Author: GeekMan

Falling Down

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   3

Early morning phone calls are never good news.

At 2:15 this morning I got a phone call informing me that Mr. Hentai was in the hospital. Apparently he fainted or collapsed last night for no reason whatsoever and his girlfriend made him check into the hospital for testing because she was worried about him, even though he wanted to shrug it off and go back to bed.

Good for her. Him? He’s a schmuck.

Anywaste, today I am going to do nothing but think good thoughts and well wishes to Mr. Hentai and I ask that each of you please do the same. I don’t know what happened, and I won’t know until later this evening, but any and all well wishes would be greatly appreciated. I’m hoping that it was nothing but fatigue, but you never know, you know?

Hey, he’s my best friend, need I say more?

Ask Geeky

• by GeekMan • In Ask Bread, Experiments •   2

What’s your problem?

Today I think I’m going to start a brand new trend here at The Mighty Geek, one that will live on in infamy long after you stop visiting me for your daily dose of off the wall humor. You see, it has come to my attention that there are some people out there who have questions. Questions about life, questions about the inner workings of the universe, questions about love, computers, travel, home ownership, otherworldly entities, setting up a home network, how to find the G spot and a myriad of other worthwhile pursuits. Why, I’ve even heard of one person who was wondering who the hell I was!

The answer, of course, is GeekMan. Duh.

So dear readers, if you have a conundrum that cannot be answered by simple Google searches alone send them to me because my mailbox is now open for submissions. Every Friday, right here on The Mighty Geek dot com, you will find answers for whatever questions you might have ever pondered in the dark recesses of your hallway closets. You can ask me anything, ANYTHING, and I promise to give you not just an answer, but THE answer right here on my website for you and the whole world to see.

Especially if it might embarrass you.

And, as an added bonus, not only will I give you that elusive answer that you’ve been desperately searching for all you life, I’ll even give you a bit of linky-love in the process. So don’t delay, send your question/conundrum/philosophical ponderings to me at the address below and I’ll find some humorous way to answer it while simultaneously ridiculing you so scathingly that you’ll pray every night until you die that you could go back in time and stop yourself from ever sending me the email in the first place.

Send a self addressed email with the subject line, “The Mighty Question” to:
geek man at the mighty geek dot com

I would have made it a clickable link except, well, I’m lazy.

Oopsie

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   1

Dear Valued Readership,

It has come to our attention that this site has yet to be updated with fresh content today. Please be assured that we at The Mighty Geek are diligent in our efforts to continually entertain you, our valued readership, and are ever on the look-out for new and humorous methods of brightening your day. Tonight, you can breathe a sigh of relief, sleeping sound and safe with the knowledge that those responsible for the sorry lack of content today have not only been sacked, but have been beaten with the Switch Of Perpetual Obedience and tossed out of our office window like a discarded wad of tissue paper. Rest assured they shall never fail in their duties to entertain you again.

For they are now deceased.

As we are now in the unfortunate position of needing to hire an entirely new staff, we beg your indulgence until the morrow when we shall once again entertain you with yet another meaningless story of GeekMan’s pathetic life using humor and wit to illustrate how much better off you are than he is in all things. Thank you and good night.

The Management

Fat Bastard

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Rants •   7

Real people, real conversations, real problem.

Upon meeting a female friend I’ve known since high school for the first time in four months the following conversation took place:

Female Friend:
“Hey GeekMan, it’s good to see you! How are you doing?”

GeekMan:
“Hi FF, it’s good to see you too. I’ve been great, just working too hard and…”

[FF pokes GeekMan’s tummy]

GeekMan:
“You did not just poke me in the stomach.”

FF:
“I’m sorry, it’s just so cute! You’ve got a bubble belly!”

GeekMan:
“You know, I never liked you. Ever.”

While showing my new apartment to my brother, Fishman and his fiancé Papaya:

GeekMan:
“So, as you can see, everything’s great here except for the kitchen which we really need to fix up before we actually move in.”

Papaya:
It’s a great place; I love the exposed beams and the hardwood floors! Have you thought about… Oh, WOW!”

GeekMan:
“What?! Is something wrong with the apartment?”

Papaya:
“No, no. Nothing like that. It’s just that… well; I just noticed that you’ve got a pooch! And it’s so cute sticking out from your body like that! Like you’ve just eaten a small basketball.”

