Author: GeekMan

We Interrupt This Silence For An Unimportant Update

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   2

Hola!

I’m back in the States after a very tiring seven days in Barcelona. In fact, at one point I managed to get only 3 hours of sleep in a 72 hour period. I was so tired I actually began giggling uncontrollably at the thought of llamas in pajamas breakdancing to old Hall & Oats tunes.

Don’t ask.

So, since I was so busy working, I only got to sightsee for 6 hours on Tuesday afternoon. I went to see Gaudi’s famous unfinished cathedral Sagrada Familia. The place was breathtakingly beautiful and I wish I could put up some pictures right now, but my poor camera died on me as I was wandering around inside the cathedral. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to climb to the top of the towers and take a picture of myself peeing off the side, but at the time it sounded like a really great idea. I guess the cathedral didn’t agree and used its mystical powers to cause my camera to break just as I was about to snap a picture of my personal, little, yellow rainbow.

Hey, I am the spawn of Satan, after all.

After I was given the requisite beating by the security guards and forcibly removed from the premises, I dusted myself off and headed back to the hotel to pack and eat dinner. It was then that I realized that most of my pictures were blurry beyond repair because of a malfunctioning zoom/focus mechanism within my camera. This morning I called Sony and was informed that it would cost me more than the cost of a new camera to get this one fixed.

Can anyone say, ‘GeekMan’s getting a new camera!’?

I’ll try to post some of these pictures later today, before I leave, but if I don’t get around to it don’t be angry with me. I’m very busy trying to do laundry, organize bills, make phone calls to clients and pack to spare time for editing photos right now.

Hey, something’s got to give, and photos of Barcelona might be the very thing that does.

Well, I’m off to Orlando, Florida today where I expect to be mentally and emotionally drawn and quartered by my workload. However, if you happen to live near Orlando and wish to Greet the Meat, er… Meet the Geek, then you should email me ASAP. I’m hoping to meet some fellow Bloggers while I’m there on Friday night and I’ll check my email tonight and tomorrow afternoon for anyone else who’s interested in meeting the man behind the Geek.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled silence…

A Few Words From Some Unsuspecting Participants

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   5

Overheard conversations on my trip so far.

Woman: “I don’t care what you think, you have to do it.”
BoyChild: “But why?”
Woman: “Because. That’s why.”
BoyChild: “But I’ve been practicing mom! I’m getting real good, you know. I hardly miss anymore.”
Woman [exasperated]: “I know, honey. But no matter how much you practice, you’ll still have to lift the toilet seat before peeing.”
BoyChild [petulant]: “Every time?”
Woman: “Yes, dear. Every time.”

Work Associate: “The exit we get off at is ‘Exit 5, Purdy, Somers’”
GeekMan: “Come again?”
Work Associate: “Exit 5. Purdy, Somers.”
GeekMan: *snicker*
Work Associate: “What?”
GeekMan: “That is such a porn star name.”
Work Associate: “Oh. I don’t… OH!”
GeekMan: *snicker*
Work Associate: *snicker*
Both: Bawchicka-chicka bowbowwww…
[much giggling ensues]

Man 1: “You do what?”
Man 2: “I take Flax-Ease.”
Man 3: *snicker*
Man 2: “Don’t laugh, it helps me stay regular. Works like a charm, too.”
Man 1: “Right. So, do you have to do a handstand every morning or something?”
Man 2: “Ha-frickin-ha. It’s in pill form. I take it like an aspirin.”
Man 3: “Oh! For a minute there, I thought you were going to tell us it came in a metal can and you used one of them old oil can spout things and then sat on it.”
Man 2: “That’s not funny. Let me tell you guys something, when I die in a hundred years my colon’s gonna be in a frickin museum as an example of a perfectly healthy colon. I’ll be known as the guy with the healthiest colon in history. I’ll be Flax-ease’s Frickin mascot!”
Man 3: “You’re going to be the ‘FlaxMan’?”
Man 1 [laughing so hard he can hardly speak]: “FlaxMan! Hahahaha! Form of ‘Flax-Ease! Shape of ‘Oil Can Spout!’”
Man 3 [between gasps for air]: “Have no fear, citizens! I, FlaxMan, will use my super sphincter to save the day!”
Man 1 [crying]: “Quickly Number 2! To the Poopmobile!”
Man 1 & 3 collapse to the floor, unable to breathe from laughing so hard.
Man 2: “See? See?!? This is why I never tell you guys anything.”

