Author: GeekMan

Open The Pod Bay Doors, HAL

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   8

OK, this one’s for the men out there.

Let’s say you go to the bathroom to do your business and when you’re done you wipe yourself really, really well. So well in fact, that the next time you go to the bathroom, which just happens to be after a particularly spicy dinner of nuclear tacos and jalapeño poppers, you notice that there is a piece of toilet paper fuzz that has attached itself to your nether-regions in such a way that you simply cannot take care of business without first removing said piece of TP fuzz. Let us also hypothesize that this particular piece of TP fuzz is holding on to every damn hair on your butt as if its very life depended on it.

And, just for giggles, let’s say you REALLY need to poo.

Now, keeping in mind that this has of course never happened to me, I find myself, for purely scientific reasons of course, interested in the actual process one might use to remove this hypothetical anal invader with as little pain as possible before ones sphincter exploded due to pressure buildup. Think about it. Perhaps due to your overwhelming desire to be thorough in your cleaning duties during your first visit to the ‘office’ you so vigorously wiped yourself that this theoretical butt gremlin actually became fused to the hair down there. Yanking it out has already proven to be too painful and you now believe that nothing short of the Jaws of Life will ever clear the way for you to freely poo again. So, hypothetically speaking guys, what exactly would you do to clear the way?

And please, type fast. There’s somewhere I really need to be right now…

Family Portrait

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

Saturday there was a family gathering.

At this gathering there were many, many small children, a few grown-ups… and my grandpa. When the party was over and it was time for everyone to go home, HoBiscuit’s father, who was sure this would be the last time everyone would be gathered together in one place for many years to come, whipped out his camera and insisted that everyone gather ‘round the couch for a big family portrait.

After the usual protestations, we all sourly headed to the living room couch.

All the children, who are all 12 years old or younger, were sitting on the floor and all the grown-ups were sitting on the couch waiting for the family friend who had been suckered into being the photographer for this soon-to-be family heirloom to take the picture when my grandfather opened his mouth. As soon as he did I knew, just knew that it was going to be bad.

Unfortunately, it was much worse than I feared.

Grandpa:
“Hey kids, what’s the worst word you know?”

Kids:
“Poopie!” “Pee-pee!” “Butt!” “Fart-face!” “Turd-breath!”

[much giggling from kids]

Family Friend:
“Okay everyone, smile for the camera…”

Grandpa:
“Those are good words kiddies, but I’ve got a better one. And I think we should all say it when we smile for the camera.”

Kids:
“What?! Their’s something worse than turd-breath? Tell us!”

Family Friend:
“Here we go. One… Two…”

Grandpa:
“Everyone say, ‘F*****g S**t’!”

Of course, now those kids fricking love my grandpa.

Ask Bread 03

• by GeekMan • In Ask Bread •   Comments Off on Ask Bread 03

Hey losers, it’s time for the third installment of Ask Bread.

Luke, who thinks he’s cleverer than he really is, asks;

Bread,
Why do people persist to call kissing “sucking face”?
Luke

Dear Luke,

As far as I can tell people call it Sucking Face for a very simple reason; it’s a more truthful label for what it is you do when you open-mouth kiss. Sucking Face ain’t a pretty term, but then again it’s not like kissing looks pretty, ya know? I mean, you guys need to close your eyes just to get through the whole process without fricking gagging and still you insist that it’s a pleasurable experience to “French” kiss. As if anyone out there truly believes that the French would ever invent as disgusting a process as swapping germ infested liquid from one host to another by tongue wrestling your opponent into submission to more easily kill them. However, Sucking Face does more accurately describe what’s happening when you humans put your lips on another human’s lips and push your tongue down their throat as they choke on your spit.

It would be more humane to simply stab them in the neck with a pen.

Mr. Hentai, the only guy who’s a bigger loser than GeekMan, asks;

Dear Bread,
Did you ever get a yeast infection?
Mr. Hentai

Dear Mr. Schmuck,

Ha, fricking, ha. You’re some kind of wise-guy, ain’tcha? You think you’re so funny, making yeast jokes because I’m made of bread, huh? How’d you like it if I came over there and smacked you upside your pointy little head? I don’t know about you humans, but when a female piece of leavened bakery product gets a yeast infection it ain’t no joke. You better call in the National Guard because they’re going to make your life a living hell until that infection goes away. And when I say living hell, I ain’t kidding! Lady bread products go fricking bonkers when they’re infected with yeast; they get real mean, and real fricking nasty, real fricking quick. They’ll bite off your head and spit out your teeth if you even look at them funny so do us all a favor, Mr. Funny Guy Hentai, and don’t never bring up yeast infections again or I’ll come over to your house and poop in your shoes.

