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FreakMan

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   8

The gods mock me.

About ten minutes ago, as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror for the 1,000,000,000th time of my life, I looked down at my belly and discovered that my bellybutton is not centered on my stomach like it is for normal people. As far back as I can remember I believe it has been centered. At least, I don’t ever recall noticing it being askew before and believe me, its non-centeredness isn’t something I would overlook when I go through my daily leprosy check. In fact, my bellybutton is now located far enough to the right of center to be obvious to the untrained eye, and it frightens me. In the nanosecond it took for my brain to process the highly disturbing fact that I was most likely a mutant-troll doomed to grow more and more grotesque every day until I am forced by an angry mob of torch-bearing villagers to live in the sewers below my neighborhood and sustain myself by consuming raw rats and small children, another even more frightening thought made its way through my mind and filled me with a dread that I know is going to keep me from sleeping peacefully for the next few years of my life.

If my bellybutton was once perfectly centered on my belly, who was moving it? And why?!
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Yet Another QotD

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   5

Why do people sometimes sniff their finger after they scratch their butt or crotch?

Hey, I already know that everyone reading this has done it, either on purpose or by accident. So don’t try to pretend you never have, because everyone else will know you’re a liar.

And then we’d make you do the Foo-Foo I’m A Liar Dance of Shame.

Calm Down

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

I just got back from the doctor.

No, no. Don’t get all worried. It’s absolutely nothing to worry about, I assure you. It’s just some routine shots in preparation for some travel I’m going to have to do for work over the next few months. It seems that you can’t go to some countries without getting a plethora of vaccinations to protect you/them from diseases, infections and silly food related illnesses.

That reminds me, I need to pick up some butt cream…

So, after taking five shots in the arm without shedding a single tear, what do I get when I demand my lollipop at the end of the visit? A concerned look and a strong recommendation that I see a psychiatrist, is what. And an appointment for more shots next month.

My arm hurts.

…

I want a lolly, dammit!

Another QotD

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   10

Just wondering.

If you were told that you could spend up to $5,000 on any single item, but only one item, what would you buy? What if you were told that for every dollar you spent five dollars would be donated to your favorite charity?

And what if, for every dollar under the $5,000 limit that you don’t spend, you would have to pay $10 to a group or organization you hated?

Truth

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   8

I can hold my peace no longer.

Today I need to say something on my very public website for the whole world to see that may not make sense to everyone, but for those of us who travel a lot, and I mean a whole lot, it will have a very deep and profound meaning. And what I have to say is this; Airports suck ass.

Giant. Puckering. Infected. Ass.

I Give Up

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Traveling •   8

Goodbye cruel world.

This is going to be one very busy month for me, so instead of worrying about my website while I’m working, or trying to be funny during my 60 second lunch break when I haven’t slept in two days, I’m just going to close up shop here until my schedule once again allows me the free time to write more posts. I know you’re upset but I’ll be back as soon…

What the…?

You’re laughing? At me? You think my leaving is funny? What kind of person are you? Oh no, don’t go dabbing at your eyes and making the ‘frowning-almost-crying’ face at me, you faking faker! I know how you really feel now, so let’s be honest and stop with all the acting because now we all know that you don’t really care, right? Right?!

Oh man, that is so cold.

Damn. I mean… damn. Oh man, that hurts. Really. It feels like you just put a fricking salt-water-and-lemon-juice icicle in my eye, you know? I mean, you could have pretended. You could have lied to me and told me you cared and only laughed at me after I was gone. But noooo, you had to rip out my damn heart right here in public, didn’t you? Right in front of all your friends so you’d look all macho and stuff, huh? Well guess what?! You aren’t macho! You’re not even cool! And I hate you!

Hate you! Hate you! Hate you!!!

[wiping tears]

*sniff*

Get that tissue out of my face.

*sniff*

I’m not listening to you. You’re a liar.

*sniffle*

Well, I want to believe you…

[blowing nose]

You mean it? You promise? You’re not pulling my chain, right? Really? Really?! Oh wow! I never thought you ever felt that way! What are you doing…? Oh! Oh. My. God. It’s beautiful! OMG! I don’t know what to say! Oh! Yes! YES! Oh wow, I’ve got to call my mom…

Hey, do I need to change my last name?

Happy New Year To You

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Traveling •   4

And happy trails to me.

As is usual for me this time of year I am going to be doing a lot of traveling for work. So, over the next few months updates here will be a little sparse as I flitter hither and yon to grant graphics wishes to my unrelentingly demanding clients all over the world. To show their gratitude for my services, at the end of each project my clients are always happy to use their final wish to wish me free of the iron yoke of my lamp so that I may once again return home to my sweet and loving HoBiscuit. Who will promptly whore me out to another client so I can make her more money so she can buy more shoes.

Ah, marital bliss. Shoot me now.

To make this particular excursion even more excruciating, I happen to be leaving on January 2nd, which just happens to be our one year wedding anniversary. Oh, did I forget to mention that I’ll be headed to sunny San Diego for a week? And that I’ll also be going to San Francisco and New Orleans all in the next three weeks? And HoBiscuit won’t? She’ll be stuck here in New York, unpacking all of our belongings into our new closets, which are being conveniently installed during my absence. And for those of you who may have lost track of certain facts during the last year, let me remind you that HoBiscuit and I have still not gone on a honeymoon!

Oh yeah, I’m a dead man.

Anywaste, since I’m going to be fairly hectic with work and/or funeral arrangements for myself over the next month or so, I hope you’ll be a tad forgiving should updates here at The Mighty Geek become a bit sporadic. I’ll do my best to post whenever I can, but I make no promises. In the meantime, I wish all of you a happy new year and please try not to make New Years Resolutions because we all know you’ll never keep them. Unless of course, your resolution is to visit this site more often and shower me with love.

That one I’d make you keep.