Author: GeekMan

Coming Soon…

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   4

The following is a message for the readers of themightygeek.com from SoD Don “Hogarth” Rumsfeld.

My fellow visitors. I have been asked by the GeekMan to hold this press conference to inform you of a grave matter of international security. It has come to our attention that an individual, known only under the alias of ‘Bread’, has managed to escape from his place of incarceration at Casa de Geek and is now at large amongst the general populace of the Internet. Due to his mean and petty disposition, he should be considered armed with a razor-sharp tongue and very dangerous.

Do not be alarmed.

It is our understanding that Bread is not the smartest of individuals and so will almost certainly attempt to create his own website. We don’t know how, we don’t know when and we don’t know where, but we must be ever vigilant in our… uh, vigilance. Damn, I’ve got to remember to fire my speechwriter.

Where was I? Oh yes, ‘ever vigilant’, right.

We must remain ever vigilant because if Bread does create his ‘bread-site’ then life, liberty, freedom and the very stability of the world as we know it could come crashing down around us. He is a vile and evil little monster and must be stopped by whatever means necessary. Even if that means covering him in honey and feeding him to specially trained attack pigeons.

Consider this a Code Lavender warning.

Due to his immense ego and annoying habit of inserting himself into any gathering or conversation, it is our expert opinion that he cannot last more than one week without being able to insult someone. Although it might take Bread longer to actually create his site, our experts seem to believe that he will make his move soon, for fear of missing an opportunity to cause GeekMan great emotional damage. And whenever he does make his move, that’s when we’ll pounce on him like rabid camel spiders.

And believe me, those suckers are damn quick.

I want to take a moment to assure the general public that we expect to have this villain in custody almost as quickly as we captured Mr. Bin Laden, so there is no need for panic. Stay indoors, visit this site on a regular basis for updates and whatever you do, should someone about the size and shape of a slice of white bread knock on your door and beg for Internet access, do not let them inside.

Even if they swear that they’re only a land shark.

The behind-the-scenes, super-top-secret, worldwide conglomerate of egomaniacal overlords thanks you for your time. Now, go about your daily lives as if you didn’t really believe we existed and perhaps we won’t audit you this year. And yes, I’m talking to you.

That is all.

Smile For The Nice Man

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   1

“Good morning!”

I opened my eyes, expecting to see Bread sitting on my chest, staring at me with an evil smile of impending doom, and instead saw nothing more threatening than the ceiling of my hotel room. Groggily, I looked around the room and, when I was certain that Bread was nowhere in sight, I attempted to smile.

And fell out of bed clutching my mouth in pain.

As I lay there on the industrially carpeted floor amongst all of the ancient food, dirt and other, less savory stains, I began ruminating about a great many things that had quite suddenly become very important to me. Things like life, death, the universe and whether the slight discoloration on the carpet next to my watering left eye was caused by someone’s spilled soda or sexual excrement. But what was most important to me at that moment, what was absolutely crucial to my very survival, was focusing every fiber of my being to the task of not moving my mouth.

“I said, ‘Good morning’!”

As I was now wide awake, I knew that the voice speaking to me with such a chipper and perky attitude could not possibly be Bread. Using deductive reasoning, sonar triangulation and a handy abacus that was, oddly enough, taped to the underside of the bed for just such an emergency, I came to the conclusion that whoever was speaking was doing so from inside my own mouth. I decided to attempt communication with the invader.

“Mmm?”

Even so small a movement of my mouth nearly caused me to black out.

“Hi there! My name’s Hank. Hank Cankersore. And I’ll be your relentless, stinging, shooting pain for the next several days. Isn’t that swell?”

“Mmmm? MMRRRGGGHHHH!”

To illustrate just how ‘swell’ he thought this announcement was, Hank had decided to rub up against one of my teeth, which suddenly felt about as smooth as crushed glass and sandpaper would on a hemorrhoid.

“Now, now. There’s no need to convulse with joy like that! I know you’re as thrilled and excited to have me as I am to be here, but let’s not forget that I’m going to be with you for quite a while, so there’s no need to cry. So you just get up off that floor and march into that bathroom, Mister. We’ve got some teeth to brush!”

As I slowly lifted myself off the floor and made my way to the bathroom, I realized that my entire day was shot to hell. I was supposed to be meeting with potential clients all day, but with my ability to charm them hampered by my complete inability to so much as breathe without gasping in pain and sucking air through my tightly clenched teeth, I figured I might as well suck on the barrel of a Smith & Wesson and call it a day.

Unfortunately, I had no gun.

