Announcements

The New Style

• by GeekMan • In Announcements •   4

Overheard in a trendy clothing shop.

Woman: “Come on, we’re leaving.”
Man: “Why?”
Woman: “We can’t shop here anymore.”
Man: “What?”
Woman: “I need to leave. Now.”
Man: “But I don’t understand; what about the clothes you were just trying on…?”
Woman: “…”
Man: “What did I do? Why are you so angry?”
Woman: “It’s not you I’m angry with!”
Man: “Then why are you yelling at me?”
Woman: “Just shut up and let’s go!”
Man: “Tell me what happened.”
Woman: “…”
Man: “Honey…”
Woman: “They didn’t fit! Ok? Happy now?”
Man: “Is that all? Well, why don’t we just find them in a size that does fit…”
Woman: “Because they should fit me! The label says that they’re a medium and I’m a medium which means they should be my size! But they aren’t! So, since all my other clothes are a medium, those clothes can’t be a medium if they’re too small for me, which means that everything in the store is wrong so I’m not shopping here anymore!”
Man: “I see.”
Woman: “And?”
Man: “You’re absolutely right. We can’t ever shop here again. Let’s go.”

And he didn’t even crack a smile! He is my HERO!

Don’t Call It A Comeback

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   Comments Off on Don’t Call It A Comeback

I’m baaaack!

And I’m really tired. I’ve got stories and pictures to share from my travels, but today I think I’ll just say I had a pretty good time in Denmark but got to see and do nothing in India. In fact, if I hadn’t left the hotel 4 hours early for my flight, I wouldn’t have even had the time to buy some souvenirs before I left Bangalore. Oh well, maybe I’ll make it back there some day and will make up for this trip by riding on the back of an elephant or something. Anywaste, I’ll tell you all about Denmark tomorrow or Wednesday when I have a better handle on sleep and time zones and jetlag. Wait… is today Monday, or Tuesday?

Oy, I need sleep.

Once More Unto The Breach

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Guess who’s leaving you again?

That’s right people, I’ve got to pack it up and do a bit of traveling for work again. What fabulous and exciting adventures await our dashing hero this time? No one knows exactly, but I’m pretty darn excited because I’m headed to Bangalore, India! And if someone can’t find excitement and adventure in India then they might as well hand over their Adventuring Hero Membership Card and call it a day.

But not me. I’ve got a lifetime membership.

But hey, you know what’s even cooler? After I get back from India I have another big job where I’m traveling to yet another foreign land. What foreign port will I be traveling to next, you ask? Why, Copenhagen, Denmark of course!

I cannot WAIT to buy some clogs and dance under a windmill.

What does all this traveling I’ll be doing mean for you, dear reader? Well, it means that from now until June 19th updates here will be few and far between as I spend all my energy and time trying to sightsee places that I expect I’ll only get to visit this one time in my life. I know you’re all jealous and disappointed, but… well, I don’t care! I’m going to India and Denmark!

Oh, man! I fricking love my job!

Paradise Lost

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   Comments Off on Paradise Lost

“Hmmm. I think I need some new anime DVDs.”

Taking another look at my vast collection of anime I nodded in satisfaction. There I was, standing in front of shelf after shelf of anime DVDs, each of which I had watched at least once on my Very Expensive Home Theater System. I puffed out my chest with pride knowing that I was truly a master of all I surveyed.

A sad and pathetic master, but still, a Master.

Since it was a little late in the day for a trip to my favorite anime shoppe, I decided to check there website to find out their business hours before making the long and arduous journey. But when I got there I received the shock of my week.

“They’re closed?!”

I sat there in disbelief for about ten minutes. How could they do this to me? How could they close their doors without even a going out of business sale? Where was the big 50% off super sale? Did they not have a liquidation bonanza? Holy crap, where was I going to buy the entire series of Eureka 7 for $40 instead of having to spend $30 per DVD at Amazon?! Now that they’re gone, where am I supposed to get my anime fix?!

Dammit. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep.

It’s About Time

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   1

I’m a big, fat, lazy, pathetic idiot.