GeekMan:
“Did you just call me FAT?!”

Papaya:
“Uhm… No. Not really…”

GeekMan:
“I am NOT fat.”

Papaya:
“There’s no need to shout, I was just observing that you’re stomach is a little rounder that it used to be. You know, people do tend to gain weight as they age…”

GeekMan:
“Now I’m fat AND old?! You insult me in my own home?”

Papaya:
“Oh dear. That’s not what I meant. Fishman, help me out here. Please?”

Fishman:
“Dude, you’re old and fat. Deal with it.”

GeekMan:
“I’d kill you both, but I don’t think I’d ever get the bloodstains out of the floor.”

So, now I’m an old, fat and angry man and I hate it. Especially since HoBiscuit finds it hysterical that everyone, and I do mean everyone, has been pointing out my tummy over the last week. I, on the other hand, didn’t think it was so bad until yesterday when we attended a BBQ at a friend’s house and someone there asked me if I did sit-ups, and when I said no he replied, “Well, you’d lose that gut if you did.”

I would have hit him, but that would have meant, you know, getting up and stuff.

And This Time I Really Mean It

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry, Traveling •   5

Well true believers, GeekMan’s got some bad news.

Due to my amazingly full work schedule I’m going to be flying to Chicago today to be a good little graphics monkey and make enough money for HoBiscuit to buy herself a new pair of shoes, and the accompanying walk-in closet to go with them. What that means for you my loyal readership is that I’ll be gone for yet another week, but if my visitor logs are any indication then neither of you will really care.

I don’t even think Momma Geek will notice my absence.

In order for the world to fully comprehend my agony over leaving all of you unattended and humorless for yet another seven days, I originally wanted to express myself in the only way I believed could truly capture all of my anguish, heartache, fear and despair. But since no one would have been able to see my interpretive dance, I’ve decided to use a different style of expression more in keeping with this computerized medium. So sit back and prepare yourself for my awe inspiring and almost Shakespearian display of Crane-Style Emotive Blogger Haiku.

Yeah BOY-eee. I got mad haiku skilz.

Early morning flight
Work has GeekMan by the nads
Updates shall suffer

Readers bow their heads
Hot chocolate made sweet with tears
Heaven holds no warmth

Another week gone
Sadness envelopes the world
Until The Return

Mark your calendar
There will be great rejoicing
On Monday the twelfth

That’s right. You just got poetry served.

Reason In Rhyme

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, Moving, Poetry, Traveling •   1

Dear Minions,

I understand that it’s Sunday
And yet, I’ll post this anyway
To heck with rules is what I say
When GeekMan is not here to play

My mind is lost, it’s gone you see
I’m driving friends down to DC
I offered up my SUV
To help them leave New York City

Try not to fret, or weep, or cry
For GeekMan did not up and die
I have not been poked in the eye
Or made into Sweeney Meat Pie

I’m just a Geek who’s strong, like ox
Which means I’ll lift a heavy box
While my friends who’re smart, like fox
Eat bagels, cream cheese and some lox

So for a week and then a night
There will be no updates to this site
Monday the 5th is when I’ll write
Later!
Love,
The Geek of Might

Learning Is FundaMENTAL

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

Continuing education courses I’d love to take.

Death Shadow Kick
Students will learn the secret techniques of Death Shadow Kicking as taught by Master Shuh Hua “Pookie-Bear” Lin. Involves strenuous physical and mental exercise (students should be in peak physical shape), intense concentration and a willingness to instantly kill your opponent with one kick. Students must have credit in Master Shuh’s King Kong Palm and Stealthy Finger Of Death classes or similar experience.

Intro to Modern Slang
In this introductory class, students will learn the proper usage of a large vocabulary of modern slang used by the kids of today on the streets and in the Hood. The classes Running For Your Life In The Ghetto and Introduction To Avoiding An Ass Whooping are prerequisites for this course. It is also recommended that prospective students take a few First Aid or nursing classes.

Advanced Tax Avoidance 101
Students will be taught the most effective methods of avoiding the tax man in America. From declaring yourself a priest of your own religion to setting up a non-existent dummy corporation to simply moving all your assets overseas, this class will teach you the fundamentals of not only keeping more of your money, but doing it in a perfectly legal and untraceable way. Taught by Professor Jeffrey “What A Country” Skilling, students should be willing to travel incognito to foreign shores for ‘special’ on-site lessons.

