At Least I Tried

20 random things I know but will never explain how I know that I know them.

1. Do not get toothpaste in your eyes. It stings.
2. Blowing on a dog’s face from a distance of 6 inches can be painful. To you.
3. Roaches really do shrug off microwave radiation.
4. Women cannot make a convincing machine gun noise.
5. Standing in the rain without an umbrella is not as cool as it looks in the movies.
6. No matter how careful you are, if you pick your nose in public someone will see you.
7. Pimples never go away, they just migrate south.
8. Twinkies do not need an expiration date. There’s nothing organic in them to expire.
9. School janitors know more about you than you will ever guess.
10. You do not want to know what happens in a Chinese food restaurant kitchen.
11. “Does this make me look fat?” can be loosely translated into man-speak as “Hold your tongue, shield your eyes and run! For the love of Pete,RUN!“
12. If someone is giving you directions and the first word out of their mouth is “Uh”, leave. They know nothing.
13. Eating five spicy tacos at 10pm and going to bed at 11 is bad.
14. If a street beggar has a pet, then they don’t deserve your good will. If they are eating their pet, then they deserve your charity.
15. Men will look under the hood whether they know anything about cars or not.
16. If something in your fridge has grown mold, scraping off the mold doesn’t make it safe to eat.
17. A woman can step into a strange room filled with people and tell you who’s doing what with whom in less than five minutes. A man can step into a strange room filled with people and in less than five minutes give you three alternate exits, two men they could beat up and point out at least four things that can be used as a weapon against invading ninjas.
18. Japanese animation is cool until you find yourself hiding your recent DVD purchases from your significant other.
19. Yes, your tongue really will stick to ice cold metal.
20. Sugar, caffeine, chocolate, yellow dye #5, salt, dead animal flesh and MSG make up the seven food groups. Oh, and supplement your diet with some rigorous exercise, like channel surfing or sleep marathons.

It’s a slow day. Sorry.