There ought to be a Law.
Women should have to go through life with a rattle. And I don’t mean some sort of baby rattle that they shake when they want something brought to them by the studly Cabana Boy at their weekend country club, either. I’m talking about a scary rattle, not unlike that of a cornered rattlesnake. A rattle so frightening that the instant you hear it you’ll break out in a sweat so cold that you’re almost thankful for the spreading warmth of your suddenly soiled undergarments.
Now isn’t that a delightful image?
Women should be made to shake this rattle every time they say something that sounds reasonable and calm, but is actually dangerous and insane. Shall I give you an example?
GeekMan: “Hey Honey, I’m going out to see the guys tonight for dinner. I’ll be back around 11pm, k?”
HoBiscuit [angry]: “What? But we were supposed to be spending tonight together! I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks!”
GeekMan: “Oh Honey, I forgot! I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot about that, but the guys have tickets to (something) and you know how much I like (something)… Would you like me to call the guys and tell them I can’t go? I could do that, or I could make it up to you tomorrow.”
HoBiscuit [angrier]: “You forgot?! About me?!”
GeekMan: “No HoBiscuit, I didn’t forget about you. I only forgot that we were going to stay in tonight because the guys told me about (something) and I got all excited to see (something). I’ll call them and cancel, it’s not a problem and they’ll understand. If you let me go though, I promise to make it up to you tomorrow, ok?”
HoBiscuit [suddenly very calm and understanding]: “Fine. You go out with the guys and I’ll stay home tonight.”
GeekMan [wary]: “Are you sure, because I could always tell the guys I can’t make it. I know what tonight meant to you and I have no problem ditching the guys. You’re MUCH more important to me than they are.”
HoBiscuit [nonchalant]: “No. You go out and have a good time. I’ll be just fine. Really.”
[rattle]
See? SEE?! That rattle sound would have saved my fricking life!
Poor guy. I hope she left a little bit of you intact afterwards.
And your new design is very nice.
*laughs* You know, if we had a rattle it wouldn’t be any fun watching you guys dig a hole for yourself.
Oh, the rattle’s there. It’s just very very quiet. It’s that imperceptable narrowing of the eyes kind of quiet. The 1/8th of an inch of shoulder straightening kind of quiet. You should know all this by now.
Man, if you don’t know how to listen for the rattle by now, there’s no hope. Where do we send the sympathy cards?
The narrowing of the eyes and the faint hissing normally alerts me.
I normally carry around some flowers to placate the beast…ahem, women when scorned.
a rattle. heh.
If the rattle would be ever present, we’d be deaf by now. Or the allconsuming noise would have killed us.
oh man. there’s nothing to worry about now. right now you could do anything at all and be home free cuz it’s hard to have a wedding w/out a groom. now after the wedding, well, that’s another story all together. after that then i suggest you call up jules’ husband cuz i bet he could give you a lot of great tips.
You should have tried out your non-comittal grunt on her again to see if it would work this time.
It was funnier when Darrell Hammond said it.
Poser.