Advanced Manly Gadget Purchasing Techniques
Students will learn how to research, compare and purchase the newest and best gadgets on the market today… and tomorrow. From surfing the gadget websites to in-store, pimply-faced, stock boy questioning techniques, to getting approval for the purchase from your significant other, this course will cover it all. Mandatory prerequisites include: Making Friends With Annoying Nerds & Geeks For Fun And Profit, Advanced Bargaining, and How To Bribe Your Wife With Guilt Without Getting Caught.

Got any suggestions?

Heavenly

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Fabulous!

Today is Designer Guys day on the Discovery Home Channel. I’d write something witty and self depreciating here about my unhealthy infatuation with this show, but I’m too busy taking notes to find the time to beat my emerging feminine/homosexual side back into submission. Have I mentioned that I’m thinking of painting the bedroom ‘lavender star’ and the kitchen ‘spring melon’?

I think I need an intervention.

Grandfather’s Big Day

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   4

It sounded like such a good idea.

For Fathers Day my mother, brother and I decided it would be nice to take my grandpa out to lunch. The place we picked was a hip little eatery in Brooklyn that served wonderful food and had a great atmosphere, all of which was completely wasted on my grandpa because all he cared about were the very pretty waitresses and fashion model-esque hostess.

From the moment we entered I knew there’d be trouble.

Hostess:
“Welcome to _____. How many people in your party?”

Grandpa:
“There’s five of us now, but if you’re free I can get rid of the other four.”

After gracefully recovering from this full frontal attack, the hostess showed us to our table where my Grandpa shifted his leering sexual harassment from the hostess to the waitress without even batting an eye.

Waitress:
“Hi, my name is Cassandra. Would you like me to tell you our specials?”

Grandpa:
“How about showing us?”

Waitress:
“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Grandpa:
“Well sweetheart, you look mighty special to me and since it’s Father’s Day how about giving me a little something ‘special’ that’s not on the menu?”

Unable to respond to this, the waitress leaves the table while we berate my grandpa for his horrible manners. Pleading old age and then looking at all of us with a hurt, puppy-dog face, grandpa sulked until the hostess, who was forced to wait on us herself when the waitress refused to come back, came over to take our order. For this next bit, please picture a hot, sexy blonde girl in her early twenties wearing a red velvet dress that barely covers her butt. She is standing at the head of the rectangular table with my grandpa to her immediate left.

Hostess:
“Thank you for your orders. Is there anything else I can do for you until your food is ready?”

Grandpa:
“Could you pass me the salt?”

Hostess:
“Uhm… ok…”

Hostess begins to walk around table to get salt.

Grandpa:
“No sweetheart, not like that. How about staying where you are and just leaning across the whole table to get it?”

Hostess:
“What? But that would…”

Grandpa:
Leering grin of deviancy.

Hostess [realizing what she’s wearing]:
“Oh my god, you are so naughty!”

Grandpa:
“You think so? Well then, I guess you should spank me.”

GeekMan:
“Uhm, your tip is going to cost me a fricking fortune, isn’t it?”

Hostess:
“Oh, hell’s yeah.”

My Day

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life •   8

Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Frustration.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Crisis.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic.

Crisis averted.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Work. Web surf. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off. Goof off.

Crisis.

Work. Work. Work. Sweat. Work. Cry. Work. Whimper. Work. Pray. Work. Plead. Work. Pray. Work. Work. Poo bricks. Work. Spaz out. Work. Work. Whimper. Work.

Crash.

Curse. Swear. Curse. Reboot. Curse. Curse. Blaspheme. Curse. Curse. Curse. Swear. Curse. Curse. Sweat. Curse. Curse. Curse. Pray. Curse. Pray. Curse. Curse. Curse. Curse. Cry. Curse. Curse. Curse. Blaspheme. Curse. Reboot. Pray.

Fix.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Workworkworkworkwork.

Crises averted.

Relief. Work. Work. Work. Goof off. Goof off. Work. Work. Goof off. Work. Work. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Work. Work. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Work. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo. Halo.

MAJOR CRISIS.

Work. Work. Work. Curse. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Blaspheme. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Cry. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Whimper. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Workworkworkworkwork.

Death defy.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Surf. Work. Work. Work. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Surf. Work. Surf. Surf. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog. Blog.

Halo.