An Open Letter To My New Neighbors

Dear Fellow Neighbors,

According to an official email from the sanitation department, I was supposed to place my old air-conditioners outside of my apartment the night before my recyclable collection day so that the CFC’s could be safely removed and the ac’s properly disposed of. The normal recycle day for this block is Wednesday, so naturally, I assumed that meant I should place my ac’s on the curb Tuesday night with the rest of the recyclables. Being a responsible citizen, I did as I was bid, and fully expected that everything would be taken care of without any further problems.

But, as we all know, that was wishful thinking.

After placing my ac’s outside my building on Tuesday evening I went to sleep. On Wednesday morning, at 4:38am to be exact, there was somebody outside the building, banging on the ac’s with what sounded like a sledgehammer. At 5:46am, over one hour later, the banging finally ended when one of you helpfully screamed, among other things, “Shut the hell up, you jackhole!” After the banging ended, all I could think to myself was, “Damn, they sure did take their sweet time to get out the CFC’s!” When I left the house later on that morning and noticed that the ac’s were still on the curb I just assumed that they would be picked up with my recyclables later that evening.

Ever the optimist, am I not?

So, now it’s Thursday morning and those two wretched monstrosities are still here. Like ugly blights upon my very existence, they refuse to be exorcised from my life. Calling the sanitation department this morning, I was told by the very bored and mentally sloth-like creature on the other end of the line that there had been a miscommunication. He patiently explained to me, in small, single-syllable words so I would be sure to understand him, that I was supposed to have put my ac’s out on Monday evening for a Tuesday morning CFC collection and Tuesday evening garbage collection. Apparently, my email confirmation had been incorrect in telling me to place them on the curb with my garbage on Tuesday evening, and I should have known this somehow and called the department to get the correct information.

Say what?!?

I was also told that the banging that had so rudely awakened myself and the rest of my new neighborhood was most likely a roving bum looking to remove the Freon from the ac units to resell at garages for cash. I would now have to take the ac’s back into my apartment and put them back out next Monday to try the whole thing again. If I left them outside, then I would be ticketed and fined.

Son of a…

So, in the hopes of not becoming public enemy numero uno in my new neighborhood, I am hereby offering an apology to everyone within earshot of my apartment. I’m sorry about all the noise yesterday morning and I apologize profusely for any inconvenience those two unsightly curb-warts cause you in your daily stroll past my building. Rest assured that as soon as my friend gets here to help me, we will remove them from the curb until next Monday evening when, like magic, they will reappear for 24 hours before disappearing once more into the ether, never to be seen again.

In conclusion, I’m really sorry and please don’t hate me because it’s not my fault.

So, now that I’ve explained myself and the whole situation, could whoever it is who keeps pouring Freon all over my doorway and nailing the This Is A Neighborhood Not A Landfill, STOOPID sign on my door, please stop? It’s not funny.

Really, it’s not.