The greatest Joke Ever (re)Told

The following story, contained within the extended entry portion of this post, was written in 2002 but deserves to be remembered.

The following phone call takes place during my freshman year of college.

“Mother GeekMan’s office, Mom speaking.”

[timid voice] “Mom?”

“Hi GeekMan! How are you? How’s college treating my baby?”

“Mom, I’ve got… I’ve got some bad news.”

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“Mom, I don’t want you to get mad. Just listen to me for a minute, ok?”

“…”

“Mom?”

[quizzically angry] “OK, I won’t get mad. What did you do?”

“Well… Uh, you know my roommate is a little… crazy, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, last night I went to dinner with some of my friends and while I was out my roommate decided to throw a little party.”

“So?”

“He invited some freshmen… girls… and well, things got a little out of hand. There was some pot and a lot of beer, and maybe sex and stuff…”

[possibly angry] “So your roommate had a party while you were out. What does this have to do with you?”

“Let me finish, ok? Please?”

“…”

“Mom?”

[angry] “Ok. Finish.”

“Ok. Uhm… so he was having this party and it was a little loud I guess, because someone on campus called the police.”

[definitely angry] “It must have been some party for another college student to call the cops!”

“I guess… But the thing is, the cops arrived just as I came back from dinner and walked in to my room.”

“Oh, no…”

“Uh, now mom, everyone stuck up for me and told the cops and the college people that I wasn’t involved with the party. They all believe I had nothing to do with the drugs and underage drinking and stuff, but the college people said they need to make an example of us, so…”

[my mothers anger is so great I can physically feel it emanating from the phone line] “Don’t tell me they suspended you? For something your stupid, crazy roommate did?!”

“No. No mom, they didn’t suspend us. We’re being expelled.”

Imagine the most vile, angry and venomous string of curses you have ever heard in your life. Wait, scratch that. Try to imagine the curses a certain fallen angel may have hurled at a certain deity when said deity threw said angel out of the house. Now multiply whatever you’re thinking of by ten, put it into a rocket launcher and point it at yourself.

“Angry” does not begin to describe my mother’s mood.

Unbeknownst to myself, my mother was a cursing pro. I don’t know if she was hanging out at bars frequented by sailors or not, but she was using curses unheard and unspoken of since the stone ages. And even more astonishing, during the whole 6 or 7 minutes I let her boil she never used the same curse twice. She started out at a barely audible whisper and worked her way up to a royal scream that I swear made a flock of pigeons fly away in a panic. At the end, her anger was so great that the phone line could only transmit loud static punctuated by rage filled squawks.

If I had done this in person, I would have died from fright.

“Mom.”

[more cursing]

“Mom!”

[even more cursing]

“MOM!”

“What? What else do you have to say for yourself, you stupid little…”

“Mom, what day is it?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“Mom. Concentrate now. What’s today’s date?”

“It’s March… No wait. It’s not March it’s…”

[stifling laughter] “It’s…?”

“…”

“April Fools.”

“You. Son. Of. A. BITCH!”

[laughing] “But mom, that makes you the bitch!”

We both laughed for a long time after that. Every few moments she would have to catch her breath and explain what had happened to the other people in her office who had heard my otherwise sweet natured mother screaming curses on the phone. They would then join in the laughter and congratulate me for my joke, chastise me for being such a bastard and then offer condolences to my mother for her hardships in raising a boy who was obviously the son of the devil.Needless to say, my mother has never let her guard down on April Fools Day again.

“You know, if you had tried this in person, I would have killed you. Dead. With my own two hands.”

“I know, mom. I know.”

I love my mom.