Then I’ll shave your cats.

GeekMan’s one and only fangirl, Annessa (who’s website don’t seem to be working right now), writes;

Dearest Bread,
This is not so much a fan letter as it is a request. Could you please remove the picture of me in a tshirt? For some reason, my boyfriend has developed a problem with someone seeing my overly large mammaries in something that’s not baggy and loose. Sorry about the trouble, and thanks,
Annessa

Sweetcheeks Annessa,

This is fricking GREAT! The one fan who’s ever sent in a picture of themselves to that loser extraordinaire GeekMan is actually asking to have it removed from his pathetic site! I’m fricking loving you right now, Annessa. So much so, that I won’t even make some lame joke about your breasts as I remove your picture from this site. You know, some stupid play on words like, “Thanks for the mammaries.” or “Boobies be gone!” or “Milk-Toast.” or something equally dumb like that.

Heh, Milk-Toast. I like that.

————————

There you have it, another successful installment of Ask Bread! no thanks to that lazy loser GeekMan. If you’ve got a stupid question for me, the fricking mighty Bread, then send me an email with the subject line “The Mighty Question” at bread at the mighty geek dot com. If you’re female and want to prove how much you love me, send me a picture of yourself covered in butter so I won’t feel so bad when I’m locked up here in the house while GeekMan and HoBiscuit go away for the weekend again. Just imagine GeekMan’s face when he sees all the wet crumbs on his keyboard Sunday night… Hey! He’s the one who deleted my Land-O-Lakes sexorama gallery! I’m just giving him what he fricking deserves!

Don’t look at me like that. I admit I’m a perv, what’s your excuse?

Infested

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   1

Where’s Raid when you need it?

This week GeekHaüse has been infested with the most insidious type of household pest known to humankind. This particular infestation comes almost without warning and cannot be eradicated by any known or unknown insecticide, poison, trap, napalm, nuclear radiation or congressional committee.

The in-laws are visiting.

That’s right, Mr. and Mrs. Geek are playing host to HoBiscuit’s mom, dad, sister, sister’s husband, niece and two nephews for the rest of this week which means that updates to this website might be a little sporadic this week. However, at the very least Bread assures me that he will be answering reader-submitted questions once again this Friday. So, if you have any philosophical questions of Great Worth, or even if you just want to know your horoscope, don’t hesitate to shoot Bread… an email. You can send your question to bread directly at; bread at the mighty geek dot com. Be sure to have “The Mighty Question” as your subject line or Bread might not answer your question.

Yeah, he’s a Rule-Nazi. What can you do?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to bone up on my Halo skills or my nephews will once again humiliate me with an ego-crushing defeat. It’s bad enough that they can kill me without even trying, but I really think their father should teach them not to point at my tears of shame and chant, “Loser, Loser! Uncle Geek is a big, stupid loser!”

And then they make me do the Crybaby Dance Of Shame.

Oh Boy

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   2

Have I got a weekend full of stories to share with you!

This Saturday I helped my in-laws throw a garage sale which, contrary to all common sense, they decided NOT to advertise in the local papers. Then, just to tease the gods of fate even more, they only posted ONE sign for passing cars to see and so entice them to come and buy things at the garage sale. Where did they post the sign, you ask?

Would you believe on the corner of a dead end street?!

But enough about the Great Garage Fiasco of ’04, let’s move on to the Hilariously Shameful Car Ride of ’04. On Sunday I went to a family barbecue where I needed to drive 2 hours to the middle of nowhere Long Island with my grandma and grandpa, who have not gone that long without a bathroom break in about six years. As we’re driving up there my grandpa kept up a constant barrage of complaints that were broken only by his attempts to dislodge the world’s largest clump of phlegm from deep down in his gullet. It was the sound I imagine a sick dog coughing up a wet cat coughing up a giant hairball would make.

No, I take that back. This sound was wetter.

At one point grandpa stopped complaining long enough to toss out this little gem that will live with me forever, “You know, I’m only talking to keep myself alive.” I laughed so hard I cried, and then I laughed some more. The barbeque was wonderful, but it was the ride home I was dreading, and for good reason. On the way home, poor grandpa couldn’t hold his water for the whole trip and thus commanded my grandmother to hand him “The Cup”.

Oh yeah, he did. And my car has leather seats.