For the last week I’ve been sitting around on my butt wallowing in pitiful “woe-is-me” mode as I pine for inspiration and motivation to do something, or anything, with my suddenly very free time. But instead of getting up and doing all the things I promised myself I’d do when I had the time (like redesigning this site, creating a photoblog, taking a class on Flash design or even just reading a fricking book) I’ve been lying about in my undies on the couch watching some of the worst home improvement shows I can find. Oh sure, I may have learned how to re-tile my kitchen floor using broken plates or how to turn an old salad bowl into a decorative birdbath, but some things truly are not worth knowing. Like how certain How To hosts can really freak you out with their ugly sweaters, Sammy Davis Jr. eyes and over-emphasized head-bobbing.

Oh yeah! I’m talking to you, Suzanne Whang!

It all came to a head last night. After I finished watching another riveting installment of Buy Me on HGTV and right after I got winded attempting to get my expanding butt off the couch so I could eat another pound of raspberry Jell-O while standing over the sink and crying softly to myself, I realized just how low I had sunk. I mean, I had just spent three hours of my life watching reruns of really bad Fix-It shows I had already seen that very afternoon and all I wanted to do was eat another pound of Jell-O and find out how I could increase the value of my apartment by making my own cheap throw pillows and rearranging the furniture.

It was obvious I needed an intervention.

So I decided that enough was enough. I needed to get back into the swing of things and be creative or I would simply fade away and die. The very first thing that was going to change was I would get back on the horse and start writing here again. Every weekday that I am home, no excuses. Second, I’m going to take a class on something. I don’t know what yet, but I will learn something this summer or die trying. Third, and right now most important, I’m going to stop eating raspberry Jell-O by the pound.

Whoever said “There’s always room for Jell-O” must have had a tapeworm.

Also, I’ve redesigned the site but I’ve run into a problem that I cannot for the life of me fix. So until I come up with a solution it’s going to stay under wraps. However, if you’re interested in seeing a rough of it and giving me feedback or technical help, shoot me an email and I’ll send you the link to the über-secret redesign page. Then you can show off and tell all your friends in math class that you saw the redesign before anyone else.

You hot and sexy Geek, you.

Lastly, it’s my Bloggerversary. The Mighty Geek is five years old today. Huzzah. In the past I’ve written songs for my Bloggerversary, asked for linky-love from my minions and even tried to become famous by insulting famous bloggers with short fuses. This year I think I’ll try something different and pretend that I’m too old for silly pranks and stupid parties and just say Happy Bloggerversary to me and leave it at that.

Besides, I don’t have enough TP for everyone’s house.

Lucas Redeemed

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Han Solo shoots first. Again.

That was the battle cry of every true Star Wars fan ever since 1997’s 20th anniversary edition of the original movies were released with content that had been ‘edited for your viewing pleasure.’ What did that mean? Well, due to George Lucas’ inability to leave well enough alone, he had digitally enhanced the movies (which I’ll be the first to admit was a Very Good Thing) and then messed up the whole story by digitally adding character and even whole scenes to the movie. And the most heinous of offenses he perpetrated on his adoring fans?

He made Greedo shoot first.

For the three of you in existence who have no idea what I’m talking about let me bring you up to speed. In the original Star Wars movie Luke and Obi-Wan go to the Cantina to procure a spaceship so they can get off planet and thus help save Princess Leia. In the Cantina they meet Han Solo and Chewbacca and, after a bit of haggling over price, Han Solo agrees to help them. After Luke and Obi-Wan leave the Cantina, and after Chewbacca also leaves to prepare the ship, Han Solo is confronted by a bounty hunter named Greedo who has been sent by Jabba to collect either the money Han owes Jabba, or else Han’s dead body.

And then, without any warning, Han shoots Greedo.

To my mind, this was the defining moment of Han’s character in the movies. He was a rogue, a scoundrel and not the kind of guy anybody with half a mind would ever trust and yet, by the end of the movie he has a change of heart and does the right thing by helping Luke when he had absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose. That’s what made Han Solo such a cool character and it’s also why, after seeing the 1997 re-release of Star Wars, I swore off anything and everything Star Wars related. I promised myself that I would never give George Lucas another penny of my money until he finally admitted that he had been wrong to tamper with what was for millions of fans a classic movie and released an unedited version of the movies along with his newer “re-imaginings”.