Traveling Prayer

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   8

The Mighty Geek is traveling again.

Beginning January 5th and ending February 27th GeekMan will be traveling the globe for work. This is both good news and bad news. Good news, because it means that GeekMan will be earning money once again and will soon be able to regal you with new stories of his trivial travel travails and the mightily moronic mediocrity of modern man. Bad news because it also means that updates will be very scarce while GeekMan’s away.

But to some, that is also good news.

Where is GeekMan going, you ask? To foreign lands, I answer with pomposity. GeekMan will be traveling to such wondrous and exotic locals as Barcelona, Shanghai and even Orlando. There is talk of Canada, California and even the fair shores of Hawaii in his future. GeekMan is rather proud to say that GeekMan is going to all of these places for work, and thus will not be paying a frickin dime other than on the purchase of food or gifts for loved ones.

In case you’re wondering, you are not a ‘loved one’ and will receive no gifts. Yes, I’m talking to you.

GeekMan knows how wondrous and exciting this whole itinerary may sound to the uninitiated, but trust us when we tell you that GeekMan is not the least bit excited. For GeekMan knows in his tiny, cold, black and stone-hard heart that GeekMan will most likely see nothing more than the airport and his hotel room while in any of the various cities he may find himself. Unlike normal people, when GeekMan is working GeekMan gets no days off, no hour long lunch breaks and no weekends to do touristy things.

GeekMan doesn’t even get bathroom breaks.

GeekMan knows that he’ll be working 18 to 20 hour days and wishing for nothing more than a quick nap or a sharp object with which to slit his wrists by the end of the day. GeekMan will have no time for viewing the city, shopping or taking in the sights.

Pity the GeekMan, he is a slave.

To recap, GeekMan will be traveling the globe for the next two months. During this time updates to GeekMan’s site will be slow, short and possible few and far between. Hopefully, they will still be funny enough to keep your interest. In the meantime, there is only one thing left to say…

I’m going to China and Spain! WAAAA-HOOOOO!!!

Am I Funny Yet?

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   6

It’s flashback time!

That’s right, I’m starting off the new year by proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’ve got no talent left in me. Instead of being original and writing something new and funny for you, I’ve decided to do the easy thing and just link to a bunch of posts I made throughout the last year in the hopes somebody would care enough to actually click the links and read my words.

I even dare to dream that someone might find them funny.

So if you’re into self torture and want to know which posts I thought were my best last year, start clicking those links. But if you’re smart, you’ll have already concluded that I’m just an idiot and unplugged your computer, tossed it into the fire and then scattered the ashes to the four winds for having the audacity to bring you here in the first place.

Consider yourself warned.

Resolutions ‘R’ Us

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

It’s New Years Eve, are you prepared?

Have you been wasting your last few precious days of 2002 doing non-productive things like working, sleeping or eating? Do you now find yourself frantically searching for an original New Years resolution to announce to your friends and family? Are you afraid that your resolutions for this year will be just as unattainable for you as they were last year? Do you need a more practical list of resolutions? A list of things that you just know you can accomplish without fear, anxiety, self-doubt or guilt?

If you answered yes to any one of those questions, then Resolution Revolution can help you!

We at Resolution Revolution believe in a stress-free New Years celebration. We help all of our clients create a list of New Years resolutions that are not only practical, but perfect for a completely stress-free year!

Guaranteed!

We sit down with every client who walks in our door and custom design each list to fit their individual needs. Feeling lonely? We’ll help you resolve to be a lonely, unwanted, pathetic loser in the coming year! Money problems? No problem! We’ll work with you to help you with your practical resolution to become a welfare-loving, worthless mooch. Want to lose weight? Our experts can help you with your resolution to carry fewer bags and wear lighter clothes.

Just take a look at the New Years list we created for the internets most loveable loser, The Mighty Geek himself.

  • Buy something electronic
  • Refer to yourself in the third person for 24 consecutive hours. Example; “GeekMan is hungry. GeekMan want food.”
  • Watch TV
  • Play X-Box
  • Breathe
  • Find out what the scientific name is of the white, crusty stuff that forms on the sides of your mouth when you’re very thirsty. If there is no name, create one and copyright it.
  • Age
  • Eat at least one food item that does not contain yellow food dye #5
  • Never watch the third Star Wars movie
  • Use the word ‘Floccinaucinihilipilification’ in a sentence
  • Stop inspecting each and every piece of my body that I rip, pick, peel, tear, cut or pull from myself, especially when said piece comes from nose, mouth or ear
  • Sleep
  • Find out what people really mean when they say, “Have a good one!”
  • Write something that someone other than yourself thinks is funny

Remember, Resolution Revolution can help you make all your resolutions attainable, but we can’t do it unless you comment here first! And if you comment now, we’ll throw in a personalized insult and a bucketful of derisive remarks about your probable lineage absolutely free! That’s right; they’re yours to keep as our free gift to you just for commenting. So what are you waiting for? Comment now!