Somehow, and I don’t know how, I made it through all the meetings and not one of the people I met with had any idea that the tears in my eyes were caused by anything other than allergies. Hank did keep me on my toes though, and there were one or two times that I nearly screamed as he got stuck to a tooth, or swelled up and snuck in between my teeth just as I was trying to bite down on a piece of food. But all in all, I kept my pain hidden from, and my smile on for, the clients.

Now that I’m home though, all I can say is, “Thank god for Anbesol.”

Money By The Pound

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   1

Attention GeekMan Shoppers.

Due to fortunate circumstances within my control, I have been forced to do actual work for an actual paycheck. This is fortunate because it means I can soon afford to eat something more than brown, moldy lettuce garnished with bathroom lint and spicy mustard.

Oh, yeah. Nothing says “delicious” like a bathroom lint sandwich.

Unfortunately for you, it means that I will not be doing my PhotoBloggery post for today. Instead, you’ll need to make do with this silly announcement and any jokes or humor I can manage to put into it in the next 2 minutes. And now, for your reading enjoyment, I present a haiku and a half;

Beautiful paycheck

Receive, deposit and spend

Lo! I’m poor again

Lovely computer

You never crash…

Damn.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

I’m really bored today.

So bored in fact, that I’ve decided to download and install AIM and invite all of you, my extended Internet family, to talk to me. Please understand that if people are mean or nasty to me, I’ll simply turn Bread loose on your sorry butt and then delete AIM and disappear back behind my veil of secrecy.

And then I’ll be petulant.

By the way, the answer to yesterdays pathetic attempt to garner comments was #7. I’ve also never had a cup of coffee and I don’t particularly like candy or sweets. Except for Funny Bones. They rock!

Mmmmm… Funny Bones…

*drool*

MightyBoredGeeK – Let the stupidity begin…

Fun With Memes

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   8

This is my own interpretation of a meme that was going around all the popular Blogs a while ago. Here are 9 things about me that aren’t true and one thing that is.

  1. I have webbed feet which, contrary to popular belief, does not increase my swimming speed.
  2. I am a natural blonde, but I painstakingly dye my own hair dark brown with some sprinkles of silver at 4am every morning to fool my friends and family.
  3. I have no nose hairs whatsoever.
  4. My favorite pastime is going to the petting zoo to feed the orangutan’s and ride the llamas.
  5. I maintain this website purely for my own enjoyment. The thoughts and opinions of my visitors are completely unimportant to me and have no influence at all on the content and/or regularity of the postings. So there.
  6. Although many people believe I am a man, I’m actually a highly intelligent, trained African Gray parrot named Binkey doing an elaborate, government sanctioned, super-secret experiment on the uses of Blogs in coercing the general public into buying more three-ring binders and college ruled paper. America’s economic superiority depends on my success.
  7. I have never had an alcoholic drink, taken an illegal drug or smoked a cigarette in my life. Makes me even scarier, huh?
  8. After subjecting myself to the poisonous bite of a radioactive spider I can say with authority that having radioactive blood will only lead to an extended stay at your neighborhood hospital’s Radiation Treatment Center, and not to super powers and the ability to ‘catch crooks just like flies.’
  9. Bread is a real person.
  10. Due to a traumatic, childhood experience, whenever I see corduroy pants I become very frightened and can do nothing other than point at the crotch of the person wearing them, cross my legs in agitated sympathy and softly whisper, “You’re going to buuuuurrrrnnnnn. Burn, burn, burn.”

So, which one do you think is true?

Screwing Up Google – Experiment #01

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   10

This is a little story about two siblings named Richard and Pamela.

Now, Dick and Pamela Anderson lived on a farm. The farm was called Linkin Park and it was owned by their mean aunt Anna Nichole Smith and her two even meaner daughters, Barbie and Nelly. Anna, Barbie and Nelly were very lazy and sat around all day smoking marijuana and playing Grand Theft Auto on their Playstation 2. The only thing those horrid women enjoyed more than smoking or playing games was ordering Dick and Pamela to do all the chores on the farm.

One day, as the two young teenagers were playing with their favorite pussy cat and dreaming of a better life, their mean aunt told them to clean out the horse stalls in the barn. As they walked to the barn where the horses, Dragonball and Morpheus, were busily eating hay, Pamela asked her brother who his favorite musical idol was.

“That’s easy! I really like Shakira. She makes me want to have hot monkey sex with her.”

“That’s disgusting!” Pamela said in revulsion. “Animal sex is sick and perverted. And anyway, I meant your favorite American Idol.”