So, here I am barreling down the Long Island Expressway at 85mph and in my head is the following prayer;

Oh, Lords of Sky and Earth, please hear my plea. Let the road be smooth and his aim be true because if he misses and pees on my car I’m going to kill him.

So, of course, we hit a bump.

Grandpa:
“Whoa! Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.”

GeekMan:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm. Wow, I don’t think my pants have been this wet since I was a baby.”

Grandma:
“Shut up! You don’t have to say anything! They wouldn’t know if you kept your big mouth shut!”

Grandpa:
“What? You think they won’t smell it when it’s all over the back of HoBiscuit’s seat?”

HoBiscuit:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandma:
“Shut up, you idiot! I would have wiped it off before they knew! You and your big mouth!”

Grandpa:
“I don’t hide my mistakes! How can I when I’m seen in public with you?!”

Grandma:
“You drive me crazy. Why haven’t you put that thing away yet?”

Grandpa:
“I think I’ve got to go again. Give me back The Cup.”

Grandma:
“With how you treat me, it would serve you right if I just let you piss yourself…”

GeekMan & HoBiscuit:
“Give him the cup! GIVE HIM THE CUP!!!”

Everyone:
“…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm…”

Ask Bread 02

• by GeekMan • In Ask Bread •   1

This week’s first question is from Solonor, who writes;

Dear Bread,
When you get toasted and fall down in the gutter, do you land butter-side-up?
Curious Fan in Orlando

Dear Curious,
Ya’ know, it’s funny you should ask me that. It used to be that the joker who runs this pathetic site would threaten to put me in the toaster whenever he got mad at me, but that all ended the day I used some experimental asbestos-butter on my crusty body and now I’m immune to toaster threats. Now, if you were somehow implying that I was some sort a’ drunk or something, then frick you up your poop-shoot because I’ve been on the wagon for the last six months. That’s right, ever since the day I woke up next to that old fruitcake in New Orleans without my wallet or any memory of how I got there or even the fruitcakes fricking name.

Embarrassing and uncomfortable do not do that scenario justice.

As for what happens whenever I’m feeling sexy and cover myself in butter and fall down, well… it’s a scientific fact that I land on my buttered puss. Don’t laugh, do you have any idea how difficult and time consuming it is to get lint off of a buttered piece of bread? Especially when you ain’t got no fricking hands?

—————

Carly Tremblay, who ain’t got no website, asks;

Dear Bread,
I’m an avid reader of The Mighty Geek’s blog and I was wondering if you knew why i wanted to marry him so badly. I’ve had dreams of his sweet, geeky body laying next to mine after passionate Geek sex. Please shine all of your wisdom down to me.
Thank You,
Horny and in love with The Mighty Geek

Dear Horny and Fricking Stupid,
You’re a fricking idiot. First of all, you’re an idiot for reading this stupid site because it isn’t worth your fricking time. Secondly, I don’t know if you were dropped on your head too many times as a kid or if you wuz just born retarded, but if you’re in love with GeekMan da’ Loser then you should just stick your empty head in the oven and call it a day. Hey, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, there ain’t no GeekMan. That’s right, he don’t exist. He’s just a figment of my imagination, a made up product of my unleavened mind after I took too many dips in some bad olive oil a few years ago.

Italian restaurants still give me flashbacks.

Now, if what you’re looking for is sex with someone who’ll play your body’s pleasure points like a fine-tuned instrument, then you can send me a picture of yourself covered in butter and if you ain’t too ugly, then maybe I’ll show you a good time. At the very least I’ll add your picture to my collection of wacky porn crap to butter up to on my computer, and that should make you happy. This way I can “shine all of my wisdom down to you” whenever I’m feeling lonely and I won’t have to put up with hearing you talk afterwards.

Dress sexy and put a stick o’ butter between your mammary glands, then take a picture and send it to: bread at the might geek dot com. You’ll thank me later.

—————

That’s it for this week, losers. Keep sending in those questions though, because although there’s nothing I enjoy more than making GeekMan look like a jackhole, making his readership hate him and love me comes in a very close second. And I know for a fact that you all fricking adore me.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m all that and a bag of croutons, be-yatch!

The Wrong Date

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

An open letter to the woman having lunch at the Tomato Café.

Dear Madam,

I’m normally not the type of man who intrudes upon a stranger’s life, especially when said stranger is a young lady apparently out on a date with a man she appears to be very attracted to, but in this instance I find myself compelled to speak my mind and the emotional discomfort of strangers be damned.

Please excuse my French.

