Author: GeekMan

Your Honor, I Can Explain

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Poetry, Rants •   2

The life of a Geek is never normal.

Let me give you an example. Saturday night a whole bunch of friends came over to visit HoBiscuit and I in our new apartment for the very first time. We had food and drink and a massive X-Box Halo bloodfest. By the end of the night there was a whole lot of garbage that needed to be disposed of, including the battered and bloody egos of some of my friends when Bread showed up unannounced and trashed us all using only the wimpy Needler. It wasn’t until everyone had left that I remembered garbage collection day was not until Tuesday night! That meant I would have to hold on to the three large & smelly bags of trash for three whole days before I could throw them away.

This was absolutely unacceptable to the dainty and cleanly HoBiscuit.

In a fit of devilishly clever brilliance my sweet woman not only devised a method of throwing out the trash on our non-trash day, but also figured out how to do it without getting her own hands dirty in the process.

“Honey?”
“Yes, my sweet HoBiscuit?”
“Are you going to bed now?”
“Well, seeing as how I’m in my pajamas in our completely dark bedroom and lying next to you in our soft & warm bed, I would think the answer is obvious.”
“Aren’t you afraid that the garbage will attract bugs?”
“There’s not much I can do about it right now, sweetie. It’s not our garbage night.”
“…”
“…”
“Honey?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Are you the Man?”
“…”
“Well?”
“I’m wondering if my answer will improve my chances of getting lucky tonight.”
“That all depends on your answer.”
“I see.”
“So, are you the Man?”
“With the understanding that I know I’m digging a hole for myself, even if I don’t know exactly how yet, I have to say ‘yes’. I am the Man. Why?”
“Because real men take out the garbage.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen of the court, explains why I was wandering the streets at four AM on a Sunday morning in the rain, wearing nothing but my pajamas, holding three giant-sized, black trash bags and cursing my ‘Ho’. Now, if it will please the court, I would like to take a moment to pound these shards of broken glass into my own gonads using a rubber mallet while chanting “I Am Not The Man” to the tune of the Lumberjack Song.

I am not the Man
And that’s OK
I treat her right
Till I go insane…

An Open Letter To USPS

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

Dear USPS Person,

I am writing you this note in the hopes of clarifying a couple of confounding conundrums that have cropped up ever since your delivery of Big Ugly Brown Box A, or BUBBA, at my address. Now, while I’m completely satisfied with the speed at which BUBBA appeared at my door, and everything contained within BUBBA appears to be working properly, I am a little confused about the package itself. You see, my goods were originally shipped in a Small Nice Off-White Package, or SNOW P for short.

Perhaps you can now see my confusion.

SNOW P was shipped on Monday morning, with my very expensive electronic home theater component safely and snugly packaged within. Plenty of Styrofoam, bubble-wrap and other anti-damage precautions were used to make sure said audio component would arrive at my door in one piece and without harm. I know this because the component was shipped to me in the manufacturers original box and they pride themselves in their attention to shipping procedure for their products.

Yet, it was BUBBA that arrived at my door Tuesday evening. Hmmmm.

I can only conclude that, sometime between getting picked up and being dropped off, something tragic happened to SNOW P. Perhaps, on your way to your usual delivery route, you were abducted by aliens and subjected to weird, sexual experiments and were able to escape only after discovering the aliens’ inherent fear of white cardboard. Or, maybe you were caught in a freak llama stampede in Queens and, recalling a story you read in National Geographic while sitting on the toilet, knew that the only way to survive was to use a white cardboard box as a shield to ward off the angry llamas.

You know, Captain America style.

In any case, SNOW P disappeared and BUBBA rose up to take its place. I’m not disparaging BUBBA, because I’m sure that BUBBA is a fine cardboard box, but it does puzzle me that BUBBA is so amazingly large. In comparison to SNOW P, BUBBA is frickin huge! To put this into perspective, BUBBA looks to be able to accommodate an item roughly the size of a 42” TV, while SNOW P was roughly the size of a DVD player.

Double Hmmmm.

Now, all of this would have been fine if it weren’t for one other teensy, tiny problem with BUBBA. You must understand that the audio component contained within SNOW P was very expensive and fragile, which would explain its unusually high level of anti-damage packaging. One would think that if SNOW P had somehow become damaged beyond repair in transit, that upon seeing the amount of precautionary packaging around said audio component, whoever it was that repackaged it within BUBBA would have taken great care to keep it safe from harm.