“Oh. Well, that has to be Britney Spears. I loved her Las Vegas show on TV where she showed off her naked stomach and all those fake tattoos. And it helps that she’s hot, too.”

“Well, I don’t think she’s that pretty. In fact, I think I’m better looking than she is.”

“You are not! You’re so ugly that it looks like your face was hit with a baseball! Strike, you’re out!”

“Oh, come on! My face isn’t that ugly and you know it!”

“Oh yes it is. Big and ugly, like J-Lo’s naked butt, and I can prove it, too!”

With that, Dick began tickling his sister by poking her in the ribs. Of course, although she was laughing so hard she was nearly crying, Pamela certainly didn’t want to be poked in the ribs by her Big Brother 3 hundred times, so she tried to tell him to stop.

“Stop poking me, man!” She tried to say but, because she was so out of breath from laughing, it came out as, “Stop! Pokemon!”

When Dick had enough of tickling his sister, and Pamela had caught her breath, she asked him a question she had been wondering about for a long, long time.

“Dick, have you ever dreamed of running away?”

“Dream of it? Only every day. It’s like, my Final Fantasy, you know?”

“Well, why don’t we escape? You’ve been studying economics in Jr. High, right? We can take the horses and ride to the big city and become Stock Market wonder kids. We’d be rich!”

“KaZaA!” Dick exclaimed in excited wonderment, “That sounds great! I don’t know why I didn’t think of that myself. Let’s go, right now!”

With that, Pamela took Dick in hand and led him to the barn where they saddled up the horses, grabbed their favorite pussy cat and rode off together to make a name for themselves in Magical New York. Their horrible aunt and her daughters never discovered where the two youngsters had disappeared to, and lived the rest of their wretched lives in abject poverty as perverted crack whores giving away free sex in exchange for food.

The End.

PhotoBloggery 02
Love Letter From An Old Friend

• by GeekMan • In PhotoBloggery •   1

Twinkie The KidDearest GeekMan,

I don’t know how to talk to you anymore, it feels like we haven’t really communicated in a long, long time, so I’m writing you this letter in the hopes of getting through to you so we can give us another chance. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye lately, but I don’t want what we’ve had through the years to come to an end without at least trying to work things out between us. I miss you so much it hurts.

Don’t you love me anymore?

When we were together things seemed so good. Now that we’re apart, why does everything feel so bad? I was your comfort zone, your best friend and your moral support all rolled into one tasty, cream-filled, edible, golden phallic symbol. Without me, lunch back in the fourth grade was a disaster. You used to hold me and tell me how much you loved me, and you never cared who knew. You used to savor being with me, spending time with me, and when I wasn’t there you missed me with every fiber of your being until the moment we were together again.

Where has the love gone?

I miss you terribly GeekMan, and every moment we’re apart I feel like I’m expiring. I know that you’re trying to find something to replace that empty feeling deep inside you, that vacant space that I used to fill. But we both know that while they may treat you better, be healthier for you or impress your friends, those others will never be as good to you as I was. Give me another chance to make you feel good and I promise you won’t regret it.

Not like last time.

Give me just one more chance and I swear things will be different. I won’t call out to you before breakfast or try to tempt you after a workout ever again. And I swear, I’ll never again wake you up in the middle of the night and make you sit on the toilet for hours and hours calling out to the gods above to strike you down and end the pain. Please GeekMan, I miss you so much and I know, somewhere deep inside, you miss me too. Just give me this one chance to make it all up to you and I promise you won’t regret it.

Yours, now and forevermore,

Twinkie The Kid

PhotoBloggery. Take a picture. Write a story. Post the results.

Universal Punching Bag

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

This is not a good day.

It all began this morning when, at 8:45am, I was rudely awakened by the sounds of a lawnmower outside my bedroom window. This was quickly followed by loud and boisterous conversations held by the people doing the yard work in the back of my apartment building. This all wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that my backyard is a parking lot and the grass they were so diligently mowing was only eight feet square. Of course, when they were done mowing they had to break out the big, obnoxiously loud, hot air blower.

And the hedge trimmer. We must not forget the horrid hedge trimmer.

After numerous attempts to ignore the noise and recapture my quickly evaporating dream of decadent sexual fulfillment, I decided to get up and eat some breakfast. As I walked from my bedroom to the kitchen I somehow managed to stub my toe, knock my elbow right in the funny bone and then, as I was trying to rub both my elbow and my toe at the same time while walking to the kitchen, I hit my head on a doorknob.

