Author: GeekMan

Keep behind me. There’s no sense in getting killed by a plant.

• by GeekMan • In Guest Writer •   4

Here at Nerd Central there are a few things that we do very well. Then there are those that we avoid like the plague. (We don’t really avoid the plague. It’s just that it never has nice things to say when it visits, so we don’t call it over for dinner like we used to.)

Anyway, one of those things is yard work. Yes, it’s true. I suck at yard work. I suck so bad that the kids in the neighborhood are calling me Sucky McYardsuck. I just don’t appreciate the finer points of ripping plant life out of its nice warm bed just so another one can take its spot. The lawn mower is too loud and gives me a headache. The pool stays green no matter how many thousands of dollars of toxic chemicals I put into it. And did I mention that there are vicious animals like ants and mosquitoes and frogs out there? *shudder*

Well, thanks to the mess our good friend Charley made, we have no choice. God smote our fence so the neighbors could see our crappy yard. God’s like my mother sitting up there going, “You can’t let your neighbors see this mess! What’s next? A ’64 Chevy up on blocks? I’ve let you get away with this for too long. Get out there and clean things up this instant, young man, or I’ll turn off your cable modem for good!”

So, this was week two of Project Love Canal, and I am happy to report that things are shaping up nicely. We’ll soon be able to go into the back yard with the kind of confidence reserved for those who don’t have giant, mutant vine monsters, ready to wrap their spiney tentacles around their throats, constantly lurking just outside their door and waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting victim who just wanted to see why the busty cheerleader chick and the football captain hadn’t come back inside after we told them we should all stick together when we found out the fricking phone lines were cut!

It’s not so bad, really. Since I had the good fortune to marry into brains, my spouse suggested that we do it in small chunks, just an hour or two every Saturday morning. In no time at all, we shall have a yard that makes all the girls come over with milkshakes. Or something like that.

Send Help!

• by GeekMan • In Guest Writer •   2

Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello?

Dang it! He planned it this way, so that all three of his readers would be out of town at the same time. Curses!

Oh well, for posterity’s sake, I’ll relate how I got stuck inside this fricking blog. Someday when they dig through the remains of the internet, the alien invaders that will have taken over the planet by then will know of my fate. (And care about as much as you do, I suppose. *sigh*)

It all started on November 7, 2002. That’s when Geekman left the following comment on my blog:

Bread is upset about not being designated Overlord of an Evil Minion Master Day. When I patiently explained to him that in order to become one he would have to overthrow the current Overlord, he issued the following statement;

‘I challenge Michele and Bill to a no-holds barred Bikini wrestling match in my personal Honey Filled Cage of Rage for Minion Master rights on their designated days. Winner rules all. Call Ticketmaster for tickets and showtimes.’

Needless to say, neither one of them took Bread up on his offer. He blamed me, of course. And ever since that day, his rage has burned deep in the pit of his dark, yeast-filled heart. He vowed never to rest until I was toast.

He finally found his opportunity this week. Pretending to be my friend Geekman, he asked me to come over and blogsit for him. I thought it odd that he’d need someone to keep this sorry place warm. But I really should have known something was wrong when he asked me to bring a roll of duct tape and an 8×10 color glossy of David Gates…

Instead, I blithely wandered into his clutches. And now I sit here typing meaningless words into a useless blog, hoping against hope that someone out there will read them. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s no different than any other day, but that’s not the point! The point is that Bread won’t let me go until a pair of beautiful volunteers agree to a no-holds barred Bikini wrestling match in my his personal Honey Filled Cage of Rage.

Anyone?

Rats.

Break

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   4

I’m moving.

And since I’m moving I’m not going to be able to update as often as I would like so, for the first time ever, I’m handing over the keys to TMG to some friends of mine. They’ll be trying to keep all three of my visitors from abandoning me during my absence. And hopefully they’ll be more entertaining than I’ve ever been and everyone will come back to visit TMG even after I take over again.

But I’m not holding my breath.

Anywaste, I hope everyone has a wonderful two weeks while I’m offline. I’ll be back on Septemeber 7th with what I’m sure will be a boatload of new and funny stories to tell about moving, kitchen remodeling, contractors, family and, lest we forget, my brother’s wedding.

Have fun kids!
GeekMan

P.S. – Bread’s betting that TMG will get more visitors while I’m away than I’ve ever gotten before which will only prove to the world just how big a loser I really am.

…

Crap. I think he’s right.

Ask Bread 05

• by GeekMan • In Ask Bread •   4

Ho-hum.

I’ve entered my second month of trying to save GeekMan’s dying website with my Ask Bread! feature and I couldn’t be more bored. No one’s sent me pictures of themselves nekkid and covered in butter yet, not even Michele and she’s usually the first freak on the net to whip out her mammaries for a good cause.

Maybe if I claimed to have a penicillin infection?