With that said, let me tell you a tale of a young man who walked the streets of the Big City in search of a feast to fill his empty belly. Our hero wandered through the hot city streets until his brow was covered in sweat in search of his midday meal, and yet though he searched high and low for an inexpensive yet tasty meal, his quest remained unfulfilled. Although he had been searching for a quarter of an hour for his repast, he had yet to find a sustenance that would satisfy the monster that lived within his belly and the tight-fisted little green gremlin that dwelled in his wallet.

Oh, how he loathed that little green guy.

Now, I should mention here that our hero did indeed find nourishment that satisfied both his belly-beast and the green gremlin, but since his luncheon meal of a Taco Bell Mexican Pizza and two tacos for $4.99 is not pertinent to the story at hand, let us just say that although his immediate need for a cheap and tasty meal was met he did later regret his choice of nourishment as he sat upon his porcelain throne.

Especially when he realized he was out of toilet paper.

What is pertinent however, is the fact that during his search for nourishment on the Big City streets, our hero passed by the windows of a restaurant called The Tomato Café. It was here that our hero saw you, dear lady, sitting at your table facing the street and eating your grilled chicken salad. You were wearing a white blouse and a pink, or light red skirt, and you had your feet propped up on the windowsill as you laughed at some joke your date must have told you. Everyone on the street was stopping to look at you through the window, so beautiful and full of life. So charming. So happy.

So utterly clueless that you were showing the world your coochie.

Now, while it is true that our hero had no true desire to see the private parts that were on public display, once he became aware of it, it became virtually impossible for him to turn away. In his defense, it must be said that our hero was not spellbound simply because he was viewing the coochie of a strange woman through a glass partition during his lunch break without paying for it, because that’s not the full story. You see, even though he did stand around for a full thirty seconds staring through that window, it wasn’t your coochie that held him rooted to the spot.

It was your underwear.

Your pink underwear with the cute little puppy on them, to be exact. But even this is only part of the truth, because although your underwear might have been noteworthy in and of itself, it was the big, bold, blue glittered word written underneath the cute puppy that held our hero’s attention for the thirty seconds that he stared at your coochie through the window. And when our hero finally did turn away to continue his search for food, he could be seen shaking his head in bemused disbelief as he muttered over and over;

“Friday?! But that doesn’t make sense. Today is Wednesday!”

Regards,
GeekMan

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Seething Hatred

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   4

I hate Mirna.

I’m not exactly sure why I hate her as much as I do, especially since I am not the kind of person who actually believes that the way people seem on TV are the way they are in real life, but… well, I still hate her. I mean, for some odd reason everything about her annoys the hell out of me. Her voice, her face, her whining, her general attitude, everything about her just makes me want to grab a fistful of wet noodles and slap her silly. I especially want to smack her with a cod fish whenever she manages to cajole some clueless pedestrian into helping her when she would otherwise fail in the tasks set before her.

Like the whole meat-carrying fiasco.

One of the tasks set before the contestants was that they had to carry a gigantic hunk of raw beef from one butcher shop to another shop about one mile away. Now, I enjoy meat as much as the next guy, but when the hunk of meat is raw, weighs about 100lbs., and needs to be carried a long distance in the hot sun by hand then I can sympathize with whoever the poor schmo is who’s carrying it. However, I have no sympathy at all for whiners who depend on other people to do things for them instead of doing it for themselves.

Which brings me back to Mirna.

You see, instead of carrying the beef to the butcher herself, Mirna first cried to her partner Charna, who is a midget mind you, until she attempted to carry the beef which was bigger than her! When that proved too difficult for the small one, instead of picking up the beef herself, Mirna cried to strangers on the street until she managed to find a guy dumb enough to carry it FOR her! Then, and this is the real kicker, she got mad at the world because, “Nobody would help us find the butcher shop.” and they walked three blocks out of their way.

I swear, if she wins I’m going to cut out her eyes with a spork.

Book Of The Dead

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   2

A little bit of advice.

Should you ever come across an old diary while cleaning your home whatever you do, do NOT open it. Should you somehow find yourself overcome with curiosity and thus unable to refrain from opening the diary, do NOT read it. If, by some freak accident of sight, you then discover that you’re actually reading the diary and the first entry begins with, “I can’t believe she left me for him when she found out I couldn’t afford it.” Do NOT call the wife over and read the entry out loud to her. Instead, put the diary down, douse it and yourself with gasoline, light a match and enjoy the warmth. Because when your wife turns to you with a jealous look and asks, “Who is ‘she’, what is ‘it’ and why were you in love with this whore in the first place?” you’ll have no one to blame for your weekend of torture and pain but yourself. And if you don’t like sleeping on the couch because it hurts your back well, it’s a hell of a lot less painful than sleeping next to an angry wife.

