I was on a ship called The Dripping Faucet.
I didn’t remember boarding the ship and I didn’t have any idea why I was on it, but for some reason I didn’t question that I was definitely on a ship in the middle of the turbulent sea and that my actions would lead to the salvation or death of all those on board. I was cold standing there on the deck, but being cold didn’t matter. Nor did it matter that I was naked and surrounded by people waltzing to a full orchestra in their Sunday best. All that mattered was that I act quickly to save us all. Grabbing a box of clean underwear that was lying at my feet, I wandered the lido deck in search of answers.
And nearly tripped over the monkey.
He was standing in the middle of a circle of dancers wearing a white tuxedo and holding a silver tray upon which rested a single envelope. Suddenly, I realized that I might be underdressed for such a fancy ship and I quickly put a pair of the clean underwear on my head. For some reason this put me at ease.
“Sir, a telegram for you.”
“Wow! You can talk!”
“Yes, sir.”
“Cool.”
“Undeniably, sir.”
“I’m sorry for being rude; I just didn’t know monkeys could talk.”
“With this type of reaction can you blame us for keeping silent, sir?”
“Point.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Picking up the letter I immediately knew that it was vital that I read it. Somehow I knew that this letter contained the answer to all my questions. Questions like, “Why was I on a ship?” “How did I know it was named ‘The Dripping Faucet’?” and “Why are striped, button-down men’s shirts so hot this year?”
“Uh…”
“Monkey Moo-Moo, sir.”
“Your name is Monkey Moo-Moo?”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s too funny! Monkey Moo-Moo! What a stupid name! Hahaha!”
“Sir, please don’t make me fling my feces at you.”
“You’re right. I apologize. I’m sorry.”
“Think nothing of it, sir. Happens all the time.”
“Right. Well Monkey Moo-Moo, I seem to have forgotten how to read. Could you tell me what this letter says?”
“Of course, sir. It saEek-eek! Ooo-ooo ee-ee!”
“What?”
“Eek-eek-eek! Oo-oo eek oo!”
When Monkey Moo-Moo began throwing his feces at me, I ran.
Not knowing what to do, I went below deck where I found a dark hallway with walls made of blackberry Jell-O. As I wandered in search of… something, the walls began moving. Not finding this the least bit strange I continued my search until I came across a yellow basketball stuck in a giant spider web. Knowing that this was what I needed to find, and not knowing what I should do with it, I decided to just rip it out from the webbing and escape from the freaky Jell-O dungeon.
Jell-O which had changed from blackberry black to peachy peach.
But when I touched the basketball it exploded into billions of tiny yellow and orange dots that flew straight down the hallway on a sudden gust of wind. Knowing that if the yellow demons reached the end of the hallway I was doomed, I began chasing after them. Suddenly I had my trusty butterfly net (that I knew was named Zyrtec) in my hands and I was scooping up thousands of the little dots as I raced down the hallway.
But I knew it wasn’t enough.
Somehow I got ahead of the dots and I was standing at the end of the hallway facing them as they raced down towards me. My net had become a laser pistol and I was shooting the dots as fast as I could trying to keep them from getting past me when I realized that I wasn’t in a hallway at all, but inside my own nose! Suddenly I was the squad leader of Team Antihistamine and the Pollenators were attacking our fortifications in a last ditch attempt to capture our flag. I only had my pistol and three shots left and I knew I was a goner. Looking at my squadmates, I gave them a grimace and prepared to go over the wall and take down as many of the Pollenator bastards as I could before I took a dirt nap. Screaming our battle cry, “For nostrils and breathing for all!” I threw myself over the wall and…
“Honey?”
“Mmeph?”
“Ooo. GeekMan Honey, you look horrible. I’m sorry to wake you, but it’s dinner time and I thought you might be hungry.”
“Glargh. Mmm shleeping. Nuh foods, schleep.”
“Ok, Honey. But you do know that you’ve been locked inside for a week now and people are starting to worry, right?”
“Ugh. Duhn care. ‘Lergies shuck ash. Die. Khill meh, pleash…”
“Aww. You sleep, Honey. I’ll save your dinner for later, ok?”
“More druhgsh. Nee’ more druhgs.”
“Ok. I’ll get you your medicine. Sleep now.”
“Yah. Schleep guhd. Schleep… schleep…”
I hate allergies.
Awww.