And now my prayers have been answered.

In September Lucas will release a new DVD package of the three original movies (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi) which will contain the original theatrical releases on DVD, sans re-imaginings, and the newer, digitally tweaked 2004 editions in which George added even MORE characters and scenes and changed the Cantina scene yet again so that both Greedo and Han Solo fire at each other simultaneously.

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

Anywaste, now that he’s finally realized the error of his ways and is going to release the originals as they were meant to be seen I can finally buy a DVD version of three of my favoritist movies ever. I only hope that those of you who know Star Wars only through the three newer movies (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones & Revenge of the Sith) and the digitally re-imagined originals will buy the originals now so you can finally understand why they mean so much to those of us who grew up with them. Plus, it’s just one more excuse to see Princess Leia in that slave bikini in sloooooowwww motttionnnn.

Oh man, I know what HoBiscuit’s wearing for Halloween! Boo-Ya!

Toy Story

• by GeekMan • In Announcements •   1

This weekend I broke down and bought a new cell phone.

It was not a pretty sight. In fact, had you seen my tortured face and beaten spirit, you probably would have said it was sad and pathetic. After almost a full week of attempting to make heads or tails of the price plans offered by all the different cell phone service providers in my area, I blew a gasket and demanded that HoBiscuit accompany me to each individual provider’s store where we would ask questions from the actual people who worked there and, when we figured out which was the best fit for us, make a decision and sign up. And, even though it was raining cats and dogs, HoBiscuit agreed.

Now, that’s love.

Being the Great Planner that I am, I decided that in order to “practice” our questioning skills, and also to make sure we knew what to expect from each provider, we would first go to a cell phone store that resells for all of the providers. It just so happens that in the city there’s about two BILLION cell phone resellers willing to sell you a phone for the pleasure of owning your immortal soul. Walking into the first multi-provider reseller we saw we proceeded to be educated in the ways of Cell-Fu.

“Hello. How may I help you?”
“How much does cell service cost per month for each of these providers?”
“Individually, or as a family?”
“Uhhh… Family.”
“That depends on how much you’re willing to spend per month.”
“But, that’s why we need to know how much the plans are.”
“OK, how many minutes do you think you need per month.”
“I don’t know. 1,000?”
“OK. So, most providers don’t offer 1,000 minutes. But this one here does and it’s only $70 a month.”
“Each?”
“No, that’s the family rate, but once a year they’ll ask you a favor and you cannot refuse them, no matter what they ask.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry. They usually ask for stupid things.”
“Like what?”
“You know, they sometimes need an episode of the Soprano’s taped and they’ll ask you to do it for them.”
“Oh, that’s not so bad.”
“Nope. To be honest though, every once in a while you hear stories of people who were asked for their kidney, or to sacrifice their first born to the demon god Bzzkriktz, but odds are you’ll just be doing something harmless, like picking up their mother from her bingo game on a Thursday night.”
“Oh. Uh… well, what about the other guys?
“Well, this other provider offers only 600 minutes for the same price, but they reserve the right to donate your eyes to medical research.”
“Wait. Before or after I’m dead?”
“That’s not specified in the contract.”
“Damn. OK, moving on…”
“This provider offers 700 minutes at the same price, but their contract specifically states that you must have a mind-control chip placed into your brain for the duration of the contract so they can read your thoughts and control your actions.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s pure science fiction.”
“Nope. Do you know who one of their first customers was?”
“No. Who?”
“Lee Harvey Oswald.”
“Damn. Well, that almost makes sense…”
“Uh-huh. Anyway, these other guys here have really bad reception in this area. However, if you go with these guys, you get 800 minutes and a free kick in the nads every month.”
“I kick them or they kick me?”
“I believe they kick you.”
“Well, am I allowed to wear protection?”
“No. That much I do remember from the contract. Also, and I tell you this in confidence, the contract does not actually specify that a person will do the kicking.”
“Wait. You’re telling me they can use an animal to kick my nads?!”
“Yes. I once heard of them using an angry mule. But even worse is I believe they’ve recently hired a graduate from MIT who has developed a machine that will kick you for them.”
“Oh no!”
“Oh, yes. And their contract also states that if you’re ever late paying them, they can shove a bottle in your butt and continue to kick your nads until your sphincter contracts hard enough to break the bottle.”
“Wow. Well, who do you use?”
“Are you kidding me?! I just carry a phone around to look cool. I’d never sign up with any of these guys.”
“Well, let’s say you had to get a cell phone. Who would you go with then?”
“I’d probably take my chances and go with the first guys. They usually ask for simple things and their phones are pretty cool.”
OK, well… what’s the cost for internet access and text messaging?”
“You want internet and text messaging with your service?! What are you, some psycho nutjob?! They take body parts and souls for those perks, man! Get out of my store, you freak! Get out! GET OUT!!!”

