Family Portrait

Saturday there was a family gathering.

At this gathering there were many, many small children, a few grown-ups… and my grandpa. When the party was over and it was time for everyone to go home, HoBiscuit’s father, who was sure this would be the last time everyone would be gathered together in one place for many years to come, whipped out his camera and insisted that everyone gather ‘round the couch for a big family portrait.

After the usual protestations, we all sourly headed to the living room couch.

All the children, who are all 12 years old or younger, were sitting on the floor and all the grown-ups were sitting on the couch waiting for the family friend who had been suckered into being the photographer for this soon-to-be family heirloom to take the picture when my grandfather opened his mouth. As soon as he did I knew, just knew that it was going to be bad.

Unfortunately, it was much worse than I feared.

Grandpa:
“Hey kids, what’s the worst word you know?”

Kids:
“Poopie!” “Pee-pee!” “Butt!” “Fart-face!” “Turd-breath!”

[much giggling from kids]

Family Friend:
“Okay everyone, smile for the camera…”

Grandpa:
“Those are good words kiddies, but I’ve got a better one. And I think we should all say it when we smile for the camera.”

Kids:
“What?! Their’s something worse than turd-breath? Tell us!”

Family Friend:
“Here we go. One… Two…”

Grandpa:
“Everyone say, ‘F*****g S**t’!”

Of course, now those kids fricking love my grandpa.