Author: GeekMan

O-bitch-uary

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   18

GeekMan is dead.

His body was found underneath his computer desk in his home office by his flu-suffering fiancé HoBiscuit whose only response upon finding his remains was to repeatedly kick him in the groin while screaming, “Dammit, now I have to cancel this stupid wedding and I can’t even get my deposits back! You selfish bastard!”

Understandably, GeekMan had no reply.

Officials believe GeekMan was crushed to death by the combined weight of his wedding reception bills and his guilt about not updating his Blog in a week. Even though some officials did speculate that his death seemed a bit suspicious, they have since filed their reports and the death is now considered a horrible, but pleasantly necessary, accident. No mention was made of the llama hoof prints found near the body or the message, “It was the llamas.” written in his own blood on the floor.

Officials claim that he was just trying to be funny.

GeekMan is survived by a very angry fiancé who will not find this at all funny, a mother who will also not find this at all funny, a brother who will laugh because he knows no one else will find this at all funny, an imaginary antagonist known by the alias ‘Bread’, a very expensive home theater, a video game system and several dust bunnies who will now be free to take over the world.

May he finally rest in peace.

White Wedding

• by GeekMan • In Wedding •   4

Wedding budget? What’s that?

Being who we are, HoBiscuit and I didn’t want to have your typical, boring, everyday seating cards for our wedding. So, in keeping with our wintertime wedding theme, we decided that it would be pretty cool to have snowmen as our seating cards. At first we thought just cutting out snowmen from colored cardboard would be nice, and then we thought making them out of cotton balls would be even nicer.

But then we came up with the ultimate seating card idea.
Continue reading →

Lump

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Rants, Traveling •   6

I checked into my hotel room at 11pm.

Doesn’t sound ominous, does it? If I were in a movie however, that sentence would be accompanied by an extreme close-up of my frightened eyes and some scary music because what happened to me when I opened my hotel room door was very scary indeed.

I saw a man in my room.

That in and of itself is usually a little scary because, you know, finding a stranger in a room you thought would be empty can be a disconcerting to almost anyone. But it wasn’t just that I saw someone in my room when I thought it would be empty that sent me screaming from that wretched place, vomiting up my own bile-covered lower intestines in disgust. No. It wasn’t even the fact that said man was overweight and out of shape. Nope. It wasn’t even that he happened to be asleep, snoring like a rusty chainsaw on the only bed in the room, completely covered in sweaty body hair and nothing else that caused my eyes to spontaneously burst of their own accord like giant, overripe, festering boils. What was it then, that caused such a violent reaction from moi, The Mighty Geek?

The fat, ugly naked man was sleeping on top of the hotel bedspread!

Oh god, just writing this for you is conjuring images in my mind that are close to overpowering my gag reflex. I should have doused the poor man in gasoline and set him ablaze to put him out of my his misery. Obviously the poor man was mentally impaired, or emotionally unstable, to have even touched one of those wretched, disease infected things and I would have been doing the world a favor by removing him from the gene pool. Instead, I quickly closed the door, went back down to the front desk and asked for another room. When the attendant asked me what was wrong with my current room we had the following conversation;

Hotel Clerk:
“I’m terribly sorry sir, but the computer says the room is unoccupied. Are you sure there was someone already in that room?”
GeekMan:
“Well, miss. Either there was someone in there already, or this hotel has a massive roach problem. Which one would you prefer it to be when I write about my stay here on the internet?”
Hotel Clerk:
“I see. Allow me to give you one of our suites to compensate you for the inconvenience of finding another human being already occupying your room.”
GeekMan:
“That’s what I’m talking about.”

See people? With the right motivation, communicating with lower life forms is possible!

