Grandfather’s Big Day

It sounded like such a good idea.

For Fathers Day my mother, brother and I decided it would be nice to take my grandpa out to lunch. The place we picked was a hip little eatery in Brooklyn that served wonderful food and had a great atmosphere, all of which was completely wasted on my grandpa because all he cared about were the very pretty waitresses and fashion model-esque hostess.

From the moment we entered I knew there’d be trouble.

Hostess:
“Welcome to _____. How many people in your party?”

Grandpa:
“There’s five of us now, but if you’re free I can get rid of the other four.”

After gracefully recovering from this full frontal attack, the hostess showed us to our table where my Grandpa shifted his leering sexual harassment from the hostess to the waitress without even batting an eye.

Waitress:
“Hi, my name is Cassandra. Would you like me to tell you our specials?”

Grandpa:
“How about showing us?”

Waitress:
“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Grandpa:
“Well sweetheart, you look mighty special to me and since it’s Father’s Day how about giving me a little something ‘special’ that’s not on the menu?”

Unable to respond to this, the waitress leaves the table while we berate my grandpa for his horrible manners. Pleading old age and then looking at all of us with a hurt, puppy-dog face, grandpa sulked until the hostess, who was forced to wait on us herself when the waitress refused to come back, came over to take our order. For this next bit, please picture a hot, sexy blonde girl in her early twenties wearing a red velvet dress that barely covers her butt. She is standing at the head of the rectangular table with my grandpa to her immediate left.

Hostess:
“Thank you for your orders. Is there anything else I can do for you until your food is ready?”

Grandpa:
“Could you pass me the salt?”

Hostess:
“Uhm… ok…”

Hostess begins to walk around table to get salt.

Grandpa:
“No sweetheart, not like that. How about staying where you are and just leaning across the whole table to get it?”

Hostess:
“What? But that would…”

Grandpa:
Leering grin of deviancy.

Hostess [realizing what she’s wearing]:
“Oh my god, you are so naughty!”

Grandpa:
“You think so? Well then, I guess you should spank me.”

GeekMan:
“Uhm, your tip is going to cost me a fricking fortune, isn’t it?”

Hostess:
“Oh, hell’s yeah.”