It was a beautiful day.

It was sunny and warm outside with a cool breeze beckoning me to leave the sanctity of my somber sanctuary. So instead of sitting in my dark room in front of my computer, I decided to head the call of summer and go outside to play. Grabbing my wallet and my keys, I left the dark and dreary cave I called home to join the chorus of bright and shiny happiness right outside my door.

It was going to be the most glorious of summer days.

Before I even reached the outer door I was already planning the use of my valuable free time. First some lunch, then some ice cream then a nice walk by the water to be followed by even more ice cream. Maybe I would even take some time to read a book in the sun at one of the myriad of outdoor café’s in the neighborhood. Perhaps I would once again walk by the water and cross the Brooklyn Bridge to meet HoBiscuit for a lovely dinner in the city and then take a moonlit stroll with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Stars and city lights would guide us home.

As I opened the outer door, smile upon my face at the thought of the after-walk sex my lady and I would have that evening, I felt my first summer breeze of the day across my face, chest and legs. My smile wavered as I pondered the feeling, knowing that something was wrong, but unable to fathom what it could be. When the neighborhood children stopped in their tracks to stare at me in shocked disbelief, I began to suspect the truth. When the pack of old ladies walking by began to point at me and giggle reality finally poked me in the eye with the stick of comprehension, and suddenly I realized my Great Error.

Somehow, I had forgotten to get dressed.

Closing the door in shame I turned back to my den of dark comforts. Ignoring one of the 7 year old girls’ catcall of, “My baby brother’s bigger’n that wittle thing!” I somehow managed to walk, not crawl, to the bed and pull the covers over my head before bursting into tears. Pulling out my “Dr Joel’s Professional Pumping System” manhood enhancer from under the bed, I vigorously set about turning that little girl, and all the other little girls like her, into the lying little whores that I knew they were. “One day.” I whispered to the darkness. “One day we’ll show them all.”

Pump. Pump. Pump.

Do you have an anger management problem?

Do you find yourself getting into verbal, or even physical, fights with other people who disagree with your obviously intellectually superior and far more morally correct opinions? Does the mere mention of ‘comment troll’ cause your middle finger to twitch into an upright & fully extended position? Do your friends actually enjoy bringing up politics or religion when you’re around just so they can place bets on when that pulsating vein on your left temple will actually burst?

Do you hate your friends?

Well lucky for you, we at The Mighty Geek Laboratories have discovered the world’s greatest method of meditation and relaxation. It’s called The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation. It is guaranteed to help you calm down in any situation where you might find yourself becoming murderously angry at those who have the audacity to disagree with you. There are no seminars to attend, no products to buy and certainly no money you need to part with. All you need is a clear place to sit and 10 minutes to follow our instructions.

Ready? Good.

The first thing you’ll need to do is sit down. Anywhere will do, but preferably a clear spot on the floor where you can cross your legs in the classic ‘meditation’ position. Now, once you are sitting down, you should place your hands on your knees and begin breathing slowly, taking 7 seconds to breathe in and another 7 seconds to breathe out.

Are you breathing? Good.

Now, on your next exhalation, you should say the first part of our Gregorian chant, which you will find below. It should be said in a monotone voice and for the entire 7 seconds it takes for you to exhale. Remember to take an additional 7 seconds to inhale after every repetition of the word.

The first word is Owah.

Go ahead, say the word right now; this will help you memorize it for later. After you’ve said this word five times, taking the full 7 seconds to say the word each time, it’s time to move on to the next word.

Tahjer

You should also say this word five times, remembering to take a full 7 seconds to say it each time. When you’ve finished, you can then move on to the next and final word of our Gregorian chant.

Kiam

Again, you should say this word five times while breathing properly. By this time you should be feeling more relaxed than when we began and you’ll be ready to move on to the next and final stage of our meditation.

It’s time to chant.

We will now begin using all the words together in a single Gregorian chant of relaxation and meditation. You should say each word as a single 7 second breath, taking 7 seconds to inhale after each word. 7 in and 7 out.

Remember, 7 is the magic number.

After repeating the chant for a while, I’m sure that you will begin to see the light and not only will you have calmed down, but you might even find yourself laughing. If you find that the chant isn’t working for you, try repeating it a little faster. Trust us, The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation has yet to fail.

Owah tahjer kiam.

Dear Readership,

In an effort to show the world what it would be like without The Mighty Geek and the sophomoric humor published here on an almost daily basis, I am going to substitute all things humorous in this post with the words ‘Pop-A-Wheelie’. I’m doing this because all of the services I provide, for free, to the world at large mean nothing if I’m not being shown any appreciation for Popping-A-Wheelie. And doing that is far more dangerous than Popping-A-Wheelie

But not quite so bad as Popping-A-Wheelie

So I’m shutting down the humor now, to give me time to Pop-A-Wheelie, and to give all of you a taste of what it would be like if I wasn’t here every day to show you how to properly Pop-A-Wheelie. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have so many people laughing at you without ever letting you know that they think you’re funnier than Popping- Wheelies.

It’s inhuman, especially considering I don’t get paid to Pop-Wheelies.

Give it a thought. This is what it would be like without the humor of The Mighty Geek. The lack of support for my continued self abuse, even by those who consider themselves my friends, has got me thinking that maybe some people will believe that this is a ‘real’ post and not a joke and then they will send me email begging me to ‘return’ or else the terrorists have Popped-A-Wheelie.

And that would be stupid.

So, what’s it worth to you for me to keep this going? Not in monetary terms, but in terms of showing me support? Simply put, I’m not willing to go on without more Popped-Wheelies.

Best wishes,
GeekMan

P.S. Pop-Wheelies!

P.P.S. Pop-A-Wheelie.

In no particular order, the words replaced by Pop-A-Wheelie are:

• Wearing a meat suit and diving headfirst into a colony of driver ants.
• Get my butt kicked by Bread in The Matrix on Miss Ex-Boxx.
• Shaving my nostrils with a rusty straight razor and snorting salt.
• Eat raw crack. You know, just because.
• Now I’m more pathetic than Wil Wheaton, aren’t I?
• Watching a cage full of starving lions try to catch and eat acrophobic monkeys covered in Tabasco sauce.
• Pictures of nekkid boobies. Dear lord, let me receive pictures of nekkid boobies.
• Grandma before she’s taken her medication but after she’s had a fifth of vodka.
• Raped the llamas and ridden off on the women in victory.
• If I get boobies, you get links!
• Remove your own spine and replace it with HoBiscuit branded Silly Putty.