Loosing Touch

Cable modem go bye-bye.

Being that I am such a Geek, I should have seen this coming. I should have known that as soon as I wanted to start writing my long posts again that something would happen to make my doing so nearly impossible. Some goddess above or demon below would conspire to thwart my hopeless desire to do something creative with my otherwise wasted time.

And so, I have lost my cable connection to the web.

What’s even worse is that the useless people at the cable company won’t be able to come to my home and fix this problem until October 1st. And, because I am so angry right now I could poop in a paper bag, set it on fire on their front porch, ring their doorbell and run away, I will NOT mention my cable company by name. Let’s just say that they’re named after an annoying cartoon bird that is chased around the desert by a very hungry coyote and leave it at that, ok? Stupid coyote should just buy a gun and shoot the damn bird already.

“Beep-beep!” BANG. Dead. Just like that.

So, if you don’t hear from me for the next week or so, you now know why. I’ve had to go to the local coffeehouse chain in order to post this on the web and I hate coffee. Especially when it’s overpriced, weirdly named coffee at $7 a cup. Honestly, doesn’t anyone else think that asking for a ‘double shot, extra-foam, cinnamon-mango grande latte’ is astoundingly pretentious? What? You don’t? Really? Oh, this is just great. Now all you coffee freaks are going to be clamoring for my nads in a basket.

Deep-fried. With a side of garlic mash and a cola. Yummy.

All Things Old Are New Again

I’m back.

There are still a few problems that I haven’t worked out yet, the most glaring of which is that this site now looks like crap on a Mac, but on the whole I’m pretty happy with my new design. Why don’t you take a quick look around and tell me about all the bugs I’m sure you’ll find in my horrendous code.

Hey, I’m a designer. Not a hacker.

Anywaste, since my hacking skills are so pathetically stunted that fourth graders regularily mock me as I walk the streets in my blue silk bathrobe while reading “HTML For Schmucks” and mumbling to myself, I’d like to take this opportunity to beg for some help. If anyone out there is willing to help me out, I’d really appreciate it.

My problems are twofold.

The first, and most important problem, is that I can’t seem to get this page to render correctly on the Mac. I don’t know why because as far as I can tell it looks fine to everyone on a PC. The way it’s supposed to look is like this;

The problem is that the top blue bar seems to be missing when viewed on a Mac and the little corner icons of my side bar aren’t in their proper place. They’re coming in one line below making everything ugly.

The second problem is not so big. If you’re using IE 5.5 or above, then the scroll bar should be a light grey like the background of my content boxes. But on the main page it isn’t, even though if you look at my “About” page it is grey. And before you ask, yes the code is EXACTLY the same on the About page and my home page.

So, to sum up; “Won’t someone help a brother out?”

*** Update: Another problem is that one can no longer highlight text properly. Damn, I suck at coding. ***

Winds Of Change

For there’s a change in the weather, there’s a change in the sea,
So from now on there’ll be a change in me
My walk will be different, my talk and my name,
Nothing about me is going to be the same
I’m going to change my way of living if that ain’t enough,
Then I’ll change the way I strut my stuff
Cause nobody wants you when you’re old and gray
There’ll be some changes made today,
There’ll be some changes made

For there’s a change in the fashions, ask the feminine folks,
Even Jack Benny has been changing jokes,
I must make some changes from old to the new,
I must do some things the same as others do
I’m going to change my long tall Mama for a little short fat,
Going to change the number where I live at
I must have some loving or I’ll fade away
There’ll be some changes made today
Oh, there’ll be some changes made
Continue reading

Blackout Blogging

This couldn’t be happening.

[click]

My Aeron chair let out a slight squeak in the darkness as I sat in front of my dark computer screen in my dark house on my dark street in the dark city. Moisture from my sweat covered body dripped down my hunched back and gathered in the crack of my anus as I feverishly pressed the power button of my computer for the millionth time in the hopes that some miracle would occur. That someway, somehow my computer would magically turn on without electricity.

[click]

Dammit.

After seven hours of this impulsive/compulsive behavior, I reluctantly concluded that without electricity even my computer could not function. As I lifted myself out of my chair (making the ssshhhhlllip noise of sweaty skin being peeled away from vynil) I noticed that HoBiscuit had managed to find her way home.