But alas, this was not to be.

Contained within BUBBA were some connection wires, the user manual and my very expensive audio component. That’s all. No bubble-wrap, or Styrofoam, or any anti-damage precautions besides air pressure and prayer. The simple fact that my component works at all is a testament to the manufacturers build quality and not to BUBBA’s usefulness as a protective measure.

In essence, BUBBA sucks.

In light of all of the above, I would like to make a suggestion for you should you ever need to re-pack something else in the future. Feel free to share this bit of wisdom with your fellow delivery people and, in fact, with any and all people you might ever come into contact with who are sending a package through the mail.

There’s no such thing as too much Styrofoam and/or bubble-wrap.

Now, lest you believe this is the end of this, let me assure you that the manufacturer and I are going to be lodging formal complaints with the USPS. And, just in case you decided to skip the rest of this letter and only read the last paragraph or two, let me sum up this letter in 25 words or less, just for you.

Use your frickin brains, Jackhole. It says ‘fragile’ right on the frickin box, you frickin stupid frick.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
GeekMan

Blog Star

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   16

Blatent parody of All Star by Smash Mouth.

Somebody once told me
The world would never know me
I ain’t the sharpest wit on the web
She was looking kinda smug
With my hit count in a slump
When the light came back on in my forehead

Well, the words start coming and they don’t stop coming
Post to the world and I keep the post funny
Didn’t make sense not to write for fun
Your crap gets laughs but your best gets none
So what’s with you?
So what’s to say?
So what’s wrong with talking to pastry?
You’ll never know if you don’t toast
You’ll never shine if you don’t post

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your Web Log
Web Page
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Hope this stupid song breaks the mold

It’s a dumb site and they say it’s not funny
You think it’s bad now? wait till I get money
But the Mighty Geek site begs to differ
Judging by the lack of some Mighty Fan pictures
The rhymes I make are getting pretty thin
The llama’s gonna swarm and I like to play Sims
My word’s are fine, how about yours?
That’s the way I like it so I’ll never get bored

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your camera
Web date
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Only funny guys get the girls

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Got your Web Log?
FrontPage
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Only looting songs

Somebody once asked
Could I be a psychopath?
I need to get myself committed today
I said heck, what a concept
I could post about my mental health
And we could all laugh another day

Well, the words start coming and they don’t stop coming
Post to the world and I keep the post funny
Didn’t make sense not to write for fun
Your crap gets laughs but your best gets none
So what’s with you?
So what’s to say?
So what’s wrong with talking to pastry?
You’ll never know if you don’t toast
You’ll never shine if you don’t post

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your dream job
L.A.
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Only shooting stars drop a load
All that traffic is gold
Hope this stupid song breaks the mold

Where’s GeekMan?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Look! A weekend post!

Some of you out there in GeekLand may have noticed that my posting schedule has become a little… erratic, lately. Now, before anyone starts calling the FBI or making “Have You Seen This Geek” posters, let me assure you that I have not been abducted by aliens for use in weird and painful, yet strangely erotic, sexual experiments or anything. I learned my lesson the last time and I promise that I’ll never go walking into a crop circle wearing a silver jumpsuit with blinking lights and a big “Please Take Me Before She Finds Out What I Did!” sign.

Funny thing, they looked like llama’s with monkey hands…

Anywaste, you see, due to a recent flood of freelance work, I’ve been traveling so much and working so late that I had to postpone my cable installation until the end of the month. Since all we have is one phone line at home and I need to leave it clear during the day for work, and HoBiscuit uses it at night to call family, I don’t get to post until sometime around midnight.

And lately I’ve been a wee bit tired at right about the same time.

So, in essence, this is an apology from me to you. I know that most of you read this site out of pity and couldn’t care less if I were to post or not, but still, I feel like I’ve let you down. Starting November 4th I’ll be back to my regular posting schedule of five times a week. In the meantime, I’ll be posting here as often as I can next week, but no less than three times. That’s one more than two for you math majors out there. Now, while it’s true that four posts are possible, five is unlikely and six, well, six is right out.

And let’s just say I wouldn’t be holding my breath for seven if I were you.

What Could Have Been

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   1

I thought it would be funny.

