Amazing Stories

There are eight of us in the restaurant.

One of our friends is telling a us the story of how she came home late one night, a little drunk, to find her boyfriend unconscious and bleeding from his head on the floor of their apartment after he had spent the night at a bachelor party.

No, not mine.

“… So the cops and the ambulance arrive and finally manage to get him to his feet and the cops ask him how he hurt his head. He says, ‘I don’t fricking know, you fricking pig-frickers, but if you think that’s bad, wait until you see this!’ And then he lifted his shirt and showed us a six inch gash, bleeding like crazy, along his left side!”

[gasps of shock, amazed whispers]

“Then the cops go, ‘Sir, how did you get that wound? Were you attacked?’ And he says, ‘I told you, you fricking jackhole, I don’t know, but if you think that’s bad, wait until you see this!’ And then he took off his pants, right in front of the cops, and showed us all this huge, bloody hole in his butt!”

[laughter, disbelief]

“At this point I was furious. Remember that I was also a little drunk from my night out so I wasn’t thinking too clearly, so first and foremost in my head was the thought that he had just spent all night at a bachelor party and that meant that his wounds could have come from only one thing. So I pointed at his butt and started screaming at the top of my lungs where I thought the wounds came from so that everyone would know what I knew.”

“Stripper Bites! Stripper Bites!”

“Stop laughing! At the time it seemed perfectly logical to me even if the cops kept insisting that there were no teeth marks. The next day we found out that he had been so drunk that he had simply fallen down some stairs and nearly impaled himself on a fence, but still, Stripper Bites sounds a heck of a lot more interesting, doesn’t it?”

[GeekMan]
“That’s a great story! Luke, I call dibs on ‘Stripper Bites’.”

[Luke]
“Dammit.”

[MightyWife – putting head in hands]
“Why are all my friends such losers?”