“Hey Sweetie. I think we blew a fuse or something.”
“You’re an idiot. The power’s out in the whole city and I had to walk home!”
“Wow. Midtown to Brooklyn? Isn’t that, like, far?”
“It took me three hours, you insensitive jerk! I walked forever! In flip-flops!”
“Oh. Well, you did say you wanted to get some exercise, right? So let’s go get some traditional NY Blackout dinner and look at the stars.”
“But my feet hurt! And what’s traditional NY Blackout food?”
“Pizza, of course.”

This morning we still had no power, so we decided to go out and walk in the park. Meeting up with another friend of ours, we spent a delightful day sitting in the shade of Prospect Park and watching all the other powerless people frolicking on the grass. We then went out for dinner (pizza again) and then walked our way back home.

[click]

Hazzah! Our power had returned!

So, after a beautiful day in the park with my beautiful woman in my arms, what do you think I’m doing with my newfound power?

[click]

That’s right. I’m watching preseason football on tv with all the lights on in my frigidly air-conditioned house as my popcorn cooks in the microwave.

Screw nature. Give me my climate control and cable or I’ll kill you.
Continue reading

Service With A Smile

I love CyberPower.

All last week I was having trouble with my computer’s CD-R/RW drive. No matter what I was trying to record to disc; files, music, pr0n, the drive would merely spin for a few moments making very unhappy noises and then spit out the completely empty, and now unusable, disc. I went through about 10 discs before giving up and admitting to myself that the drive was dead.

I was not a happy Geek.

Resigned to the thought of purchasing a new CD-R/RW drive, I began doing some research online. On Tuesday of this week, I mentioned to HoBiscuit that I needed a new drive and she wondered aloud how long I’ve had the computer. When I told her I thought it was less than a year, she called me a moron. Believing I had just been insulted, I stopped using one of our big, wooden spoons to bang the metal pot on my head and turned to my lovely fiancée.

Wiping the drool from my chin I asked, “What do pretty lady mean?”

She let out a big sigh and raised her eyes heavenward, as if to ask a higher power why she had ever agreed to marry such a blithering idiot like myself. Speaking slowly, she explained to me that most computers come with a ‘Warranty’ of at least one year. At my blank stare, she further explained that if my computer had this wondrous and magical ‘Warranty’ I might not need to purchase a new CD-R/RW on my own because the company I bought the computer from would simply replace the faulty component for me. For free.

O, Font of Wisdom! Thou hast saveth the day!

With my new understanding of the inner workings of the universe, I called the tech support number conveniently located on the side panel of my computer. In less than 30 seconds I was speaking with a real, live person who took down my name, telephone number and my computer’s Service Number. The last was a number was found on another sticker on the side panel of the computer, right below some other important numbers like the OS registration number, my bank account and HoBiscuits birthday.

Dammit, missed it again.

The kind woman on the phone then told me that a tech support person would call me later in the day to help me with my problem. Thinking that I had just been screwed, I was shocked and amazed when, less than an hour and a half later, someone actually did call!

I nearly fell over dead from the shock of it.

My guy, Dave by name, worked with me on the problem. After working on it with me for a while, he admitted that the drive itself had probably failed and, after making sure I was still under the protective custody of the ‘Warranty’, he put in a request for a new drive to be mailed to me.

This nearly caused me to have heart palpitations, but wait. There’s more.

Dave went on to ask me if I wanted to install the drive myself, or if I would rather have someone come to my home and do it for me. Aha, I thought, so that’s it! He expects me to pay for the pleasure of having Johnny Buttcrack install something for me when I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself! What kind of fool did Dave think I was?! But when I asked Dave how much such a service would cost me he said, “Not a dime.”

This time I did faint, but only for a moment.

So, I am now a charter member of the CyberPower Fan Club. Now, I have owned computers from almost all of the big name computer manufacturers out there, and even some of the smaller guys so I do understand that many other companies have this kind of service. Fast phone support answering times, replacing defective computer parts and even sending a technician to your home to help with component installation isn’t something exclusive to CyberPower. But I also know from first hand experience just how many hoops those other companies make you jump through before they’ll get to the point of sending a replacement and/or a technician. So in the future, if you ever ask me what computer to buy or what computer company is tops in service and support, I’ll say CyberPower without any hesitation.

Now, if only they made laptops…

Stay Tuned

Next week will be fun.

I’m not kidding, it really will be. That’s because JadedJu of JadedJu.com will be here interviewing me all week. I’ve agreed to answer any and all questions she might throw at me, so you all might just find out something new and revolting about me!

Won’t that be fun?

