Aneurisms Are Hard

HoBiscuit and I painted our new bathroom this weekend.

GeekMan:
“OK Honey, we’re going to start by doing all the prep work…”

HoBiscuit:
“What does that mean?”

GeekMan:
“Well, we’ll remove the light fixtures, the mirrors and all the other stuff we don’t want to get paint on. Then we’ll sand down the walls and wipe them down to remove dust and dirt, and then we’ll tape off the areas we don’t want to paint.”

HoBiscuit:
“That sounds like a lot of work. Can’t we just paint like they do on Queer Eye?”

GeekMan:
“No.”

[ten minutes later]

HoBiscuit:
“‘Prepping’ is hard. I’m going to sit down.”

GeekMan:
“I can already tell this is going to be a looooong day.”

[about an hour later]

HoBiscuit:
“OK, we’ve ‘prepped’ the room. Now what?”

GeekMan:
“Now we can start laying down the first coat of primer…

HoBiscuit:
“That means painting, right?

GeekMan:
“Yes. First we start by cutting along the edges…”

HoBiscuit:
“What?! How are we supposed to do that? We don’t even have a saw…”

GeekMan:
“Huh? Wait, you’re getting confused. When I say ‘cutting’ I mean we’ll be brushing paint onto the areas the roller won’t reach. Like corners and stuff.”

HoBiscuit:
“Well, that’s still painting, right?”

GeekMan:
“Technically, yes. But the proper term for painting the edges is called ‘cutting’.”

HoBiscuit:
“That’s stupid. If we’re going to be painting then call it painting and stop trying to show off by using terminology I don’t know.”

GeekMan:
“But Honey, it’s called cutting…”

HoBiscuit:
“Don’t start with me. From now on it’s called painting, so get used to it and stop being so superior, ok?”

GeekMan:
“Sigh. Let’s just start painting all the corners and stuff, ok?”

HoBiscuit:
“Fine. And if you roll your eyes at me again I’ll paint you upside your head.”

[five minutes later]

HoBiscuit:
“Painting corners and stuff is hard. Time for a break.”

GeekMan [muttering]:
“How about my neck?”

[about 15 minutes later]

HoBiscuit:
“What are you doing now?”

GeekMan:
“Well, I need to cover the walls with primer before the areas we cut… I mean painted, dry; otherwise they won’t blend in properly and will look bad when we’re done.”

HoBiscuit:
“So when are we going to get to the real painting?”

GeekMan:
“Well, since the people who owned this place before us used this hideous avocado green in here, I think we’re going to need a second coat of primer before we can put on the first coat of paint…”

HoBiscuit:
“Waiting to paint is hard. I think I’ll go take a nap.”

GeekMan:
“Killing you is like self defense. No jury would convict me, I’d be a hero.”

[two hours later]

HoBiscuit:
“So, we’ve painted on primer and it’s finally dry. NOW can we start with the real painting?”

GeekMan:
“Yes, O Impatient One, we can start with the real painting now. And just as we did when we primed the walls we must first cut, or paint, all the corners and stuff.”

HoBiscuit:
“You know what? This is too hard. It’s nothing like on the TV shows. In fact, painting sucks butt. I hate painting.”

GeekMan:
“How would you know painting sucks?! You haven’t painted anything!”

HoBiscuit:
“…”

GeekMan:
“Oh. Crap.”

So, in case you were wondering, a paintbrush in your butt does hurt. A lot.