A Letter From The Management

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Dear Subscribers,

Due to an unfortunate mishap (It’s in the room! Run for your lives!), The Mighty Geek’s writing staff will be unable to deliver the side-splitting, (OMG are those laser beams coming out of Johnson’s monitor?!) snot-spewing humor that you have come to expect from us. Management (The accounting department’s melting! They’re melting! They’re like the Nazis in that Indiana Jones movie the poor bastards!) regrets this interruption in service, and will (Game over man! *sob* We’re all going to die!) work around-the-clock to bring the humorous (Holy Bejeezus! Green fire?! There’s green fire coming from the graphics department?!) anecdote machine back up to full capacity. We are fully aware of the high quality levels (I can’t feel my kidneys! What did it do to my kidneys?!) expected from our stories. (Argh! My manhood! My manhood!) Readers, rest assured that we will not release any stories until our standard levels of excellence are reached again. Sorry (WTF?! Cindy! Dear lord Cindy what happened to your eyes?!) for the inconvenience.

In the meantime, (Quick like a bunny barricade yourselves in the IT department before it gets to the servers!) please accept this token of our appreciation for being a loyal customer: Hahaha

Thank you, (Sweet Mother of Pearl it found the website! Kill it before it posts!) and please call again.

Sincerely,
TMG Management Team

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken

• by GeekMan • In Poetry, Wedding •   8

What do you people think of this as our first dance song?

Man Smart (Woman Smarter)
Performed by Harry Belafonte

I say let us put man and a woman together
To find out which one is smarter
Some say man but I say no
The woman got the man and they should know

**Chorus**
And not me but the people they say
That the men are leading the women astray
But I say, that the women of today
Smarter than the man in every way
That’s right the woman is SMARTER
That’s right the woman is SMARTER
That’s right the woman is SMARTER
That’s right
That’s right

Ever since the world began
Woman was always teaching man
Hey, you listen to my bid attentively
I going tell you how she’s smarter than me

Not me but the people they say
That the men are leading the women astray
But I say, that the women of today
Smarter than the man in every way

Samson was the strongest man long ago
No one could beat him, as we all know
Until he clashed with Delilah on top of the bed
She told them all the strength was in the hair of his head

**Chorus**

You meet a girl at a pretty dance
Thinking that you would stand a chance
Take her home, thinking she’s alone
Open the door you find her husband home

**Chorus**

I was treating a girl independently
She was making baby for me
When the baby’s born and I went to see
Eyes was blue it was not by me

**Chorus**
**Chorus**

Below are extra verses not in the recorded version of the song.

Garden of Eden was very nice
Adam never work in Paradise
Eve meet snake, Paradise gone
She make Adam work from that day on

**Chorus**

Methuselah spent all his life in tears
Lived without a woman for 900 years
One day he decided to have some fun
The poor man never lived to see 900 and one

**Chorus**
**Chorus**

Yeah, I know. It’s a little too upbeat…

It’s Getting A Little Hectic

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   3

Not long now, Papa Smurf.

It’s getting awfully close to the big wedding day for me and HoBiscuit, and that means that I’m a very busy little Geek. In fact, I’m so busy that I may just have to cut back TMG updates to two times a week rather than the normal five. Especially now that I’m getting ready for the big day AND working all next week away from home AND posting over at HHHS (not for kids!) until Christmas.

Boy, am I stupid.

Anywaste, if you were being kept up late at night with scary nightmares of not being able to buy us a wedding gift in time for our wedding, fret no more. You still have a few more weeks before we tie the knot, so run, don’t walk, to Amazon and buy us a nice wedding gift. Something both HoBiscuit and I would love to have. You know, something like the Ranma ½ boxed set collections. Or some Stikfas. Or some James Bond movies.

But not Pilates DVDs. Dear lord, please no Pilates!

Yeah, We Got That

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

Friday morning, 6:27am.

[telephone ringing]

GeekMan:
“Hello…?”

GeekMom:
“GeekMan! You need to wake up! Right now!”

GeekMan:
[groggy, but alarmed]
“Huh? What? Mom? Is something wrong? Are you OK?”

GeekMom:
[exasperated]
“Of course I’m OK! But you need to get up and listen to me, right now!”

GeekMan:
“Mom, you’re scaring me. What time is it?”