Anywaste, let’s get right to this weeks stupid questions. Mike, who’s obviously never been here before, asks;

Bread,
How does a blog owner become as cool and as widely popular as you?
Mike, King of CSS

Mike,
You shouldn’t come here and insult me like that. First off, I don’t own this stupid site. This site stinks; no one ever visits, it’s boring and it’s so unfunny that it’s used as an example of how to screw up being funny in clown school. If I owned this site I’d remove it from the web, nuke the server farm that hosted it and then find the guy who owned the server farm and kill him, just in case. But, in the off-chance you really do want to become famous, here’s a list of what you need to do to become a massively popular and universally loved web site writer. Learn them. Love them. Live them.

Solonor, who keeps coming back here no matter how many restraining orders I get, asks;

Dear Bread,
A two-part question:
1. Which wine do you suggest for the candlelight dinner when the power goes out tomorrow?
2. Can you predict the future? Will I still be here to read your stupid reply tomorrow? Or will I have been blown into the southern Atlantic by Hurricane Charley?
Sincerely,
Hatches Battener in Florida

Dear Hatches,

Yer trying to sneak in a bunch of questions, ain’tcha? Well, two can play that game. Your first question is one of the dumbest I’ve ever been asked. Everyone knows that the proper wine for a blackout is red wine ‘cause you don’t gotta put it in da fridge. I suggest you buy your wine in boxes because I know that’s your favorite type of wine, you fricking wine connoisseur, you. Here’s the answers to your second question;
Yes.
Yes, unfortunately.
No, unfortunately.
Oh, and don’t forget to put on your house’s parking brake or you’ll wake up tomorrow on I95.

Schmuck.

Lastly, GeekMan wants everyone to know that he and his wife are selling half their house in an effort to start fresh in their brand new home. So, if you’ve ever been pathetic enough to dream of one day being just like GeekMan, now’s your chance to actually own some of his crap! If you want to know what they’re selling you can check out their listing on Craig’s List and click on the link for pictures of their crap. And if you want some of their useless junk, write him and he’ll be so ecstatic to talk to you that I’m sure he’ll even write you back. And don’t worry; he’s much nicer than I am.

Cause he’s a SAP!

I’m Still Sick

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   1

And you still don’t care.

But don’t cry for me, Argentina. My life isn’t so bad. I’ve got a fast internet connection, a cupboard full of Cup ‘O Noodles and a tv that loves me no matter how many times my nose has a sudden flash-flood and liquid snot drips out before I can reach the tissue box.

Whoops! That one was a tsunami.

Anywaste, while I’m laying about killing time until this cold/infestation works its way through my system YOU should be sending in your questions to Bread so he can ridicule you with innane and insulting answers tomorrow. Just send an email with the subject line, “The Mighty Question” to bread at the mighty geek dot com.

Oh, and ladies? His invitation still stands.

The Bright Side

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   2

I think I might be a little sick.

I hate it when I’m slightly sick. You know, not so sick that I can’t work, but sick enough that I don’t want to? I’m not really sweating, I’m just slightly clammy to the touch and while I don’t have the chills exactly, I do break out in goose bumps every thirty seconds when I feel a breeze. The worst thing about being only a little unwell is that you don’t get any sympathy. But you do know what the best thing about being just a wee bit sick is, right?

That’s right; I’ve got my sexy voice again!

You Know You Want It

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   5

He who dies with the most toys, wins.

So, you wish you had a video game system as ‘leet as mine but every time you go to the ATM you realize that you don’t have a bazillion dollars to spend to get it? Well, don’t sit there crying about how unfair the world is! Get up off your keister and sell your soul, and the souls of up to 5 of your close friends, to Lord Satan and you too can get some or all of your dream home theater for FREE!

Plus shipping and handling.

For example; let’s say you wish you had your very own video gaming system but can’t seem to save the shillings necessary to buy one. Well now, thanks to the kind people at Gratis Internet, you can have one for free! Just go to Free Video Games dot com, fill out the soul-purchasing form on their website, sign up for one of their offers that will take you a lifetime to get released from, and then agree to accept any and all spam for the rest of your natural life.

Oh, and get five more idiots friends to do the same.

What’s that you say? You don’t want a regular, plain old X-Box? You say that in order to make selling your soul, and the souls of a few friends, worthwhile you want to have a special, limited edition X-Box? Something no one else on the planet would ever knowingly allow into their home? Preferably in ugly, puke-ish neon green? Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?!

Free Green Machine has got you covered!

And now you’re probably wondering how useful a brand new free X-Box will be when you don’t even have a game to play, right? Well, don’t you get yourself into a lather because Get The Game Free has a surprise for you!

That’s right! A Free Limited Collector’s Edition Halo 2 game!