Resolution Revolution the only way to have a guilt- and worry-free New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone. See you in 2003.

Meeting Boris

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   6

December 26th was a morning like any other.

I woke up with the expected bleary eyes and rancid breath of one who had spent far too many hours the night before playing Morrowind and eating Funny Bones. After greeting the morning with my usual “Argh! The light enrages me.” I slithered from my side of the bed and made my way to the bathroom to relieve the insistent pressure of 8 hours worth of liquid refuse buildup. After milking my loins dry I proceeded to the sink to wash my hands and possibly brush my teeth.

“Salutations!”
“Huh?”
“Good morning!”
“Who said that?”
“Me!”
“Who that say ‘me’?”
“Me say ‘me’!”
“Who that say ‘me say me’?”
“Me! Boris!”
“Who the hell is Boris?”
“Me! Right here! Hello! Good morning!”

Looking into the mirror I finally caught a glimpse of the owner of the terminally chipper voice and felt my soul shrivel up and die inside me. For there, right before me in the bathroom mirror, was the one thing that no man wishes to see in his lifetime. The one thing that will prove to him beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is old, OLD, OLD and should simply be put out to pasture in sympathy, or given a quick and painless mercy death by his closest kin.

I had a nose hair.

Not your everyday garden variety nose hair, either. No, that would be far too ‘normal’ for one such as me. What I had wasn’t so much a nose hair as it was the probing tentacle of some giant nostril squid searching for prey upon the open fields of my upper lip. It stuck out a good quarter inch from my nose and vibrated happily with every breath I took.

I swear to you, it looked frickin happy.

But the worst part wasn’t that it was so happy, so thrilled to have seen the light of day. The worst part was that it was there at all. I mean, when I went to sleep the night before I had no idea that I would wake up with a mutant hair sprouting forth from my nose like a miniature tendril of shame. It grew there overnight and somehow managed to grow longer and faster than any hair I’ve ever heard tell of before. And so now, there it sat. Torturing me with its blatant disregard for my mental and emotional well being and knowing full well that it would take years of expensive therapy for me to recover from the psychological effects of its appearance in my life.

Well, one thing was certain. The little bastard had to go, and go now.

Grabbing my handy-dandy tweezers from the ‘In Case of Emergency – Break Glass’ box next to the medicine cabinet, I clasped the bastard by his tiny, pointed head, grimaced in anticipation and gave the offending hair a mighty yank.

And fell, screaming in pain, to the bathroom floor.

I had not realized that such a small thing could cause such a great amount of pain. Apparently, the teensy-tiny hair had its roots located somewhere deep within my frontal lobe and my attempt to remove it from my nose had started a chain reaction of pain so intense that fireworks went off behind my eyes and black spots appeared in my vision. Looking at the tweezers in my hand I realized with a start that there was no hair held between the two tiny clamps. Somehow, the evil hair had managed to retain its grip and still protruded prominently from my nose.

And he was humming.

With teary eyes and a faint whimper, I once again raised the tweezers and prepared myself for pain.

“Hey! That’s not very neighborly of you! What ever happened to a home baked pie and a hearty, ‘Welcome to the neighborhood’?”
“Shut up hair. You’re a blight upon my very existence and I will purge you from my being if it’s the last thing I ever do.”
“You know, that’s really going to hurt.”
“I know.”
“It’ll hurt you more than it hurts me!”
“I know.”

The tweezers grasped his tiny head and I steeled myself for the pull.

“Why not live and let live?”
“Don’t try to talk me out of it, devil creature. You must be destroyed before you spawn and if that means giving you freedom from my nose while causing myself great pain in the process, so be it.”
“I don’t want freedom! I just wanted to see what it looked like outside! I’m scared!”
“If I could, I’d put your root on a spike and sit it at the entrance to my nose as a warning to all the other hairs to never grow beyond their boundaries.”
“You’re a very sick man, you know that?”
“Yes.”

