Even toys mock me.
Well ain’t this a kick in the nads? It seems that I’m going to be an action figure, except that it looks nothing like me and I’m not making a penny off of any of the sales. And what’s with the lousy super powers? ‘Opposite Sex Repulsion’ I can understand but ‘Less Than Ideal Personal Hygiene Routine’? Puh-LEASE! I shower once a week like any other decent human being, thankyouverymuch.
I even use soap twice a month, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
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I’m traveling again.
Yeah, yeah, I know. You’ve stopped caring. You’ve found another website or three with funnier content that’s updated more than once a week and you no longer give a dirty rat’s behind whether I’m alive, dead or lying in a coma in a small Guatemalan village as the local witch doctor prepares to exorcise the evil spirits holding me hostage by removing my gallbladder using a pointed stick and some fresh elephant dung.
Hey, it could happen. And then wouldn’t you feel just horrible?
Anywaste, I’m headed to Phoenix this weekend and I’ll be back next Thursday. When I return I’m going to be focusing my attention on a brand new redesign of this site and, starting in March, quite possibly going back to my normal routine of daily updates. So, if you’ve taken me off your Favorites list and banished me from your BlogRoll because you were sure I was going to fade away to nothingness, shame on you for your faithlessness. And by you, I mean YOU.
No, the other one. Next to you. With the hat. Yes. You.
Here on my site I call my brother Fishman.
And on Tuesday, that’s tomorrow for all you self-employed people without calendars, you can all find out why. Well, only if you’re willing to put up with watching a stupid, insipid and idiotic television show called America’s Next Top Model. That’s because this Tuesday one of my brother’s creations will be featured on that show and I couldn’t be more proud. Please watch the show in support of my brother so that he might get some business from it and thus be able to pay me back the money he has owed me for the last 20 years.
Plus interest, Fishman. Plus interest.
It just occurred to me that I’m going to have sex.
What I mean is; I’m married now so at some point in the future I almost have to get lucky. Right? Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not even for years and years and years. But one day HoBiscuit will turn to me and say those three little words that every Geek ever born knows will lead to hot monkey sex, and this is one Geek who’s going to start training now so he’ll be ready for that big day.
50 pushups every night. No hands.
That’s right people; GeekMan is ready for action! I won’t be caught unawares. I’m going to be a lean, mean, sex machine. My moment in the sun, my time to set off fireworks to the music of the night is fast approaching and I’m going to be ready. Ready for HoBiscuit to finally give in to my charms, my suave and debonair advances, my begging & pleading and utter those three, sweet, sexy words that’ll lead to sweaty bodies and stained sheets.
“I want kids.”
Oh man, just writing that made my nipples hard. Yeah baby, YEAH!
I live again. Kinda.
It’s a whole new world for me now. I’m no longer the pathetic little Geekman you might remember from just a few short weeks ago. Things have changed for me, much is different, and nothing will ever be the same again. There’s a ring on my finger, a humongous wedding bill in my mailbox and a burn on my forehead from the ceremonial branding iron that reads, OWNED.
Sorry ladies, I’m now a married man Geek.
For those who might care about such things as a tell-all about the bachelor party debauchery, or a description of the beautiful wedding ceremony, or a play by play analysis of the action-packed and activity filled reception, please keep your panties from getting tied in a knot and be patient for just a little bit longer. The gory details, complete with some pictures, will be forthcoming. But for right now, the new Mrs. GeekMan and I are fricking tired and are going to spend a little while together doing married couple things.
For example; sleep like the dead.
And after an eight hour party for almost 200 of our closest family and friends, I think we deserve some sleep. Don’t you? And before anyone asks, the answer is no. Bread did NOT make it into the bridal suite to videotape me begging for some newlywed nookie. And just to make it perfectly clear right now, I slept on the couch because my back hurt and not because I had any performance anxiety regarding my sexual prowess. I’ll have you know I’m a tiger in bed. That’s right, a tiger.
A. Fricking. TIGER.
Rowr.
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GeekMan is dead.
His body was found underneath his computer desk in his home office by his flu-suffering fiancé HoBiscuit whose only response upon finding his remains was to repeatedly kick him in the groin while screaming, “Dammit, now I have to cancel this stupid wedding and I can’t even get my deposits back! You selfish bastard!”
Understandably, GeekMan had no reply.
Officials believe GeekMan was crushed to death by the combined weight of his wedding reception bills and his guilt about not updating his Blog in a week. Even though some officials did speculate that his death seemed a bit suspicious, they have since filed their reports and the death is now considered a horrible, but pleasantly necessary, accident. No mention was made of the llama hoof prints found near the body or the message, “It was the llamas.” written in his own blood on the floor.
Officials claim that he was just trying to be funny.
