Today is my Blogiversary. To celebrate, I am going to forgo torturing all of you with another song parody I was working on and simply say that it’s been fun so far and I hope to continue for a long time to come. I’d say something funny now, but I’m too sick to make the effort.

Is it just me, or do tissue companies use the same paper stock as sandpaper?

Well, here’s a little bit of a Dr. Seuss inspired poem I was working on for my Blogiversary. It’s not very good, but at least I can always say I’m sick. What’s your excuse for actually reading it?

On behalf of the site you see

Written by me, The Mighty Geek

It’s time to throw a big party

Cause it’s my Blogiversary!

I’ve entertained you all for free

Posting merely thrice a week

Reached my goal and now it be

My one year Blogiversary!

Pinger, dog, song parody,

Alter ego, bike story,

I even write ‘bout family

Bless this Blogiversary!

I am so sick, I cough and sneeze

Can barely write, forget funny

This song just was not meant to be

Stupid Blogiversary!

Anywaste, I hope everyone has enjoyed reading my stupid crap funny stories during this last year. I certainly enjoy writing them. I’ll be back next week on a more regular schedule of funny posts and silly stories. Right now, I’ve got to go back to bed and pray to some deity of the netherworld to give me back my health in return for my soul.

And won’t they be surprised when they discover that by ‘soul’ I meant my shoe?

Hahahaha

*cough*

Haha

*weeze*

Hahaha

*hackcoughhackhack*

Haha

*GeekMan shaped explosion of phlegm*

I’m baaaaaack.

I’m also sick, tired and surrounded by dirty laundry and overdue bills. Lucky me. Trust me when I say that the life of the jet-setter is not everything those cheap novels would have you believe. However, if I wasn’t so busy wiping greenish-yellow mucus from my nose & eyes, sneezing my brains out and coughing up whatever was left of my spleen, I would tell you what a fabulous time I had during the last month.

Even though my body continues to find new and exciting ways to thoroughly disgust me.

I doubt anybody actually even noticed my absence, but in case any of you woke up in the wee hours of a cold morning in a pool of your own sweat and urine screaming, “Where’s GeekMan?!?” to the ghosts in your closet, let me say that you’re concern is touching.

Pathetic, but touching nevertheless.

During this last month, I got to stay in a two bedroom condo in Florida while being paid to go fishing, visit Scotland and tour the entire country with my lovely girlfriend, and finally got paid to sail on the Queen Elizabeth 2 out of NYC for 6 days.

I know, I know. But what can I say? I’m a martyr for my work.

It will take me a few days to recover from my cold, which means I’ll be healthy just in time to go to another wedding this weekend. I don’t really expect to post on a regular schedule until next Monday at the earliest. Next week I plan on having a story about my Scotland trip up on the site, complete with lots of pictures and some silly commentary. Since I took over 1,000 pictures in Scotland, it will take me a couple of days to sort them properly and size them for the web.

Have I told you how much I love my camera? No? Well then, there it is.

Anywaste, even though I had a wonderful time this last month, I’m glad to be back home. I plan on returning to writing here on a regular schedule again by next week, right after I attend another wedding and right before I have another meeting with my dentist, Dr. D. Kay.

Now, does anyone know if a lung is yellowish-tan with flecks of blood? Because I think I just coughed it up onto my desk. Ew.

I’ve only got a couple of hours before my plane leaves for Scotland, but instead of eating or going to the bathroom I decided to upload a few pictures I took of my hotel room in Florida. I want it noted here and now that I am forgoing my own bodily functions and dietary needs in order to show faceless and nameless people I’ve never met some silly photographs of no educational or intellectual value.

Never let it be said that the Mighty Geek doesn’t live to serve his readership.

You can find these pictures of stupendous valueless-ness in the photographic section of my Media area. Or by simply clicking here. As my stomach has just used my own lower intestines to garrote me in a desperate attempt to get my attention, I will now say farewell and attempt to appease the Demon of Starvation by eating my own back teeth and knuckle hair.

Then, I shall find myself some cottony-soft tissue and a very strong toilet.

You want an epileptic seizure? I got your epileptic seizure right here!

Burn retinas, BURN!

Oh, my aching head.

