left eye and screaming obscenities at myself. I tried banging my head on the sharp edge of the desk earlier today, but all that did was override the twitch annoyance feeling with a little pain. Wait! That’s it! What I really need is a fricking whole lot of pain to take my mind off this stupid twitch! I’ll just stab myself in the eye repeatedly with this nice drinking straw and see if that works. If not, I’ll just smash my face into this monitor and rub salt into my cuts and bruises.

Hey, if I’m not here tomorrow somebody call the Marines, OK?

But it’s turning into a nightmare.

I’m searching the entire world for something I fricking know exists but can’t find anywhere and it’s driving me crazy. Well… actually, I think cazy-er would be more correct. Anywaste, I need to find powdered hot chocolate, but not just any hot chocolate. No, that would be too fricking easy, wouldn’t it? What I need is powdered WHITE hot chocolate.

What do you mean, ‘Why?’

Obviously because I want the hot chocolate to look like snow because I got this really cool idea for some gift thingies where I have a little glass bowl and the hot chocolate would be a snowy landscape with cinnamon trees all around and I’d have little marshmallow snowmen having a snowball fight with tiny marshmallow dogs running around leaving chocolate chip poop and one of the snowmen could be writing his name in the snow with lemon-juice pee and…

…

WTF are you looking at?

…

Oh.

Ahem. Well then, never you mind why I need it, I just do. OK?

I remember having powdered Swiss Miss white hot chocolate as a kid, but I can’t find any mention of it on the ConAgra Foods website, so I can only assume that it no longer exists. The closest that I’ve come so far is this product from Ghirardelli, but unfortunately it’s a little too expensive for the purpose I want to use it for. If anyone can find it, or something like it, for less than $3 per 16oz. I’d be so happy I might even grab my pom-poms, jump up and down in my underwear and do a cheer for them.

On second thought, maybe I’ll just buy them a Mighty Messenger Bag instead.

Who wants to feel old?

If you’ve ever played Pong, Space Invaders or Super Mario Brothers as a kid, then you MUST read this article. However, I strongly recommend that you do not read it while drinking, as the liquid you are trying to consume will instead come shooting out of your nose and splatter across your computer screen which will most likely set off an electrical fire that will burn down your home and all your worldly possessions, making you a pathetic, homeless beggar on the street selling your teeth for drug money and Cheetos.

Mmmm… Cheetos. All I need now is a Tab…

I just couldn’t resist.

I was standing in the checkout line at Rite Aid when a blast from the past caught my eye and demanded that I purchase it, take it home, scan it in and then post it on the web so that all might see and understand my joy.

   

Damn, but I’ve missed these little buggers.
Continue reading →

I’ve been a busy little boy.

This weekend was fun-filled and action packed for yours truly. I’ve been spending a lot of time doing wedding prep stuff like buying my tuxedo and finding someone crazy enough to actually marry us. I’ve also clocked more hours making wedding invitations than an illegal alien working in a Hallmark sweatshop. I swear if I never see another glue stick or hole-punch again I’ll die a happy man. Next time I design an invitation it’s going to be a simple fricking postcard and not a whole booklet with pullouts, cutouts and professional-style binding. I know it’s my own damn fault for designing it that way, but so what?

Whining and complaining makes me feel better. So poo on you.

This weekend I also attended a surprise birthday party for my friend DStortion, who is now an official grown up. It was fun watching his face as we all screamed “Surprise!” as he walked into the back room of the restaurant. Even better was watching the small trickle of pee run down his leg as he stood there in shocked surprise. I guess we shouldn’t have pointed shotguns at him while screaming, huh? Oh well, nothing a new iPod and cool keychain couldn’t fix, right D?

Oh, ha-ha. Put down that knife man, it’s not funny. Seriously.

While we were at the restaurant I saw the most inspired and effective t-shirt I’ve ever seen being worn by our waitress. It was bright red with big gold lettering and it captured the attention of everyone in the restaurant. And before you say anything, it did NOT expose cleavage, have strategically placed transparent parts, or in any other way introduce lecherous thoughts into my admittedly easily aroused and very dirty mind. So, what was it then that so captured my attention that I was making phone calls on her behalf during dinner? Quite simply, it was what the shirt said;

Fricking BRILLIANT!

Break out the fermented grape juice because GeekMan is back!

The cable guy showed up this morning and proclaimed my cable modem to be ‘Deader than Milli Vanilli’s ‘98 comeback tour.’ Laughing to himself at his own joke, he replaced my defective modem with a brand-spanking new modem that miraculously worked perfectly from the moment he plugged it in.

I could have kissed him.

So, now that I have the internet again, I’ve decided to spend the day catching up on my favorite pr0n Blog sites. Tomorrow I’ll return to my usual wackiness, but for today I think I’ll just enjoy the freedom of unlimited access to boobies illegal music cracked software educational websites.

OMG! I didn’t know women could really do that with a pony!

[note to self: too truthful. insert p.c., non-offensive witticism instead]