Author: GeekMan

Catch Up

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   4

I’m so damn tired.

Some of you may have been wondering where I’ve been these last few weeks. Some of you have even sent me email to congratulate me for finally realizing how unfunny I am and deciding to let the world’s pain end by allowing this pathetic excuse for a vanity website die. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint all of you, but this site isn’t dead yet.

I’m not dead either, although I do feel tired enough to be one of the walking dead.

Why am I damn tired? Maybe because I haven’t slept in, oh… three months, and I’ve barely even seen HoBiscuit since our wedding in January? But other than lack of sleep, money, sweet lovin’ and sanity, I’m just ducky, thankyouverymuch. Now, a lot of you people out there have expressed interest in my married life, some even going so far as to email me to ask, and I’m always happy to tell those people who ask how wonderful married life is and how happy I am to be married to such a beautiful and amazingly perfect woman like HoBiscuit.

And when she leaves the room I tell them the truth.

What’s the truth? The truth is that I don’t know how married life is because I haven’t seen my wife for longer than 72 hours in a row before I’ve had to get back on an airplane to fly to yet another city for yet another job. In fact, we haven’t even had a honeymoon, and I don’t believe we’ll have one until our one year anniversary because of all the work that I’ve been getting. I don’t normally talk about work here, but even though having work is a VERY GOOD THING for a freelancer, it’s still damn tiring to work non-stop for three months without weekends or days off.

Which brings me back to you.

Over the last two months I’ve been trying to update here as often as time allowed, and I thank all of you for bearing with the sporadic updates and horrendously unfunny posts during this time, but I’m happy to say that your suffering is almost at an end. In fact, I should be back to my regular schedule in just a couple of weeks, and to kick off my grand return to comedic normality I think I might have another contest to celebrate. The rules will be supplied at the end of this week and the winner will receive a prize so coveted and wondrous that people usually pay me huge sums of cash-moolah to provide it to them. Huh? No, no, no! Not that you sicko! I told you I don’t do that anymore. Not since the whole ‘green rash’ incident, I don’t.

How much? Hmmm… we’ll talk later. Privately.

Anywaste, what I’m talking about here is a website designed by yours truly. Something truly spunktacular and groovy made just for you. I’ll tell you all about the contest later this week, but for now I need to get ready for my next work related aneurism, which will be inflicted upon me this Saturday by the double whammy of Solonor and The House of Mouse. Yeah that’s right; I’m going back down to Orlando for some Bad Ass.

What?! I’m talking about coffee you freak, not Solonor!

St. Geekwhere

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, Rants •   2

“Doctor, you have to come quickly, there’s a patient in dire need of medical attention!”

“Pardon me for a moment Mr. Davidson while I deal with this interruption.”

[Doctor turns from his patient to face Intern]

“You’re a first year intern, right?”

“I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but yes, I am.”

“Right. So intern, tell me what’s wrong with this patient you’re so worried about.”

“I don’t really know, doctor. He was wheeled in on a hand-truck by his wife.”

“Wait. He was admitted on a hand-truck?”

“Yes, doctor. By his wife.”

“That’s new. Must be a clever woman. Well, go on.”
Continue reading →

An Army Of Dumb

• by GeekMan • In PhotoBloggery •   4

I blame my father.

You see, when a young boy asks his father what a soldier is, he takes his father’s words as gospel. He doesn’t understand how his father might see his questioning as a means to alleviate his boring afternoon of housebound babysitting. The boy wouldn’t see the gleam of mischief in his father’s eye as anything other than eagerness to answer his question. He wouldn’t even begin to comprehend the cruelty of his father’s seemingly innocent inquiry as to whether the boy’s younger brother might also like to know.

The two boys aren’t stupid, they’re just naïve.

And when the father of these two impressionable children decided that mere words might not be enough, that perhaps they would better understand what it meant to be a soldier if they were to dress up like real army men, these two angelic children might simply laugh and exclaim at what a wonderful idea that was.

And then the horror would begin.

The two boys were dressed helmets, belts, pouches and canteens. When they told their father that they wanted to have medals like a real soldier they were given “purple hearts” made from red Valentine’s Day stickers. Then they were taught the proper way to salute by their supposedly loving father. The very same father who, holding back what at the time seemed to the young boys to be tears of joy, ran to the bedroom to grab his camera and take a picture of “his little soldiers” for posterity’s sake.

Sigh; at least I’m not the one who looks like Mini-Benny Hill.
Continue reading →

Passover Geek Style

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

Aunt Vodka’s grandson is reading the four questions.

Grandson:
“Why is this night different from all other nights?”

Granddaughter:
“I know! I know! It’s different because grandma Vodka isn’t drunk yet!”

Uncle Cigar:
“Granddaughter! That’s not nice. You should apologize to your grandmother right now.”

Granddaughter:
“You’re right, grandpa. I’m sorry you’re not drunk, grandma Vodka.”

Aunt Vodka:
“Not nearly as sorry as I am.”

Many spit takes and coughing fits ensued.

One Day

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

One day I will find time.

One day I will find time hidden away in the darkest corner under my bed like an old action figure I used to love only to discard when it lost its kung-fu grip hands in an unfortunate sky-diving incident. One day time will be there when I need it and not cavorting like a carefree bachelor with space at the continuum dance party while I sit at home alone wondering if time will ever call. One day I will find time and, like old friends meeting by accident at the bus station, we will embrace and talk of time’s past over a cup of hot chocolate. One day time will look upon me from across the room and smile at me and grant me enough of itself to do everything that must be done. One day I will find time and time will let me work, play, write, read, eat, sleep and single-handedly save the world from mutant alien llamas without disappearing when I need time most like morning mist on a warm summer’s day. One day I will keep time in my pocket like spare change and doll it out judiciously in order to do that which I so dearly love to do. One day time will allow me a tiny portion of itself so that I may write more than a stupid tribute to time I wish I had but do not.