Oh sure, it sounds funny now…

After cursing the door, myself and the world in general, I managed to make it to the kitchen without further incident. Once there, I decided to have some Frosted Flakes for breakfast and got a bowl from the cupboard and the milk out of the fridge. It was at this point that my world came crashing down around my ears as the universe pointed its immensely huge, yet somehow stubby, finger at me and laughed.

You see, I began pouring the milk into the bowl before putting in the cereal.

As any cereal connoisseur can attest, pouring milk into the bowl first is completely against the natural order of things. It’s like trying to put on your socks before putting on your underwear, it simply isn’t done in polite society. For some unfathomable reason however, I didn’t notice until I began pouring the cereal into the bowl and perhaps four flakes made it in and the rest spilled over onto the counter. It was at that point that I should have just cursed the heavens above, poured the whole mess down the toilet and gone back to bed until Saturday. But no, shrugging to myself in a martyr-like fashion I decided to sweep the cereal into the bowl, pushing the flakes down with the back of my spoon as necessary, and eat my breakfast. I know it was against the rules, and I knew I was defying nature, but I figured cereal is cereal and anyway, what’s the worst that could happen?

And so, now I’ve got a cut on my tongue.

The Reason Why I Have No Life

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

The time is 3:24am. The place, GeekMan’s living room. The only light is coming from the TV which is showing a vast, computer generated battleground. Two figures sit motionless in front of the TV except for their hands, which are furiously pounding on two Ex-Boxx controller pads.

[GeekMan dies as Bread’s Shotgun blows a hole in his chest]

“Dammit.”

“Hey Bub, aren’t you tired?”

“No way, Bread. You’re not getting away that easily.”

“What are you talking about, dorkface? We’ve been playing Halo for the last nine hours and I’m getting a little tired of kicking your behind. I just figured you might want to take a break. You know, for food, or sleep maybe.”

“I’m not tired. I want to keep playing until I win.”

“How are you going to win when I keep doing this?”

[GeekMan dies as Bread tags him with a grenade]

“Dammit!”

“Give it up, Nerdboy. You’re never going to win, I’m just too good for you. You haven’t even killed me yet.”

“I did too kill you! What about game 23 when I blew you up?”

“Blew me up?!? Get real, King Loser. I shot you with the rocket launcher and after you died I accidentally shot the rock I was standing behind. Suicide doesn’t count as a kill.”

“It does too count! And the only reason I’m not doing well is this stupid controller, ok? It keeps moving.”

“It’s supposed to do that you idiot. That’s why they call it a ‘Force Feedback’ controller. It vibrates when certain things happen in the game.”

“…”

“What?”

“Heh, I know a few girls who…”

“Shut up. You’re such a pathetic Geek you probably believe you’re the first person to think of that.”

“Well, maybe I am! Did you think of that, Mr. Smartypants?”

“Nope. Are you sure you’re not hungry?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re about to eat a rocket.”

[GeekMan is blown up by Bread’s rocket launcher]

“Dammit!”

“Tell me something, Bub. Is losing hard? Because you make it look so easy.”

“Keep laughing, you bastard. Just you wait till I re-spawn.”

“That’s what, 416 kills for me and a big, tasty donut hole for you? Don’t you want to call it quits?”

“It’s just not fair! I’ve only got the stupid Needler and you found a rocket launcher. The Needler sucks!”

“That’s good, because you suck, too.”

“That’s not funny. I know! How about in the next game you get the plasma pistol and I get the rocket launcher?”

“Good lord, you really are the worst loser in the history of gaming.”

“Just because you’ve played the game more than me doesn’t mean I’m a loser! I know I can beat you, I just need some time to practice.”

“Practice? Practice?!? I’m a piece of bread you moron! I don’t even have thumbs!”

“Well maybe that’s why you’re winning. I’ve heard that having no thumbs is an advantage in Halo. All the real pro’s break their thumbs off just to have an edge during competition.”

[uncomfortable silence]

“You don’t honestly expect me to believe that, do you?”

“How else would you explain it then? I’m losing a video game to my imaginary friend!”

“I am not your friend! You take that back!”

“Imaginary antagonist then! Does that make you feel better you big, ugly, stupid poopyface?”

“No. But this will.”

[GeekMan is shot in the head by Bread’s Sniper Rifle]

“DAMMIT!”

And Now For Something Completely Different

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

A while ago I joined a project called the Naked Novel. Today, I posted my chapter (#7) of the ongoing story for all the world to read. You can read it, and all the previous chapters here, but be warned. This story is definitely not funny and might not be appropriate for anyone under the age of ‘Mature’.

Read it at your own risk.