An Open Letter To The Phone Company

To Whom It May Concern:

Salutations _________, you heartless, incompetent, unfathomably vast, leviathan of a phone company. I am a customer who has become so angry at your entire organization, and your laughingly incompetent customer service in particular, that I’m now forced to give you the written equivalent of a Tonya Harding baseball bat to the knees.

My name is ___________ and I hate you.

I’m fully aware that you are such a colossally monstrous entity that, in all likelihood, you have no idea who I am or why I hate you. Please bear with me a little longer and I will try my best to explain using small words so that even your CEO will comprehend my meaning.

Should he come across a word he doesn’t understand I’m sure he can look it up on his Speak-N-Spell.

Being the cynic that I am, I really don’t believe that this letter will ever be read by an actual human being. However, should a living, breathing person within your company somehow find this letter in their hands, I can only pray that they will have the intelligence and insight to bring it to the attention of someone with the power to actually do something about it.

However, seeing as how most of your employees have the intelligence of a parakeet with a brain tumor, my hopes are not high.

Let me state now for the record that if someone does read this and decides that the answer to the problem is to send me an automated response of the “We’re sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for bringing your problem(s) to our attention” variety, then please don’t bother wasting your stamp or my time. Such a form letter will only serve to further incite me and someone might get hurt.

And no one wants that, now do we?

First, let’s start with the extra phone line I had installed in my home office over 4 years ago, which is used solely for connecting to the internet. If you were to say my internet connection was sub-par in performance that would be an understatement of massive proportions. I am running a home business which relies on a solid, fast and clean connection to the internet at all times and yet, my phone line is so weak, slow and dirty that it performs like an 80 year old street walker with osteoporosis.

You want some proof? I’m glad you asked.

Here is a screen shot of the absolute BEST performing internet connection I have been able to receive in my four and a half years of living with this phone line. Keep in mind that my usual connection is HALF this.

The above connection speeds are regardless of computer, modem type or time of day the connection is attempted. Now, I grant you a 26k connection was fast in its day, that day being sometime in the internets Mesozoic era, but in today’s world such speeds are simply unacceptable. Surfing the web under these conditions is the equivalent of watching a Hollywood blockbuster movie using a tiny, 12” diagonal, black and white TV.

Suggestion #1: Take your heads out of your collective asses and embrace the 21st century.

When I call customer services to seek a remedy for my anemic internet connection, I am told that as long as I can make a connection of any kind your company has fulfilled its contractual obligation to me. I am further informed, in the manner of a frustrated owner scolding a mentally handicapped puppy, that if I wish to have a faster connection I should speak with the DSL division and stop tying up the phone lines with my petty complaints.

Suggestion #2: All customer service reps who fail to treat your customers with courteously and respect should be publicly flogged with a fiber optic lash and then fed to starving, rabid llamas.

After being transferred to the DSL division and waiting on hold for no less than 40 minutes, I am told that I cannot possibly have a DSL connection. When I ask why, I am shocked to be given an answer that defies comprehension. Apparently, someone has a T1 connection further up the pipe from me and your ‘technicians’ are unable and/or unwilling to work around it. Therefore, my entire neighborhood is out of luck when it comes to DSL.

Suggestion #3: Teach your ‘technicians’ how to do technical things, like splice wires and create crossover patches.

My home phone, which is the one I use to actually make phone calls with, is just as bad. Whenever I use my cordless phone to make or receive a call I am assaulted to the point of bleeding from my ears by a cacophony of pops, whistles, shrieks and clicks. This aural beat-down can also be heard by the caller on incoming calls and most of the time they get so frustrated that they simply hang up.

I don’t know how much business I may have lost due to my inability to simply answer my phone.

I have had the pleasure of demonstrating this behavior to several of your reps on many different occasions. After confirming the effect their solution was both simple and awe inspiring. In every case they suggested I discontinue use of my cordless phone and buy a ‘regular’ corded handset.

Suggestion #4: If the customer has a valid complaint of sub par performance on your part, fix the goddamn problem. Do not shift the blame to someone or something else simply because it’s easier than doing something constructive.

I could continue, but why bother? I doubt that you will ever change, except for the worse, because you are a local monopoly and have become drunk with your power and influence. Being a ‘little guy’ I have no other phone company to which to turn and find comfort. And even should I switch local carriers, the physical lines are still yours and therefore subject to your control. I am thus forced to remain in the deathlike grip of your organizations fat, callous, coldhearted and unsympathetic hands while my bank account withers on the vine and my business slowly dies.

I hope you’re happy.

For all the above reasons and many more besides I feel that I cannot possibly understate my displeasure in your organization’s service and support. Other than this letter, I don’t know of a better way to inform you of just how bitter, angry, frustrated and upset I am with a corporate structure which allows for such an utter lack of anything resembling customer satisfaction. If you were a schoolyard bully I would wish a pox upon you and your entire, extended family.

My name is ___________ and I hate you.

Sincerely,