As I sit here in this cold, dark ballroom listening to a hack-band decimate such rock and roll classics as ‘Walk This Way’ and ‘Walk Like A Man’ it dawned upon me that my life is just not worth living. I mean, here I am wondering if I could kill myself by swallowing my computer mouse and suffocating as a group of talentless, Stomp imitating losers dance on stage like baboons warding off an encroaching lion. Oh great, now the Stomp-lite’s are doing an impromptu version of Battle of the Valkyries with broomsticks and buckets.

Now I’m thinking that I’m already dead and this is my own little corner of hell.

In case you haven’t guessed yet, I’ve been busy traveling for work. Don’t misunderstand, I love what I do and I’m working with great people, but sometimes the so called ‘talent’ hired to do something really isn’t talented. In fact, they stink worse than a Motown Boy Band reunion but no one has the heart to tell them. So, like unwanted and annoying house visitors, they believe they’re still welcome in your mind and continue to chip away at your patience and sanity with their sharp claws of asinine stupidity.

If only I had a license to kill.

My travel schedule of the past few weeks helps explain why I didn’t know until late last night that I had won a Blorgie. This is a high honor indeed, especially since I won for Stealth and Determination and Knows How To Work It.

Eat your hearts out Ninja Cheerleading Squad of Undisclosed Location A.

Now that I’ve finally won an award I’m off to rule the world with an iron fist. Quiver in fear mortals.

You too, mom.

On Sunday a whole bunch of my friends came over to my place just to hangout. One of my friends brought up the fact that my computer is very, very old and thus I deserved to be ridiculed for having the audacity to call myself a mighty geek. He and some of my other friends proceeded to make fun of me for the next half hour, calling me names like The Mighty Weak and GeekMan The Meek.

Yeah, my friends are really original.

My friend then said that he happened to have a few old computer parts in his bag and would I like to have them for my computer. Of course, I asked what he had knowing full well that anything would be better than my pathetic six year old Pentium II 300. Amazingly, my friend just happened to be carrying a motherboard, 256MB of RAM, and a Pentium 3 with him for no other reason than to impress any women he might run into in a bar.

And that should tell you all you need to know about my friends.

It took less than five minutes for all the men to be in my computer room working on the computer and all the women to be in the living room watching the Golden Globe Awards on TV. Within ten minutes my computer was and pieces. Fifteen minutes later, we were all standing around trying to figure out why my computer would no longer work. It was at that moment that I remembered the last time I backed up my files was six months ago.

I got so scared I think I peed, just a little, in my pants.

It took about two hours, but we did get my computer to boot and all the software working properly except of course, the modem, which for some reason the computer didn’t recognize. We tried removing it, uninstalling the drivers, re-installing the drivers and even sacrificing a small goat at an impromptu shrine to Bill Gates, but nothing worked. We decided that the best way to tackle this puzzling conundrum was to play cards and drink heavily until one of us came up with a solution.

My friends left me at midnight and I am still modemless.

Luckily, I have this beautiful, wonderful, fully functional laptop with which to sign on the Internet and update my site. Unfortunately, it took me a while to get it set up properly, which forced me to miss my usual Monday afternoon post. I should be back to my normal posting schedule Friday.

Be afraid.

I was feeling a bit creative today, so I decided to create a new skin for the site. It’s called Aztec Rug and you can find it there on the right under ‘Geek Skins’. It’s modeled after a rug I own and I think the skin looks pretty good, even if I do say so myself.

And since I’m writing this, I do say so. Myself.

I also added the Christmas Story and the Little Blogger Boy to my Essay area so they wouldn’t get lost in the black hole-like depths of my archives. You can find those two pieces of mundane and self-aggrandizing writing (and more) under the Media button at the top of your screen. No one ever looks through my archives except me anyway, and I didn’t want these stories to disappear into the ether like my motivation and sense of adventure. Oh, and if anyone sees my courage please don’t provoke it. Just call the Wizard and wait patiently for him to arrive. Should my courage attempt to approach you, poke it in the eye with a sharp, pointed stick and scream obscenities at it in Ancient Gaelic.

If you’re female, try the ‘Let’s Just Be Friends’ speech. That always makes it shrivel up like a slug on a salt lick.

Anywaste, just in case you’re too busy partying to check back here later, let me take the time to wish you a Happy New Year now. Be responsible, party hard but play it safe. Remember, always wear clean underwear, call your mother at least once a week and it’s lick, drink and then suck. Also, no matter how drunk you might get or how many times your friends ‘double-dog dare’ you, it is never, ever a good idea to try and make sweet love to a bear in the zoo to ring in the New Year.