One day, but not today.

Wandering Fool

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   4

Or; The GeekMan Cometh.

I’m headed down to Orlando Florida this Sunday where I will hopefully have time to once again cause great destruction and mayhem throughout the city with my Blogging cohort Solonor The Moderately Dangerous Man-Ferret.

He’s got a utility belt and everything.

So, should you live in or near the home of a certain anal retentive mouse with a high-pitched voice, you are cordially invited to have dinner with the Geek and the… uh, Solonor which should make for an entertaining evening since Solonor truly does take after his name. And, as everyone knows, Solonor is Lilliputian for “Not of the Sun” which of course is the exact wording used by Nostradingus to describe Satan.

Anywaste, I’ll be back Wednesday. If Solonor doesn’t kill me, that is.

Going Post-Nasal

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   7

I have post-nasal drip.

Do you know what that is? Post-nasal drip is when snot drips down your throat due to leakage from the back of your nose. I know what you’re thinking, but get past the disgust factor and you know what? You’ve got an open phlegm-faucet in your throat that’s constantly pouring a fresh supply of wannabe-snot down your breathing and eating tubes.

Basically, you’re constantly eating your own snot.

Do you know how fricking annoying it is to be constantly eating your own snot? It’s not as if I enjoy it, you know. Snot is not at the top of my list of favorite foods, it doesn’t even make the top 100. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of anyone entering a fast food restaurant and saying, “I’ll have the Big Phlegm Happy Meal with a side order of Coagulated Blood-fries and a coke, please. Oh, and that order’s to go.”

Mmm-mmmm. Now that’s good eating.

Even worse than eating it though, is feeling it constantly dripping down my throat. It both tickles and repulses me every time I swallow. I find myself constantly clearing my throat in the hopes of dislodging the mucus, but no matter how obnoxiously I make the “Heh-HEGH!” noise, nothing ever comes up.

And if you think that’s bad, it’s even worse at night.

That’s because when I go to bed the slow drip becomes a fricking flood. I find myself swallowing twice as much as normal for fear of drowning on my own snot while I’m asleep. Then, just when I think I might have the whole breath/swallow ratio figured out well enough to actually sleep, the stupid snot begins drying out in my throat! That makes even breathing painful plus I start coughing as if I had swallowed a duck with bronchitis! Right now I’m so frustrated with my nasal passages that I hate them. In fact, I hate every thing today. I hate my nose, I hate tissues with aloe, I hate daytime TV, I hate people, I hate you, I hate life, but most of all I hate, HATE, HATE post-nasal drip!

Aaargh! I’m out of fricking tissues again! Damn you, poetic irony!

Super Perfect Happy FunWorld

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   2

I’m going to hell.

Most people wouldn’t look at it that way, of course, but then again most people aren’t jaded and bitter about traveling the way I am either. This weekend I’m headed down to the sunny state of Florida, where citrus fruit and neon colored houses grow like weeds. And, although I am an old and decrepit individual, I am not going down there to retire like so many other New Yorkers. Quite the contrary actually, I’m headed south for work, not pleasure.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to have fun, right?

So, once again I’m throwing my heart ego heart on the ground in the hopes someone will pick it up and show me some love. You see, I happen to know that some of my readers live in Florida, so I’m giving them all fair warning that I’m coming down so they can either pack their bags and flee the state like so many rats from the Titanic, or they can clear their schedule and plan on having a meal with the man behind the Geek.

My money’s on them running, how about you?

Voice-Less

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

I’ve lost the ability to speak.

My cold has been racing through my system, ravaging first my head with aches and pains, then my sinuses with clogging and dripping and now, finally, by attacking my throat and vocal cords with a paralyzing deluge of phlegm. No matter how many times I clear my throat I can’t seem to dislodge the cloying, silly-putty-like covering of mucus encasing it and it’s driving me crazy. Talking is impossible since no matter how hard I try all that comes out of my mouth are sounds one can only imagine might be made by a boy going through puberty trying to speak while gargling with Drain-o after swallowing an angry porcupine.

It’s also killing me how much HoBiscuit is enjoying my silence.

She keeps asking me questions she knows I want to answer; only to answer them herself in ways she knows will drive me insane. Want an example? Ok, she asks me questions like, “Would it be ok if I spent the money you were saving for the home theater’s new preamp/processor on new shoes for myself?” and then she’ll immediately answer herself in a the lowest, most manly voice she can muster with, “Of course not, Honey! You go buy your shoes because all I want is for you to be happy.” Then she just laughs and laughs and laughs until she cries. Which I guess is a good thing.

Why? Because when I remember that we’re together forever, I start crying too.

Sneezing & Wheezing

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Stupid, stupid weather.

In case the title wasn’t enough of a hint, let me tell you all straight out that I’m sick. Apparently, while refusing to towel yourself off after a shower for fear of mind controlling rays from the government satellites in space may allow you to remember all the deep thoughts you concocted while soapy and wet, it will also lead to a runny nose, sudden chills and a tendency to sweat profusely while unable to keep warm. I hate being sick.

Can some kind soul email me some chicken soup? Please?