Holey Underwear, GeekMan

I need new underwear.

Just a little while ago, as I was sitting on the toilet, I happened to glance down and noticed that my tighty-whities had a hole in them about the size of a quarter. Right in the middle of the butt. One might think it a little strange for me not to notice a hole like that when I first put them on this morning but really, I don’t think anyone reading this Blog is all that surprised.

Especially since we’re talking about me.

Anywaste, after bowing my head in shame for a bit, I decided my best chance for redemption was to simply go to my stash of clean underwear and change into a non-holey pair. Unfortunately, since I am still living out of suitcases and plastic covered boxes, the only other clean underwear I could find also had holes in them.

Big, gaping, I’m-under-attack-by-killer-moths holes.

So now I’m thinking about going out and buying some new underwear except that if I do buy new underwear HoBiscuit will want to buy herself some new clothes and by the time we’re done shopping we’ll need a new apartment just for all our new clothes and we won’t be able to pay for the kitchen remodeling we’re doing in this apartment. It’s a conundrum, alright, and I’m paralyzed with indecision, because wearing holey underwear feels wrong but going commando makes me feel all flippy-floppy. So I’m having an internal debate over whether I should buy more tighty-whities or if I should go with the newfangled fitted boxer-briefs I’ve seen in the stores, because even though I like boxers I just don’t think I could handle that much freedom.

Hey, what’s with all the gagging?

Funny You Should Ask…

Life is very hectic right now.

I know I promised you some pictures earlier this week, but I have a really good excuse as to why I didn’t post them or even post anything until today. No, really. I do. I’m not kidding. Seriously. Wait; just stop rolling your eyes and listen, ok? And no, this time radioactive squirrels are not involved, although I don’t see why you didn’t believe me last time when I told you they had sneaked into my apartment at night and scotch-taped my eyes shut so I couldn’t see and thus couldn’t post anything.

It took me hours to figure out I wasn’t really blind.

Well, this time I’m afraid my reasons are a bit more mundane. You see, work suddenly picked up and then got crazy. Really, really crazy. As in working for 18 hours straight for three days in a row, crazy. And, just when we thought we were almost done with the kitchen, the contractor doing the work just stopped showing up. Don’t worry though, he’s back and working again now, but I guess he decided he needed a few days rest before tackling the hardest part of the remodeling work.

You know, like actually doing something.

Anywaste, I’m being forced to travel for the next week for work so this Blog will once again go stagnant until I return, unless these four guest writers decide to say something while I’m away. (hint, hint) I plan on returning FULL FORCE on Monday, October 11th with all new stories to entertain all of my faithful visitors. Even better, sometime before the new year I will be doing some major remodeling right here on The Mighty Geek. And have no fear; I promise I won’t be using the contractors who are currently destroying my kitchen when I redesign TMG. So stay tuned true believers, the GeekMan you’ve all come to know, loathe, pity and despise will return.

And maybe this time someone will notice.

Break

I’m moving.

And since I’m moving I’m not going to be able to update as often as I would like so, for the first time ever, I’m handing over the keys to TMG to some friends of mine. They’ll be trying to keep all three of my visitors from abandoning me during my absence. And hopefully they’ll be more entertaining than I’ve ever been and everyone will come back to visit TMG even after I take over again.

But I’m not holding my breath.

Anywaste, I hope everyone has a wonderful two weeks while I’m offline. I’ll be back on Septemeber 7th with what I’m sure will be a boatload of new and funny stories to tell about moving, kitchen remodeling, contractors, family and, lest we forget, my brother’s wedding.

Have fun kids!
GeekMan

P.S. – Bread’s betting that TMG will get more visitors while I’m away than I’ve ever gotten before which will only prove to the world just how big a loser I really am.

Crap. I think he’s right.

I’m Still Sick

And you still don’t care.

But don’t cry for me, Argentina. My life isn’t so bad. I’ve got a fast internet connection, a cupboard full of Cup ‘O Noodles and a tv that loves me no matter how many times my nose has a sudden flash-flood and liquid snot drips out before I can reach the tissue box.

Whoops! That one was a tsunami.

Anywaste, while I’m laying about killing time until this cold/infestation works its way through my system YOU should be sending in your questions to Bread so he can ridicule you with innane and insulting answers tomorrow. Just send an email with the subject line, “The Mighty Question” to bread at the mighty geek dot com.

