Ask Bread 02

This week’s first question is from Solonor, who writes;

Dear Bread,
When you get toasted and fall down in the gutter, do you land butter-side-up?
Curious Fan in Orlando

Dear Curious,
Ya’ know, it’s funny you should ask me that. It used to be that the joker who runs this pathetic site would threaten to put me in the toaster whenever he got mad at me, but that all ended the day I used some experimental asbestos-butter on my crusty body and now I’m immune to toaster threats. Now, if you were somehow implying that I was some sort a’ drunk or something, then frick you up your poop-shoot because I’ve been on the wagon for the last six months. That’s right, ever since the day I woke up next to that old fruitcake in New Orleans without my wallet or any memory of how I got there or even the fruitcakes fricking name.

Embarrassing and uncomfortable do not do that scenario justice.

As for what happens whenever I’m feeling sexy and cover myself in butter and fall down, well… it’s a scientific fact that I land on my buttered puss. Don’t laugh, do you have any idea how difficult and time consuming it is to get lint off of a buttered piece of bread? Especially when you ain’t got no fricking hands?

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Carly Tremblay, who ain’t got no website, asks;

Dear Bread,
I’m an avid reader of The Mighty Geek’s blog and I was wondering if you knew why i wanted to marry him so badly. I’ve had dreams of his sweet, geeky body laying next to mine after passionate Geek sex. Please shine all of your wisdom down to me.
Thank You,
Horny and in love with The Mighty Geek

Dear Horny and Fricking Stupid,
You’re a fricking idiot. First of all, you’re an idiot for reading this stupid site because it isn’t worth your fricking time. Secondly, I don’t know if you were dropped on your head too many times as a kid or if you wuz just born retarded, but if you’re in love with GeekMan da’ Loser then you should just stick your empty head in the oven and call it a day. Hey, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, there ain’t no GeekMan. That’s right, he don’t exist. He’s just a figment of my imagination, a made up product of my unleavened mind after I took too many dips in some bad olive oil a few years ago.

Italian restaurants still give me flashbacks.

Now, if what you’re looking for is sex with someone who’ll play your body’s pleasure points like a fine-tuned instrument, then you can send me a picture of yourself covered in butter and if you ain’t too ugly, then maybe I’ll show you a good time. At the very least I’ll add your picture to my collection of wacky porn crap to butter up to on my computer, and that should make you happy. This way I can “shine all of my wisdom down to you” whenever I’m feeling lonely and I won’t have to put up with hearing you talk afterwards.

Dress sexy and put a stick o’ butter between your mammary glands, then take a picture and send it to: bread at the might geek dot com. You’ll thank me later.

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That’s it for this week, losers. Keep sending in those questions though, because although there’s nothing I enjoy more than making GeekMan look like a jackhole, making his readership hate him and love me comes in a very close second. And I know for a fact that you all fricking adore me.

Yeah, that’s right. I’m all that and a bag of croutons, be-yatch!