We got.

After another three hours of wandering in the rain from store to store, we finally knew which provider we wanted and, more importantly, which phone. For those who care, we decided to go with T-Mobile because they had very competitive prices, good service in our area and they offered a one year contract just in case we didn’t like them. And, because I’m such a gadget geek, we went with the very cool T-Mobile MDA phone, which seems awesome so far, especially with its hip slide-out keyboard and ability to sync with Outlook. Plus, each month it kindly reminds me when they’re going to ask me for that favor I owe them by shocking my left testicle. It’s the left because they took the right one as the down payment for my cellular internet service.

It’s funny, but I’m not really sure if that was worth it.

Dag-Nabbit!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   7

Stupid, stupid CSS.

So, I’m having a teensy-weensy bit of trouble with my CSS, or to be more precise, with my javascript rollover effects. This has led to some problems with my much delayed launch of the new site. I’m sure no one cares because I now know that absolutely no one comes here anymore. How do I know? Maybe it’s because last night I looked at my stats and the web server actuially laughed at me. I’m not kidding. When I went to check my logs a little pop-up window came up in which there was an icon of a computer and it was pointing at me and laughing.

Then it showed me my visitor count and laughed as I cried.

Anywaste, while I sort out the problem, I thought it might be nice for me to throw out a philosophical question that’s been on my mind for a while. Here’s the question; “Outside of religion or religious beliefs, i.e. god, heaven, questions of faith, etc., what do you believe is true regardless of facts or proof to the contrary?” For example, some people believe that the more money you spend on something the better it is at what it’s supposed to do. Whether or not scientific or empirical data says otherwise they will not change their belief system whether the thing in question is a $500,000 car or a $5 toy.

As for me? Well, no matter how many people say it, I still don’t believe I’m a loser.

Change Is Good

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Seasons change, people change, Blogs change.

As you might know, I’ve been working on a redesign for this site over the last few weeks, whenever I’ve had a spare moment, but now that I’m ready to launch it, I find myself questioning something. The unspoken rule of my site has always been humor first, second, always and forever, but while I’ve been offline over the last few months I’ve realized that by limiting myself to ONLY humor I’ve been keeping some of my other interests in the dark.

And my other interests are really afraid of the dark, too.

So, along with the layout change I’ll be rolling out this weekend, I think it’s about time that I also made a format change. Don’t worry though, most of the time I’ll be writing my humorous stories here with the sole purpose of entertaining you, but every now and again I might just surprise you with something else; a new Photoshop tip, a CSS tidbit, some of my photography or maybe even a non-funny opinion on current events.

And so, be ready for some big changes around here.

I know most, if not all, of you don’t care about any of this, but I felt that explaining it here first was the least I could do for my loyal visitors who might just be thrown off completely by the changes come Monday. However, I’ve been writing here for almost five years now and I’m sure most of you just want me to get with the funny and make you laugh or you’re just going to find a younger, funnier Blog to spend your time with. I know how you people think. I know you don’t really care about me. I know you just need your “fix”.

I know you don’t love me.

Oh sure, you say you love me, that you’ll never leave me, but as soon as some young Blog stretches her supple body and bats her pretty eyelashes at you, or flexes his strong, young muscles as you click on by, you’ll drop my old ass in a heartbeat. You know it’s true. You don’t love me, you never did.

[sniff]

Don’t touch me!

[muffled crying]

I don’t want your pity!

[sobbing]

Why do you close your eyes when we make love?!

[GeekMan flees in tears]