So remember to mark your calendars and clear your schedules, because next week is Geek Week right here at The Mighty Geek! Look out Pat O’Brien, because one day soon GeekMan is coming to Access Hollywood! And you better believe I’ll be grabbing some O’Dell buttock while I’m there! Boo-Yah!

Man! This level of entertainment just can’t be Tivo’d!

Laundry Pixies

I don’t understand.

Last week, HoBiscuit and I did the laundry together, leaving behind nothing unwashed. Today we once again have a full hamper. Nothing strange or noteworthy about that since we do tend to wear clothing during the normal course of our day, but what is strange is that all of the clothes in the hamper appear to be mine.

Say, “Wha?”

Did I miss something here? Is HoBiscuit doing her laundry at 4am while I’m asleep, or something? Do we have Laundry Pixies? How the heck can I, and only I, have a basket full of dirty clothes when HoBiscuit goes to work in a different outfit every morning while I lie in bed in my pajamas until noon?

Elementary math says this just doesn’t add up!

I count eight pairs of my shorts, ten of my shirts, my workout clothes, my pajamas and a whole slew of my socks and underwear, and all I see here that belongs to HoBiscuit are about two hundred pairs of panties! Ladies, help me out here. One of you, please, have pity on this poor Geek and explain to him why his woman has no dirty laundry to speak of after a whole week of wearing clothes. It’s driving me insane!

For the love of llamas, there aren’t even any BRAS!

The Missing Link

Mmmm, tastes just like chicken.

Not only did this idiot cut off his one-eyed wonder worm with his own hand, but he even managed to ignore the immense pain of self mutilation long enough to fry it up and eat it!

Now what’s he gonna do when he needs to pee? Swallow a sponge?

At this point most people would leave this story alone and move on, but not me. That’s because I’ve got a question running through my head that’s driving me crazy. You see, I’m wondering if this schmuck sat down at the table and used a knife and fork to eat his tallywacker, or if he ate it out of the frying pan over the sink like a real man?

You know, in his wife-beater and tighty whities reddies.

And what spices does one use in preparing a sexual organ for consumption? I’m sure there’s salt, pepper and garlic in there, but what about paprika and thyme? Also, what does one serve with schlong? Peas and carrots? Chickpea melody? Homefries? What?

Dammit, this is going to keep me up at night. I can tell.

No Good Can Come Of This

My grandpa will be the death of me.

GeekMan:
“HoBiscuit, have a piece of my cake. It’s really good.”

HoBiscuit:
“No thanks. I think I’ve had enough for tonight. I’m trying to slim down for the wedding, you know.”

Grandpa:
“You know, I have noticed that your ass is getting big.”

[HoBiscuit punches Geekman. HARD.]

In other news. Happy birthday to me.

Ketchup Time

Things I’ve done in the last week and a half.

  • Flew to Atlanta
  • Went to a cemetery
  • Flew to Dallas
  • Went to a Brazilian restaurant and ate my weight in dead animal flesh
  • Swore I’d never eat that much again
  • Worked like the wage-whore I am for yet another ungrateful client
  • Went back to Brazilian restaurant and ate even more than the first time
  • Pondered the viability of purchasing personal home/travel defibrillator
  • Got forklift/taxi to airport
  • Flew home
  • Bought a new scanner
  • Attempted to install scanner, v1
  • Cursed
  • Attempted to install scanner, v2
  • Cursed some more
  • Attempted to install scanner, v3
  • Cursed, had aneurism, fell to floor
  • Foamed at the mouth as my new perspective allows me to see that scanner was not plugged into outlet
  • Attempted to install scanner, v4 – problem solved
  • Cursed self for being an idiot
  • Read 5 books
    1. The Art of Photoshop
    2. Summer Knight
    3. Bureau 13: Judgment Night
    4. Something M.Y.T.H. Inc.
    5. The Book of Athyra
  • Digitized less than half my CD collection (28 GBs and growing)
  • Saved the world from egomaniacal madman intent on ruling the world from his secret underground lair located on a small, skull-shaped island off the coast of Malaysia
  • Wedding stuff
  • Paid bills
  • More wedding stuff
  • Paid more bills
  • Even more wedding stuff
  • Paid even more bills
  • Made a tourniquet out of $100 bills to stop the outward flow of money from my wallet
  • Attempted suicide by repeatedly dropping giant-sized annual wedding spectacular issues of women’s magazines on my head – attempt failed miserably
  • And now, finally, I have begun Blogging again

Let the rejoicing begin.