GeekMan is survived by a very angry fiancé who will not find this at all funny, a mother who will also not find this at all funny, a brother who will laugh because he knows no one else will find this at all funny, an imaginary antagonist known by the alias ‘Bread’, a very expensive home theater, a video game system and several dust bunnies who will now be free to take over the world.
May he finally rest in peace.
I checked into my hotel room at 11pm.
Doesn’t sound ominous, does it? If I were in a movie however, that sentence would be accompanied by an extreme close-up of my frightened eyes and some scary music because what happened to me when I opened my hotel room door was very scary indeed.
I saw a man in my room.
That in and of itself is usually a little scary because, you know, finding a stranger in a room you thought would be empty can be a disconcerting to almost anyone. But it wasn’t just that I saw someone in my room when I thought it would be empty that sent me screaming from that wretched place, vomiting up my own bile-covered lower intestines in disgust. No. It wasn’t even the fact that said man was overweight and out of shape. Nope. It wasn’t even that he happened to be asleep, snoring like a rusty chainsaw on the only bed in the room, completely covered in sweaty body hair and nothing else that caused my eyes to spontaneously burst of their own accord like giant, overripe, festering boils. What was it then, that caused such a violent reaction from moi, The Mighty Geek?
The fat, ugly naked man was sleeping on top of the hotel bedspread!
Oh god, just writing this for you is conjuring images in my mind that are close to overpowering my gag reflex. I should have doused the poor man in gasoline and set him ablaze to put him out of my his misery. Obviously the poor man was mentally impaired, or emotionally unstable, to have even touched one of those wretched, disease infected things and I would have been doing the world a favor by removing him from the gene pool. Instead, I quickly closed the door, went back down to the front desk and asked for another room. When the attendant asked me what was wrong with my current room we had the following conversation;
Hotel Clerk:
“I’m terribly sorry sir, but the computer says the room is unoccupied. Are you sure there was someone already in that room?”
GeekMan:
“Well, miss. Either there was someone in there already, or this hotel has a massive roach problem. Which one would you prefer it to be when I write about my stay here on the internet?”
Hotel Clerk:
“I see. Allow me to give you one of our suites to compensate you for the inconvenience of finding another human being already occupying your room.”
GeekMan:
“That’s what I’m talking about.”
See people? With the right motivation, communicating with lower life forms is possible!
Dear Subscribers,
Due to an unfortunate mishap (It’s in the room! Run for your lives!), The Mighty Geek’s writing staff will be unable to deliver the side-splitting, (OMG are those laser beams coming out of Johnson’s monitor?!) snot-spewing humor that you have come to expect from us. Management (The accounting department’s melting! They’re melting! They’re like the Nazis in that Indiana Jones movie the poor bastards!) regrets this interruption in service, and will (Game over man! *sob* We’re all going to die!) work around-the-clock to bring the humorous (Holy Bejeezus! Green fire?! There’s green fire coming from the graphics department?!) anecdote machine back up to full capacity. We are fully aware of the high quality levels (I can’t feel my kidneys! What did it do to my kidneys?!) expected from our stories. (Argh! My manhood! My manhood!) Readers, rest assured that we will not release any stories until our standard levels of excellence are reached again. Sorry (WTF?! Cindy! Dear lord Cindy what happened to your eyes?!) for the inconvenience.
In the meantime, (Quick like a bunny barricade yourselves in the IT department before it gets to the servers!) please accept this token of our appreciation for being a loyal customer: Hahaha
Thank you, (Sweet Mother of Pearl it found the website! Kill it before it posts!) and please call again.
Sincerely,
TMG Management Team
Not long now, Papa Smurf.
It’s getting awfully close to the big wedding day for me and HoBiscuit, and that means that I’m a very busy little Geek. In fact, I’m so busy that I may just have to cut back TMG updates to two times a week rather than the normal five. Especially now that I’m getting ready for the big day AND working all next week away from home AND posting over at HHHS (not for kids!) until Christmas.
Boy, am I stupid.
Anywaste, if you were being kept up late at night with scary nightmares of not being able to buy us a wedding gift in time for our wedding, fret no more. You still have a few more weeks before we tie the knot, so run, don’t walk, to Amazon and buy us a nice wedding gift. Something both HoBiscuit and I would love to have. You know, something like the Ranma ½ boxed set collections. Or some Stikfas. Or some James Bond movies.
But not Pilates DVDs. Dear lord, please no Pilates!
I’m celebrating by taking the rest of this week off.
That means no humor from me until Monday. That’s right; I won’t be telling one joke, making one wisecrack or being silly in any way, in public or in private, until Monday at 9am when I arrive back at the office of The Department of Intolerably Idiotic and Asinine Stupidity Cleverly Disguised As Self-Deprecating Humor That Is Not Funny At All. So, if you’re American, Happy Thanksgiving. If you’re not… well, you should kill a turkey anyway.
I mean, they’re just plain ugly, y’know?