Oh, and ladies? His invitation still stands.

You Know You Want It

He who dies with the most toys, wins.

So, you wish you had a video game system as ‘leet as mine but every time you go to the ATM you realize that you don’t have a bazillion dollars to spend to get it? Well, don’t sit there crying about how unfair the world is! Get up off your keister and sell your soul, and the souls of up to 5 of your close friends, to Lord Satan and you too can get some or all of your dream home theater for FREE!

Plus shipping and handling.

For example; let’s say you wish you had your very own video gaming system but can’t seem to save the shillings necessary to buy one. Well now, thanks to the kind people at Gratis Internet, you can have one for free! Just go to Free Video Games dot com, fill out the soul-purchasing form on their website, sign up for one of their offers that will take you a lifetime to get released from, and then agree to accept any and all spam for the rest of your natural life.

Oh, and get five more idiots friends to do the same.

What’s that you say? You don’t want a regular, plain old X-Box? You say that in order to make selling your soul, and the souls of a few friends, worthwhile you want to have a special, limited edition X-Box? Something no one else on the planet would ever knowingly allow into their home? Preferably in ugly, puke-ish neon green? Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?!

Free Green Machine has got you covered!

And now you’re probably wondering how useful a brand new free X-Box will be when you don’t even have a game to play, right? Well, don’t you get yourself into a lather because Get The Game Free has a surprise for you!

That’s right! A Free Limited Collector’s Edition Halo 2 game!

Oh, but now I bet you’re thinking, “I’ve got this fricking awesome machine and the most awesomely great game ever, but I don’t have a TV to play it on.” Don’t you fret because you can get yourself a free TV or flat panel LCD screen over at Free Flat Screens!

I bet your sporting wood now, huh?

But wait, as the late night commercials say, there’s more! Shock. Gasp. What if you really wanted a surround-sound system to compliment your free home theater? Well, I thought you’d never ask! Now, while it’s true that the people over at Gifts For Nothing aren’t guaranteeing you a free surround-sound system, they are giving you the chance to win one! And really, what’s better than getting an entire home theater gaming system for the low, low price of your, and a few of your friends’, souls?

Nothing, that’s what. Absolutely nothing.

Infested

Where’s Raid when you need it?

This week GeekHaüse has been infested with the most insidious type of household pest known to humankind. This particular infestation comes almost without warning and cannot be eradicated by any known or unknown insecticide, poison, trap, napalm, nuclear radiation or congressional committee.

The in-laws are visiting.

That’s right, Mr. and Mrs. Geek are playing host to HoBiscuit’s mom, dad, sister, sister’s husband, niece and two nephews for the rest of this week which means that updates to this website might be a little sporadic this week. However, at the very least Bread assures me that he will be answering reader-submitted questions once again this Friday. So, if you have any philosophical questions of Great Worth, or even if you just want to know your horoscope, don’t hesitate to shoot Bread… an email. You can send your question to bread directly at; bread at the mighty geek dot com. Be sure to have “The Mighty Question” as your subject line or Bread might not answer your question.

Yeah, he’s a Rule-Nazi. What can you do?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to bone up on my Halo skills or my nephews will once again humiliate me with an ego-crushing defeat. It’s bad enough that they can kill me without even trying, but I really think their father should teach them not to point at my tears of shame and chant, “Loser, Loser! Uncle Geek is a big, stupid loser!”

And then they make me do the Crybaby Dance Of Shame.

Oh Boy

Have I got a weekend full of stories to share with you!

This Saturday I helped my in-laws throw a garage sale which, contrary to all common sense, they decided NOT to advertise in the local papers. Then, just to tease the gods of fate even more, they only posted ONE sign for passing cars to see and so entice them to come and buy things at the garage sale. Where did they post the sign, you ask?

Would you believe on the corner of a dead end street?!

But enough about the Great Garage Fiasco of ’04, let’s move on to the Hilariously Shameful Car Ride of ’04. On Sunday I went to a family barbecue where I needed to drive 2 hours to the middle of nowhere Long Island with my grandma and grandpa, who have not gone that long without a bathroom break in about six years. As we’re driving up there my grandpa kept up a constant barrage of complaints that were broken only by his attempts to dislodge the world’s largest clump of phlegm from deep down in his gullet. It was the sound I imagine a sick dog coughing up a wet cat coughing up a giant hairball would make.