I spent a few hours doing the necessary research, finding all the correct names, places and faces for the gag. Got everything I needed together into a folder on my computer and started writing. As usual, I was giggling as I wrote, ignoring the ‘tsk, tsk, tsk’ sounds coming from the nice men in white coats as they observed me through the one way mirror on the wall.

I couldn’t actually see them, but I knew they were there just the same.

A little after noon today, as I was getting ready to entertain the white-coats by screaming at my left eyelid to stop blinking out of sync with my right, I happened to click over to CNN and read the news.

The suspected snipers are in custody. Damn.

Well, not damn, because it’s actually a good thing that they caught them. But damn for me because by catching these idiots they have inadvertently destroyed today’s post. You see, I was going to write a whole ‘Dear Police Chief Charles Moose’ letter explaining who the snipers were and why they were doing it. I had formed a conspiracy theory involving George T. Shaheen and Julie Wainwright, the CEOs of Webvan and Pets.com respectively, and one very angry sock puppet. They were on a mission of righteous redemption, needing to prove once and for all that their failed dot coms would work if people were given the right incentive to stay home and have their food and pet supplies delivered to them.

No, no. Think about it.

Who had white vans to spare? Who would want people to stay home and have their food delivered? Who’s got nothing but time? Who’s angry at the world in general?

Sock puppets and CEOs, that’s who.

I still think it would have been funny, but that’s all over now. They caught the real people, so my pathetic attempt at humor will have to be put into the attic and mothballed for now. One day though, when it’s aged to perfection like a fine wine, my Sock Puppet Sniper story will resurface to take the humor Blogs, and thus the world, by storm.

Look out George and Julie, I’m watching you. Like a hawk.

Blog Lib (Blogging Quick Form)

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   8

This (hyperlink) really makes me (emotion).

I was on my way to (destination) when I heard about the (major news item). And I was like, (exclamation)! This is so (curse ending in -ing) (adjective)! When I got to (destination) my friend (name) and I talked about it and we decided that it was (adjective) and not worth thinking about anymore.

So we decided to go (action ending with –ing) instead.

On to more exciting news. Remember when I said I wanted a(n) (animal) for a pet? Well, I finally bought one and (gender pronoun) is so cute! I mean, last night wasn’t so good because (gender pronoun) kept making strange noises, so we went to the (profession) who said it was probably (horrible medical affliction).

Just thinking about it makes me so (emotion)?

I just couldn’t let the (adjective) thing suffer, so on the way home I stopped at the store and picked up some (drug) for (gender pronoun). And would you believe that one bottle cost me (monetary amount)? I almost didn’t pay, but then my little (cute pet name) sneezed and I just couldn’t resist. So I bought the (drug) and went home with little (cute pet name) sneezing the whole way.

And today everything’s better!

Oh, and if anyone’s wondering, the new (singer or band name) CD is (adjective)! I’ve spent the last (time interval) listening to this CD and I can honestly say that it sounds (adjective)!

(number) stars.

Well, it’s almost time to (activity). Tonight I have that blind date, so I’ll tell everyone about it tomorrow. I just hope my (medical affliction) or (psychological condition) doesn’t draw attention away from my (adverb) (adjective) (body part).

Don’t worry, I promise to tell you all about it tomorrow.

My Kind Of News

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments •   3

We interrupt your regularly scheduled playtime for this PlayGround News Break…

“Good morning, I’m Johnny Livingston.”

“And I’m Suzie Kanion with today’s top playground stories. Today’s biggest story, was Mr. Gratzianni’s spelling test F-A-I-R?”

“That’s the question on everybody’s mind, Suzie. According to one source, this was “the most hardest test in the whole world.” Janie Lee, the undisputed champion of 4th grade spelling, is quoted as saying, “I can’t believe he wanted me to spell puissant! Isn’t that gross? I mean, I was fine with ‘cursory’ and even spelled ‘flagitious’ when he asked me to, but spelling a word as bad sounding as puissant was going too far! I’m telling my mom and he’s going to get fired for sure!”

“Despite repeated inquiries, PG News has not received any information regarding Mr. Gratzianni’s current teaching status.”

“Sounds like someone forgot to S-T-U-D-Y, huh Johnny?”

“Give it up already, Suzie. Janie beat you in the spelling bee last year fair and square. No need to be so mean.”

“You’re only saying that ’cause you like her.”

“Do not!”

“Do too!”

“Nyaa!”

“Nyaa!”

“Fine! Let’s just get back to the news, ok?”

