I thought I was rid of him forever.
I was minding my own business, watching Maria “Money Honey” Bartiromo on MSNBC when I first realized trouble was nearby. Call it a hunch, or my innate ‘geek-boy danger sense’ (developed during the requisite Bully Avoidance classes all true Geeks must take in school), but somehow I knew that something horrible was headed my way. Little did I realize that it was already too late.
“Hey Bub, got a sec?”
I was really proud of the way I managed to hide my near heart attack level of surprise when Bread spoke from directly beside me on the couch. I didn’t flinch, I didn’t jump, and I didn’t even blink. And even though I was screaming like sex-crazed spider monkey in my mind, to all outward appearances I did nothing more than calmly turn my head to give him a questioning look.
I didn’t let on at all that I was slowly and silently peeing my pants.
“Bread, I’m on a leather couch in the middle of my living room. How the hell did you manage to sit next to me without my noticing?”
“Because you’re an idiot who’s quick thinking is measured at the same rate as plate tectonics?”
I waited just a heartbeat too long.
“And you’re a big dummy.”
“Oooo. That really hurt. Did you think of it all by yourself or did your momma send you an email?”
I turned away quickly, so as not to give him the satisfaction of watching me furiously blink back my tears. The little bastard knew exactly what to say to make me feel slow, stupid and awkward. Just like all those girls back in college.
Well, at least Bread wasn’t laughing hysterically and pointing at my crotch.
“Is there a specific reason you wanted to talk to me, or are you here just to insult me?”
“Hey Bub, you’re insulting enough without any help from me.”
“Why you little…”
“Speaking of ‘little’…”
“Shut up!”
I gave him my best Don’t You Dare stare and took a sip of water while I calmed down.
“Easy there Bub, no need to burst a capillary or anything. I’m just yanking your chain, is all. We cool?”
“What. Do. You. Want.”
“I was just wondering what happened to Miss ExBoxx. I mean, I know you and a friend of yours were busy using and abusing her yesterday afternoon, but now I can’t seem to find her.”
This was Amazing! I knew something Bread didn’t! My mind stopped working for a moment and began to repeat the phrase, “I know something. I know something.” over and over again. I was knocked speechless as the reality of this new and exciting fact made its way through my brain like a freight train and burrowed into my burgeoning self-esteem.
I wanted to mark this day on my calendar.
I had information someone else wanted. This was big. Real big. So big that one day I might find a way to parley this secret knowledge into a bid for global domination. I could cure cancer or end world hunger with the sheer might of my knowledge. I would be worshiped like a god. Llama’s and virgins would be sacrificed in my name at giant altars made of cranberry paste. My knowledge would raise me far above the ken of mortal men and…
“Hey Bub, are you going to answer me or just sit there staring into space and drooling?”
God, sometimes I really hate him.
“If you must know, she’s sitting over there in the corner with the rest of the VEHTS.”
“Where? All I see is a pile of cardboard boxes and cartons and crap. That reminds me, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the mess around here lately. Boxes and duct tape and people in and out at all hours. It’s getting on my nerves. You’d almost think we were moving or something…”
“Yes…”
“Wait a sec. Are we moving?”
“No. I am moving. You, you little bastard, are staying right here. I’ve decided that this place isn’t big enough for the three of us, so Miss ExBoxx and I are eloping to a new apartment together where we’ll spend countless hours in 5.1 surround sound and wide-screen enabled Halo bliss. I’ll be gone in a few weeks. Don’t forget to drop dead.”
The look of pure, sadistic joy on my face stopped him cold. I could see his tiny, crumb-infested mind working feverishly to come up with a retort that would end my unbridled happiness. He didn’t know it, but this time I was ready for him. I knew what he was thinking and I waited with baited breath for him to give me an opening.
“Well, what’s to stop me from just packing up my things and following you to your new home, Mr. Smartypants?”
“Oh, didn’t I mention that HoBiscuit would be there, too.”
“Oh. Crap.”
RAPTURE!
I had him! Finally, I would be free of this slovenly, slimy, disgusting, rude and obnoxious fiend. Never again to wake up to find my toothbrush covered in short, curly hairs. No more coming home only to find the locks had changed. Never again would I try to go to the bathroom only to find that the seat had been covered in saran wrap.
I was a free man.
“You know, HoBiscuit did mention something about that last time we were talking..”
“What? You talked to HoBiscuit? How? When?”
“Oh, we talk all the time. She needed someone to listen to her and she liked it when I badmouthed you.”
“Oh. My. God.”
“In fact, if I remember correctly, she said something about an ‘open invitation’ to come by anytime.”
“No.”
“She even said something about a second bedroom?”
“Oh god, no.”
“Yeah. Me and your woman. We’re tight.”
He gave me such a look of smug satisfaction that I didn’t even care that he heard the whimper of fear that escaped my lips. I was living in hell and no matter how hard I tried, this devil would never let me go. I was trapped and I wanted to die.
“Hey Bub. You should go change your pants. That’s the second time you’ve peed in them in the last hour and I haven’t even told you what she said about your personal hygiene yet. And don’t get me started on your sexual shortcomings!”