[looks at clock]

“OMG! It’s 6:30 in the fricking morning, mom! Whatever this is about, if it’s not life-threatening then it can wait until after I wake up at about noon, OK? I’m going back to bed now…”

GeekMom:
“No, it can’t wait and if you hang up on me then I won’t buy you anything. Unless, of course, you don’t need anything from the Super-Duper, 2-Hours Only Mega-Sale at Staples…”

GeekMan:
[suddenly more awake than he’s ever been in his life]
“Staples is having a special 2-hour sale?! Hold on a second and I’ll get the list I keep handy for just such an emergency…”

GeekMom:
“You better hurry. There’s a grandmother with a cane eyeballing the free-after-coupon-and-rebate scanner that I want and I’ll be damned if some old fart’s going to beat me to the last one.”

And you can bet my mother beat that old fart to the last scanner. Boo-yah.

She also got me some really great stuff at amazing discount prices. Things like a few hundred CD-Rs, another few hundred flat CD jewel cases, two 256MB Thumbdrives, and even a 17” flat-screen LCD monitor. And all for under $300. Yes, that price includes the LCD. Are you jealous? Oh yeah, I know you are. My mom rocks, even when she does wake me up at 6:30 in the fricking morning.

Mmmm… LCD. So bright, so colorful, so pretty… and all mine.

Turkey Day

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   8

I’m celebrating by taking the rest of this week off.

That means no humor from me until Monday. That’s right; I won’t be telling one joke, making one wisecrack or being silly in any way, in public or in private, until Monday at 9am when I arrive back at the office of The Department of Intolerably Idiotic and Asinine Stupidity Cleverly Disguised As Self-Deprecating Humor That Is Not Funny At All. So, if you’re American, Happy Thanksgiving. If you’re not… well, you should kill a turkey anyway.

I mean, they’re just plain ugly, y’know?

It’s The Little Things

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Wedding •   4

Conversation in the tux rental shop.

Tux Guy:
“OK sir, we’ll just need a few more measurements and we’ll be all finished. Teresa here will take those measurements for you.”

Grandpa:
“Hey! Just what do you think you’re doing down there, girlie?”

Teresa:
[blushing furiously]
“Well sir, I need to measure your inseam…”

Grandpa:
“Oh. Well, as long as you’re down there, would you mind jingling my bells a little? It’s been a long time since my wife touched me there and I want to make sure they still work.”

Teresa:
[embarrassed and flustered]
“Sir!”

Grandma:
“Tell you what girl, if you can find them I’ll give you a hundred bucks.”

Tux Guy & Teresa:
“Hahahahahahaha!”

Grandpa:
“GeekMan, what are you doing?”

GeekMan:
“Quiet! I’m using my latent psychic abilities to will myself to die of embarrassment.”

I have no idea why they all found that so funny. Bastards.

One Ring To Rule

• by GeekMan • In Wedding •   3

We bought our rings this weekend.

I know there’s nothing too exciting, or even humorous, about buying wedding bands, especially when your mind simply shuts down after hearing how much they’re going to cost. Nothing funny happened while we were in the store or speaking to the salesperson. We weren’t even witnesses to any public forms of hilarity or embarrassing moments by other shoppers or motorists as we traveled to and from Lou E. Smiley’s Ring Barn Emporium.

Truly, it was a boring day.

However, after we returned home with HoBiscuit’s ring (mine will take two weeks to finish) I went to the kitchen to get myself a drink. Calling out to HoBiscuit, who was in the back room and thus as far from me as possible in our apartment, I asked her what she might want to drink but I received no answer. Curious as to her sudden silence I quietly tip-toed to the back to see what she was up to that could keep her so quiet.

And when I peek into the room what do I discover?

I’ll tell you what I saw. I saw HoBiscuit sitting in my very brightly lit office, in my chair and at my desk with her hand directly under my super-bright graphics-professional-grade desk lamp. She was turning her hand this way and that to set off the sparkly diamond chips in her wedding band and muttering something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like;

“My Precious. We have him right where we wants him, don’t we my Precious? So pretty. So sparkly. So… Preciousssss…”

I’m man enough to admit that I got so scared I nearly wet myself. Truth be told, immediately afterwards I snuck away to the bedroom because I needed to change my underwear. Anyone out there think it’s too late for me to run?

Dammit, I thought so.