“Fine. It’s your turn, poopyface.”

“Brat. Ahem. Today we have a PG News health exclusive. How you can protect yourself from the cafeteria’s recent outbreak of cooties today, and for years to come. But first, let’s get a weather and traffic report from our eye in the sky at the top of the jungle gym, Pete Vander. Petey?”

“Thanks, Johnny. Looking out over the playground, I can see nothing but sun for as far as the eye can see. The temperature is warm with a chance of hot, so hold on to your milk money. You’re going to need it.”

“Checking traffic now, I see that there’s a ten to fifteen minute delay on the slide, at least 10 minutes on the merry-go-round, but only a five to ten minute wait for the see-saw. There’s a rubbernecking delay by the tire swings where Brian and Betty are trying to kiss, so your best bet for fun right now is to head to the basketball courts and play Yu-Gi-Oh with the Geeks.”

“That’s all for now. Remember to check back for traffic and weather every school day at this time. I’m your eye in the sky, Pete Vander, now back to the studio with John and Sue. John?”

“Thanks Pete, perfect as always.”

“He’s such a cutey!”

“And you’re stupid!”

“I’m smarter than you are, Ugly Nose!”

“Are not, Four Eyes!”

“Which one of us passed the math test, huh Dummy?”

“That’s not fair! I haven’t learned fractions yet!

“Excuses, excuses. You’re just jealous, cause I’m so smart.”

“That’s it! I can’t work with this bratty girl anymore! I quit! I’m going home!”

“Baby, baby. Stick your head in gravy!”

“I’m not a baby!”

And now, a word from our sponsor.

“Do you have cooties, or know someone who does? Well, we here at Stan’s Cootie Shots Incorporated have the ONLY scientifically proven cure for cooties in the whole, wide world.”

“Hi. My name is Stan Silverberg and I may not be a doctor, but my father is. And thanks to my father’s extensive medical knowledge, and a whole lot of money, I now have the world’s only official cootie cure available to you through this exclusive PG News offer. That’s right, the famous Circle-Circle, Dot-Dot Shot is now available to you for four easy payments of 25¢! Isn’t your continued health worth the paltry payment of one dollar? We hear at SCS Incorporated think it is, so come to our offices located at lunch table next to the out-of-order boys’ bathroom and get yours today!”

“The Official Cootie shot. Don’t leave the lunchroom without it!”

Please Don’t Breed

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

It’s a very weird world I live in.

This morning, as I sat on the train going to work, a young woman got on the train and sat down beside me. Now, when I say ‘got on the train’, what I really mean is she ran onto the train as if undead, machete wielding, psychotic killer dwarfs in clown suits were chasing her.

Dwarfs? Dwarves? Dwarf’s?

Anywaste, she sat down next to me and began rummaging through her shoulder bag as if her very life depended on it. At this point I became a little alarmed. I mean, in these crazy times who’s to say that the seemingly well adjusted, but frantic, woman beside you on the train isn’t some crazed lunatic who’s declared a personal jihad against all the dead-sexy Geeks in New York?

Hey, it could happen.

Lucky for her, she quickly found what she was looking for and tore it out from her bag before I had to use my mad kung-fu skilz and get all Jackie Chan on her face. Yeah, that’s right, boy-ee. What I was doing is called ‘Gathering The Battle Chi’. Not ‘Screaming Like A Baby-Girl And Cowering Under The Seat’.

Beelie’dat, yo.

So, what do you think was so important to her that it was worth getting into such a heightened state of panic over? Was she looking for a cell phone to report a crime? Had the bottle of corrosive acid she was carrying broken, spilling its contents all over some highly valuable manuscripts? Was she part of some crazy cult and had to give all of her wonderful electronic toys to the first person she sat next to on the train, starting with that fabulous Sony Clie? No! She just really, really, REALLY needed her journal.

Well, knock me over with a feather.

So, she whips out this journal and opens it to an empty page and starts writing, whispering to herself the entire time. As you can guess by now, my curiosity was piqued and I really wanted to know what was so compelling to her at seven in the frickin morning that she just hadto write it down. Since she was sitting next to me and I just happened to be reading a copy of PC Magazine, I slyly shifted myself around and took a peek at what she was writing. I didn’t read the whole thing, it was already almost a page long, but here’s what I remember.

