Mighty Cool

I was a handsome devil.

Doing a pirouette in front of the mirror one last time, I smiled at my reflection (letting my dimples nearly swallow my head) and skipped to the door. My mother and brother had been ready to leave for my cousins wedding for the last half an hour, but when it comes to the perfection that was me, they knew I could not be rushed. Rushing would produce imperfections, you understand, and imperfections were not acceptable to people who were in all ways perfect.

You know, people like me.

Upon seeing me in my powder blue, velvet collard tuxedo and puffy, ruffled shirt, my mother nearly cried as she gushed about how good I looked. And I could do nothing but agree with her. I was damn good looking. I mean, with my Flobie haircut, oversized, black, velvet bowtie and polyester pants, what girl could resist me?

That’s right, none of them could. Not. One. Single. Female.

And that wasn’t even taking into account my disarming ability to charm girls and women of all ages with my innate ability to say the exact wrong thing in any social situation in my high-pitched, frightened-girl-screeching-at-a-spider-like voice. You know, things like, “Grandma smells like rotten medicine. Do I have to kiss her?” Or, “Aunt L, what’s a dirty who-ah? My mommy keeps calling you that every time you talk to my daddy.” And my personal favorite, “Hi Christine! My daddy said I should take you outside and ‘Give her what’s she’s begging for.’ but you can’t have my Big Wheel, no matter how much you beg.”

I was such a ladies man.

As proof of my studly-manliness, here’s a photo of me at my cousins wedding right before the DJ started playing The Hustle by Van McCoy and I lit up the dance floor like a mini-Travolta covered in napalm. Yeah, that’s right ladies. You know you want me. And you know that I know you want me. And I know that you know that I know you want me. Oh yes, it’s an infinite and perpetual circle of lust that will only grow stronger the more you resist. Give in ladies; give in to my obvious charms and your most base desires. Come to the Geek. Embrace the Geek. Love the Geek.

Yeah, baby! YEAH!