Oh, but now I bet you’re thinking, “I’ve got this fricking awesome machine and the most awesomely great game ever, but I don’t have a TV to play it on.” Don’t you fret because you can get yourself a free TV or flat panel LCD screen over at Free Flat Screens!

I bet your sporting wood now, huh?

But wait, as the late night commercials say, there’s more! Shock. Gasp. What if you really wanted a surround-sound system to compliment your free home theater? Well, I thought you’d never ask! Now, while it’s true that the people over at Gifts For Nothing aren’t guaranteeing you a free surround-sound system, they are giving you the chance to win one! And really, what’s better than getting an entire home theater gaming system for the low, low price of your, and a few of your friends’, souls?

Nothing, that’s what. Absolutely nothing.

Aneurisms Are Hard

• by GeekMan • In HoBiscuit, Home Ownership •   4

HoBiscuit and I painted our new bathroom this weekend.

GeekMan:
“OK Honey, we’re going to start by doing all the prep work…”

HoBiscuit:
“What does that mean?”

GeekMan:
“Well, we’ll remove the light fixtures, the mirrors and all the other stuff we don’t want to get paint on. Then we’ll sand down the walls and wipe them down to remove dust and dirt, and then we’ll tape off the areas we don’t want to paint.”

HoBiscuit:
“That sounds like a lot of work. Can’t we just paint like they do on Queer Eye?”

GeekMan:
“No.”

[ten minutes later]

HoBiscuit:
“‘Prepping’ is hard. I’m going to sit down.”

GeekMan:
“I can already tell this is going to be a looooong day.”

Continue reading →

Ask Bread 04

• by GeekMan • In Ask Bread •   1

It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for Ask Bread!

Luanne, another anonymous idiot, asks;

Dear Bread,
Why doesn’t this site get updated every day like other sites? Sometime’s days go by without anything new. I bet you’d be more popular if you wrote every day, especially about your grandpa. He’s funny.
Luanne

Luanne,
I will only use small words because you must be an idiot. No one with a brain reads this site. No one. If you like to read GeekMan’s stupid words, and actually check every day for new stories, then you either ride the short bus or should be riding it. No matter what he does GeekMan will never, ever, be popular, even if he only wrote about his grandpa’s funniest bowel movements from now until doomsday. So why don’t you go to the doctor, get a new brain and get yourself a real fricking life, ok? Loser.

HoBiscuit, GeekMan’s ‘fictional’ wife, wrote;

Lazy Bastard,
Did you clean the house yet? Did you do the laundry like I asked? If you’re Blogging instead of doing what I told you to do again then you’re a dead man. And don’t forget to hang dry my bras. If you turn them pink again I’ll kill you.
Love,
HoBiscuit

Dearest Love of GeekMan’s Life,
No. No. Sharpen your knives. He forgot. I hope you like tie-dye underwear.

——————

And there you have it, another wonderful installment of Ask Bread! If you’ve got a question for Bread send an email with the subject “The Mighty Question” to: bread at the mighty geek dot com. You can ask him anything, anything at all, and he promises to give you the answer you deserve. And ladies, he’s still waiting for you to send in that picture you have of yourself covered in melted butter, so don’t delay and send it today. Huh? What? What?! You mean to tell me that you don’t have a picture of yourself covered in melted butter to send to Bread?

Well, what are you waiting for? An invitation?

Not Bitter At All

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   4

Someone at Amazon has been busy.

When I visited Amazon today I was greeted with a brand new feature they’re beta testing called a Plog. Not quite sure what to make of this bastardization of the word Blog, I clicked on their little link to the ‘About Plogs’ page where I discovered that “The Plog™ Service provides a personalized blog for each Amazon.com customer.”

Well, put me in the corner and call me baby.

Further reading revealed that “Your Amazon.com Plog is a diary of events that will enhance your shopping experience, helping you discover products that have just been released, track changes to your orders, and many other things.” Well, as you can imagine I was thrilled to hear this because lord knows that all the wish lists, wedding registries, recommended items, personalized stores, favorite shopping pages and Amazon Gold Boxes just aren’t enough personalization features for me to be able to find and purchase the next trivial, throwaway summer read I’ve been just dying to buy.

But that isn’t the worst part.

You see, the worst part is that in order to help their clueless customers understand what a Blog is, Amazon has supplied a helpful list of “some of the best and most popular blogs” out there on the internet today. There are fifteen Blogs on that list, and while I guess they’re not the worst choices Amazon could have made to help show their customers what a Blog is, guess who didn’t make the cut? Go on, guess. Seriously, I bet you won’t guess who was left out of their little reindeer games even though he is the greatest blogger to ever grace the internet with his funny stories and self-depreciating humor. Go on, try to figure it out. Betcha can’t guess who. You know what? I don’t think you’re smart enough. You’ll never figure it out. Who do you think it is? Huh? Huh? Come on, guess. Guess already!

Oooo! Lucky guess.