“I can’t believe I just bought pot from a homeless man! Am I a pothead? I don’t know, but I already smoked two and I haven’t gone to work yet. They tasted funny. Now I don’t feel relaxed at all. It seems like everyone is looking at me funny. Watching me. Did I dress funny today, or something? It’s creepy. Everyone…”

Remember people, just say no to drugs. Especially when they’re from the homeless.

Stupid, stupid girl.

I Can’t Stop Smiling

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Rants •   8

Sweet joy.

My new computer, christened ‘GunBuster’ this morning, is a fully functional thing of beauty. She’s got all 512 MB of RAM that I ordered, too. I can’t begin to explain to you how thrilling it is to turn on my computer and not need to bring a book to read while it boots up. I’m serious. I used to read a chapter each time my old computer crashed and if I needed to reconfigure something I made sure to have War and Peace handy.

Unabridged.

The only thing that gives me the willies is that due to work requirements, I had to get WinXP installed. WinXP looks ok, I guess, and everything works pretty well so far, but I hate the fact that this little balloon keeps popping up telling me I’ve only got 25 days left to ‘Activate’ my copy of WinXP. Apparently, I can do this by contacting Micro$oft and giving them full access to my computer and all of its files.

Wait, another balloon just popped up…

This one says that since I’m such a Geek, in addition to the regular electronic, internet based product activation, I also need to send a self addressed stamped envelope to Micro$soft with the following materials; my name, address, phone number, age, stool sample, DNA sample, penis size, drivers license, social security number, sexual preference, mothers maiden name, all of my credit card numbers, deed to my home or signed apartment lease, my first born child/favorite pet/sexual partner, and a signed contract stating that I have never and will never install Linux on any computer I ever purchase under penalty of death.

I must also purchase a solid gold Bill Gates idol and spend 3 hours a day licking his golden anus.

Micro$soft is quick to assure me that all of this is necessary for the stability and well being of my computer. They are only trying to protect me and others like me from unscrupulous hackers who are out to pirate Micro$oft software, and thus my personal files, in an all out effort to take over the world. Micro$oft is confident that only criminals or little mice with genius IQ’s would ever try to pirate software for such nefarious reasons, and so they know I’ll be a good consumer and do whatever they tell me to do. No matter how outlandish, invasive or downright stupid it may seem at the time.

Well, that sounds perfectly legal to me.

GunBuster!Anywaste, tonight I’m going to sit in front of GunBuster and simply bask in the glow of its (haven’t decided if it’s a girl or a boy, yet.) extra-bright, blinking, blue LED power indicators. Then I think I’ll go to bed and dream of having enough money to buy the PhotoShop and Macromedia upgrades that I so desperately want. And, just so you’ll understand how much of a loser I am, I’ve actually taken a picture of GunBuster so all of you can become properly jealous of my awesome, L337 ©0mpµ73®.

I’m such a pathetic Geek, aren’t I?

Anybody Have A Stain Remover Handy?

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life •   4

My new computer is here.

I’m so excited that I think I may need some Oxy-Clean to remove a new stain from the front of my pants. This computer looks so cool it’s like an ice sculpture. In fact, it almost looks too cool for me. But of course, we all know that’s impossible, since I’m the coolest thing since beef jerky.

Yeah, I’m all that and a side of sweet plantains.

The best part so far is that even though I didn’t order the cut-out window, firewire sockets or matching silver faceplates for the CD and DVD drives, they gave it to me. For free. The only thing is, now that it looks so good, I might need to go out and actually pay for an internal, sound activated neon light.

You know, because I’ve got the cool, cut-out window and all…

But there may be a problem with the computer. The packing slip says that there’s only 256 MBs of PC3200 RAM, but I ordered 512. Once I get this baby hooked up and everything I’ll check and make sure, but if it’s only got 256 I’ll need to call them and get them to send me the other 256. But I’m afraid that if I do call them, they’ll realize that they sent me a computer with a whole bunch of extra stuff I was supposed to pay for, and didn’t. Then they’ll send the Computer Geek Police to my house to take away my beautiful new toy.

And then I’d go to jail for murder.

HoBiscuit is resigned to the fact that she has lost me for the next few days as I play with my new toy. Setting it up and installing software won’t take so long, but I might need to spend a while just regaling in the fact that I don’t need to make myself a cup of hot chocolate between starting PhotoShop and being able to actually use it. Oh yeah, and the cable modem should be arriving on Thursday.

Oh god. I think I just stained my pants again…