You have been warned.

Riddle Me This

• by GeekMan • In Ask Bread •   3

Welcome to the first installment of Ask Geeky Bread!

Over the last two days my inbox has been deluged with a virtual rainstorm of questions from you, my loyal readership. Because of the huge amount of questions I’ve received, and also because I’m very tired and it’s very late, I’ve decided to hand over the whole operation to Bread and let him deal with all these wacky questions. I’m sorry to spring this on all of you like this, but Bread’s insisting that I let him do something around here or he’s going to make my life even more miserable than it is now.

And although I can’t imagine what he could do, he swears it won’t be pleasant.

Because he seems to think that he has some sort of life beyond this website, Bread’s also going to limit his answers to just two questions for this first installment of Ask Geeky Bread!. This weeks questions have been selected randomly from my inbox and if Bread’s answers should offend one of you, well… I don’t really think Bread cares.

So, without further delay, let’s get knowledgeable!

Sharon, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes;

Dear GeekMan Bread,
I love your site and am hoping that you can help me. I’ve been single for a long time and have prayed every night for a new man to come into my life and make me feel complete, but so far the Lord hasn’t answered me. Where can I find someone who will make me happy for the rest of my life?
Sharon
P.S. Please keep me anonymous.

Dear Loser Named Sharon,

I don’t usually play the matchmaker, especially for losers like you, but you know what, Sharon? I think I may have found the perfect man for you. He’s a loving, generous, caring and forgiving man who’s always been sympathetic to the needs of everyone around him with never a thought for himself. If you like to party, he’s always throwing big dinner soirées and doing simple magic tricks to keep his guests entertained between courses. And even though he was born in a barn and raised on a farm he still loves to walk the city streets and just hang out all night. If you think he might be the one for you, you can visit his website and contact him yourself, but be warned; his father can be a little intimidating to those he doesn’t like.

On the other hand Sharon, maybe you’re just too fricking ugly to ever find a man and should just give up and start looking outside your species. I’m not saying that I’d sleep with ya, but I know a guy who has a friend who works in a zoo and he says that the silver back gorillas ain’t too picky.

JadedJu asks;

Dear MightyMan MightyBread:
Should I pursue the woman who flirts mercilessly with me, although she lives with her partner of three years? Especially if I’m really attracted to her? Even if I know morally it’s wrong?
Love and Kisses,
The Jaded One

Dear Jaded One,

When faced with this confusing moral dilemma I usually tell people to remember that anyone who cheats in order to be with them now will probably be willing to cheat on them later. However, since you are obviously a desperate woman willing to sacrifice pride, self esteem and moral fortitude in order to finally end her Sahara-like sexual dry spell, I will instead educate you on the finer points of successfully stealing a lover without losing friends and still coming off as the innocent good-guy while the relationships around you dissolve into seething jealousy and vicious hatred. There are three steps to doing this and they are as follows:

  1. First, seduce the partner of the person you actually want to be with. Male or female, straight or gay, once you’ve charmed them into doing so little as smile warmly at you from across a crowded room in full view of their lover they’re as good as gone.
  2. Next, tell the person you want to be with that their lover has been coming on to you, or groping you, or visually raping you, or stealing into your home to wear your underwear, and that as a “friend” you thought they should know that their lover was a sicko, cheating, lying, dirty whore that didn’t deserve to be with such a wonderful, smart, exciting, hot and sexy person like themselves
  3. Now, when the person you want to be with starts crying on your “friendly” and supportive shoulder over their horrible choice of lover, stick your tongue in their mouth and your hand down their pants and show them just how good a “friend” you can be in their time of need. In the morning, after they’ve had the best sex of their lives and have forgotten all about whatstherename, they’ll be thrilled to be your love slave forever and you shall never want for human companionship ever again.

Or you could just buy a companion and call it a day.

So there you have it, the first two questions ever answered for Ask Geeky Bread! Now all of you out there should be racking your empty, fricking brains trying to come up with other questions for me to answer or I’ll come over to your house and poop in your shoes. Don’t be shy and don’t delay, send those questions with the subject line “The Mighty Question” to the loser who runs this site, geekman at the mighty geek dot com and I’ll be sure to give you an answer you won’t never forget!

What’re you waiting for? Start asking!
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