Trust me on that last one. Voice of experience talking, ok?

Happy New Year everyone!

Well, it looks like HoBiscuit my girlfriend and I made the final cut on Inside the Actors Studio. If anyone out there actually watched the show Sunday night, then you probably saw us in the audience shot during the Will Ferrell piece. HoBiscuit my girlfriend is in the audience close-up shot, and as they pan to the right my ugly mug comes into view. Good thing I’m almost completely hidden behind the goofy tall guy with a backwards baseball cap, or the camera might have destroyed itself in an effort to spare the rest of humanity from my horrible countenance.

No, really.

If you saw me and think you can identify me in a police lineup then keep in mind that my alibi is rock-solid. I was sleeping at home and nowhere near the grassy knoll, but if you’ll look into this little flashy thing cleverly disguised as a pen while I put on my sunglasses I’ll be happy to answer any other questions you might have.

*FLASH*

…and the monkey said, “These aren’t my pants but they sure beat Dockers!”

Hahahahaha! Heheheheh. Ha-ha. He-he. Hoooboy. Heh. Whew. Funny.

Tomorrow night is Monday Night Football but my friends and I won’t be watching because we’ll be too busy chasing chanting Yankees cheers to stop and watch football. Yeah, that’s right, even though I don’t like baseball, the Yankees are in a do or die situation and I feel it’s my duty as a lifelong New Yorker to jump on the bandwagon and root for them.

And yeah, I’ll make sure to watch my step so’s not to break my ankle when I jump on board.

According to my site stats, I had 1,746 visitors (or 48,070 page hits) during the month of August. They can’t all be me either, because I haven’t perfected my PERL Automatic Page Reloading Instant Karmic A-lister script (PAPRIKA for short). Although I don’t think I’ll ever have a huge readership like some other Blog/journals out there, it’s my secret desire to somehow garner a small select group of loyal fans that enjoy my sucking-of-the-teeth-while-rolling-your-eyes bad attempts at humor enough to keep coming back. Since August was only the third month that TMG existed (and the first month of actual content) having so many visitors really blows my mind. To all of you who not only had the courage to read this site but the fortitude to return for more, I humbly thank you. To my mother, stop hitting F5.

Below is an excerpt from a mock interview for a “Behind the Site” type entry I was going to put up to amuse myself with just in case I had no visitors at all. At 1:30am this part still seemed really funny to me so I figured I’d post it anyway and maybe you’d like it too. Enjoy.

BTS

“So, tell me more about your web site, The Mighty Geek.”

GM

“Well, Dave…”

BTS

“My name is Richard.”

GM

“I knew that. Well Rob…”

BTS

“Richard.”

GM

“You’re interrupting me.”

BTS

“Sorry.”

GM

“May I finish, Richard?”

BTS

*sigh* “Please.”

GM

“Where was I? Oh yes. Well Rick, I love myself. Really, I just can’t seem to get enough of me and I think everyone else needs to understand how awe-inspiringly perfect I am and how unimportant and worthless they are. Especially when you consider that they are not me. That’s why I have my web site. I really do all of this just for me so I can go back and re-read all the witty, intelligent, funny and interesting things I have to say about myself, but I feel my site can also help educate my public about all things me. It’s like, people sometimes ask me what I want on my tombstone when I die and I always reply, “Nothing, because once I’m gone all of you will realize just how worthless you are, and the universe will cease to exist out of self pity.”

BTS

“You really think you’re that special?”

GM

“Of course! I’ve been known to stand in front of the mirror in restaurant bathrooms for an hour or more at a time just looking at the perfection that is me. Sometimes I even talk to my reflection, telling myself how special, smart and good-looking I am. I know people are jealous so if anyone knocks on the door I make poo-poo noises until they go away. I feel that if only more people knew how perfect I was they would realize they should try to be more like me. My site is just my way of reaching out to all you little people who so desperately need my help. I know it takes time out of my busy schedule of watching home movies of myself to write my entries about me on my site, but I feel I have to. Everyone out there is so obviously in need of role models like me that I think it’s the least I can do to try and help them in some small way by showing them how much better than them I am. I mean, I certainly don’t need them so they must need me. Right?”