With that I yanked good and hard on the tweezers. The last thing I heard before I blacked out was a tiny voice screaming, “Freedom! Noooo! Cruel and horrible freedom!”

Then, the darkness claimed me.

Do They Know It’s Blogging Time

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   17

I’d link to the original song (Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid) but I can’t seem to find it on the net right now.

It’s Blogging time
There’s no one to Blog today
At Blogging time
They try to write but they feel the shame
And if their Blogs are empty
They can spread a smile of joy
Show their boobs around the world
At Blogging time!

But still I pray
Pray for another one
At Christmastime, it’s hard
But while you’re having fun
There’s a world reading your website
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only entries showing
Say, “I’ll see you all next year!”
And the commenters that write there
Are all asking, “Where are you?”
Well tonight this Blog is saying SHAME ON YOU!

And there won’t be posts from Canada this Blogging time
No Sarah, Billegible or Mike
(Noooo)
Where’s Gretchen Pirillo?
Michele, Robyn, Myo?
Do they know it’s Blogging time at all?

JadedJu
Peter, D and Solonor
Where’s Christine?
What is Stacy waiting for?
Do they know it’s Blogging time at all?

Free the words
Free the words
Free the words
Let them know it’s Blogging time again
Free the words
Let them know it’s Blogging time again

Repeat then fade

Have a Merry Holiday, everyone!

My Woman Rocks

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   7

I am in Geek heaven today.

Yesterday, HoBiscuit presented me with my Channukismas gift. Originally, I was going to write a long, drawn-out, but humorous dialogue-type post about my receipt of said gift, but honestly the gift speaks for itself.

My Gift.

Does anyone out there doubt my eternal love for this woman? Not only does she buy me a gift, she buys me the most Geekiest gift of all. It’s a date book, MP3 player, video camera, still camera, voice recorder and portable gaming device all in one! When I unwrapped it my nipples got so hard, so fast; they tore a hole in my shirt.

Nearly took her eye out, I did.

The Annual Holiday Apology

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Happy Holidays. I need some sleep.

As you can all probably tell, I’ve been so busy with real life that my website has suffered. As a quick catch up, let me summarize my last few days for you in handy-dandy list format.

  • Got hired for work (yay!) for the entire month of January
  • Looked at over 12 reception sites for my wedding
  • After six years, my mother met HoBiscuit’s parents for the very first time
  • One of my credit cards was used fraudulently to, amongst other things, buy women’s underwear at a sex shop
  • Went gift shopping at a huge outlet mall with about 1 billion other people
  • I joined Michele’s new Santa Blog

Since it’s coming up to the holiday season, when I like to spend more time with my friends and family in the real world than online, I hope you’ll all understand if my posting schedule is shortened from four or five posts a week to only two or three for the next few weeks. I’ll try to post when I can, but ‘tis the season to be with family, and I’d much rather spend time with them and my friends than with this computer.

In the meantime, check out Ho-Ho-Holy S**t for some funny, R-rated fun. I’m playing Blitzen, the drunk and angry reindeer.

The Game Is Afoot!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry •   5

I have thrown down the gauntlet.

Mike and I are ‘competing’ in a Christmas Song Parody Smackdown. Now, I may have written him a little email challenge yesterday trying to taunt him into this, but I do have the utmost respect for his comedic writing skills and am honestly impressed with most of what he writes. So of course, I would never, ever liken his most recent parody effort to the cruddy, flakey, white stuff that gathers on the sides of your mouth when you’re dying of thirst. I mean, his song’s alright as far as parodies go, but definitely not his best.

To quote him, “It’s quite good, for a first draft.”

That’s why I honestly believe his latest post was simply a practice run. A testing of the waters, so to speak. I’m sure that he’s just warming up, getting ready to destroy my self esteem in one fell swoop by writing a masterpiece, but for now I’ll just fire a warning shot across his bow to see how he responds.

The Censor Song
(Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better watch out,
You better not lie
Better not post,
Your feelings inside
Censor yourself or you will fry

We’re reading your crap and commenting twice,
Gonna make sure your thinking is right,
Censor yourself or you will fry

He sees you as insulting,
She knows that you’re a fake,
Who knows if you’re telling the truth
So we’ll burn you at the stake!

Oh!
You better watch out,
You better not lie
Better not post,
Your feelings inside
Censor yourself or you will fry

For anyone who wants to read some of my older parodies, here’s a few.

Emulation
‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
Little Drummer Boy
The Superman Song
All-Star