No, I take that back. This sound was wetter.

At one point grandpa stopped complaining long enough to toss out this little gem that will live with me forever, “You know, I’m only talking to keep myself alive.” I laughed so hard I cried, and then I laughed some more. The barbeque was wonderful, but it was the ride home I was dreading, and for good reason. On the way home, poor grandpa couldn’t hold his water for the whole trip and thus commanded my grandmother to hand him “The Cup”.

Oh yeah, he did. And my car has leather seats.

So, here I am barreling down the Long Island Expressway at 85mph and in my head is the following prayer;

Oh, Lords of Sky and Earth, please hear my plea. Let the road be smooth and his aim be true because if he misses and pees on my car I’m going to kill him.

So, of course, we hit a bump.

Grandpa:
“Whoa! Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.”

GeekMan:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm. Wow, I don’t think my pants have been this wet since I was a baby.”

Grandma:
“Shut up! You don’t have to say anything! They wouldn’t know if you kept your big mouth shut!”

Grandpa:
“What? You think they won’t smell it when it’s all over the back of HoBiscuit’s seat?”

HoBiscuit:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandma:
“Shut up, you idiot! I would have wiped it off before they knew! You and your big mouth!”

Grandpa:
“I don’t hide my mistakes! How can I when I’m seen in public with you?!”

Grandma:
“You drive me crazy. Why haven’t you put that thing away yet?”

Grandpa:
“I think I’ve got to go again. Give me back The Cup.”

Grandma:
“With how you treat me, it would serve you right if I just let you piss yourself…”

GeekMan & HoBiscuit:
“Give him the cup! GIVE HIM THE CUP!!!”

Everyone:
“…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm…”

Falling Down

Early morning phone calls are never good news.

At 2:15 this morning I got a phone call informing me that Mr. Hentai was in the hospital. Apparently he fainted or collapsed last night for no reason whatsoever and his girlfriend made him check into the hospital for testing because she was worried about him, even though he wanted to shrug it off and go back to bed.

Good for her. Him? He’s a schmuck.

Anywaste, today I am going to do nothing but think good thoughts and well wishes to Mr. Hentai and I ask that each of you please do the same. I don’t know what happened, and I won’t know until later this evening, but any and all well wishes would be greatly appreciated. I’m hoping that it was nothing but fatigue, but you never know, you know?

Hey, he’s my best friend, need I say more?

And This Time I Really Mean It

Well true believers, GeekMan’s got some bad news.

Due to my amazingly full work schedule I’m going to be flying to Chicago today to be a good little graphics monkey and make enough money for HoBiscuit to buy herself a new pair of shoes, and the accompanying walk-in closet to go with them. What that means for you my loyal readership is that I’ll be gone for yet another week, but if my visitor logs are any indication then neither of you will really care.

I don’t even think Momma Geek will notice my absence.

In order for the world to fully comprehend my agony over leaving all of you unattended and humorless for yet another seven days, I originally wanted to express myself in the only way I believed could truly capture all of my anguish, heartache, fear and despair. But since no one would have been able to see my interpretive dance, I’ve decided to use a different style of expression more in keeping with this computerized medium. So sit back and prepare yourself for my awe inspiring and almost Shakespearian display of Crane-Style Emotive Blogger Haiku.

Yeah BOY-eee. I got mad haiku skilz.

Early morning flight
Work has GeekMan by the nads
Updates shall suffer

Readers bow their heads
Hot chocolate made sweet with tears
Heaven holds no warmth

Another week gone
Sadness envelopes the world
Until The Return

Mark your calendar
There will be great rejoicing
On Monday the twelfth

That’s right. You just got poetry served.

Reason In Rhyme

Dear Minions,

I understand that it’s Sunday
And yet, I’ll post this anyway
To heck with rules is what I say
When GeekMan is not here to play

My mind is lost, it’s gone you see
I’m driving friends down to DC
I offered up my SUV
To help them leave New York City

Try not to fret, or weep, or cry
For GeekMan did not up and die
I have not been poked in the eye
Or made into Sweeney Meat Pie

I’m just a Geek who’s strong, like ox
Which means I’ll lift a heavy box
While my friends who’re smart, like fox
Eat bagels, cream cheese and some lox

So for a week and then a night
There will be no updates to this site
Monday the 5th is when I’ll write
Later!
Love,
The Geek of Might