Ask Bread 05

Ho-hum.

I’ve entered my second month of trying to save GeekMan’s dying website with my Ask Bread! feature and I couldn’t be more bored. No one’s sent me pictures of themselves nekkid and covered in butter yet, not even Michele and she’s usually the first freak on the net to whip out her mammaries for a good cause.

Maybe if I claimed to have a penicillin infection?

Anywaste, let’s get right to this weeks stupid questions. Mike, who’s obviously never been here before, asks;

Bread,
How does a blog owner become as cool and as widely popular as you?
Mike, King of CSS

Mike,
You shouldn’t come here and insult me like that. First off, I don’t own this stupid site. This site stinks; no one ever visits, it’s boring and it’s so unfunny that it’s used as an example of how to screw up being funny in clown school. If I owned this site I’d remove it from the web, nuke the server farm that hosted it and then find the guy who owned the server farm and kill him, just in case. But, in the off-chance you really do want to become famous, here’s a list of what you need to do to become a massively popular and universally loved web site writer. Learn them. Love them. Live them.

Solonor, who keeps coming back here no matter how many restraining orders I get, asks;

Dear Bread,
A two-part question:
1. Which wine do you suggest for the candlelight dinner when the power goes out tomorrow?
2. Can you predict the future? Will I still be here to read your stupid reply tomorrow? Or will I have been blown into the southern Atlantic by Hurricane Charley?
Sincerely,
Hatches Battener in Florida

Dear Hatches,

Yer trying to sneak in a bunch of questions, ain’tcha? Well, two can play that game. Your first question is one of the dumbest I’ve ever been asked. Everyone knows that the proper wine for a blackout is red wine ‘cause you don’t gotta put it in da fridge. I suggest you buy your wine in boxes because I know that’s your favorite type of wine, you fricking wine connoisseur, you. Here’s the answers to your second question;
Yes.
Yes, unfortunately.
No, unfortunately.
Oh, and don’t forget to put on your house’s parking brake or you’ll wake up tomorrow on I95.

Schmuck.

Lastly, GeekMan wants everyone to know that he and his wife are selling half their house in an effort to start fresh in their brand new home. So, if you’ve ever been pathetic enough to dream of one day being just like GeekMan, now’s your chance to actually own some of his crap! If you want to know what they’re selling you can check out their listing on Craig’s List and click on the link for pictures of their crap. And if you want some of their useless junk, write him and he’ll be so ecstatic to talk to you that I’m sure he’ll even write you back. And don’t worry; he’s much nicer than I am.

Cause he’s a SAP!