Satanic Candy Company

Meeting notes from May 23, 1971

Satan: “OK you demonic slaves, listen up. Sales of children’s souls for candy are down which is bad, but kids lying and stealing to acquire candy is up. That means that overall we’re doing alright, but alright just isn’t good enough in this economy. If we don’t make our numbers next month I’m afraid I’ll have to let some of you go and turn you into fuel for the boilers.”

[general mumbles of anxious denial]

Satan: “Shut up. Now, R&D has just finished their latest study on children and deviant behavior and it turns out that Johnson here was on the right track with his Pop Rocks idea. Johnson’s Pop Rocks have been great for business, they’ve got a lot of sugar in them and kids just love the sound they make when they eat them and drink Coke at the same time. The only problem is that Pop Rocks just don’t have enough sugar in them to make them truly evil. You see, according to R&D, what we need to do is get more sugar into these kids so they’ll get a sugar rush, leading to a sugar high, and finally sugar withdrawal. This will then lead to deviant behavior and the subsequent sale of their soul to one of our reps to get out of trouble, or for nothing less than even more sugar! It’s brilliant in its simplicity. So, there must be some way to get more sugar into human children without increasing our costs and no one’s leaving this room until we figure it out.”

[crickets]

Satan: “Come on, demons! Doesn’t anyone have an idea?”

Johnson: “Uh, Your Unholiness?”

Satan: “Yes Johnson?”

Johnson: “Well, I was just thinking… If it’s sugar we need to give them, why don’t we do just that? You know, give them pure sugar?”

Satan: “I’m afraid I don’t follow you.”

Johnson: “Well, you see, I thought that maybe we could just take some sugar, give it a little drop of flavoring and package it in a way that kids will think is cool. We could even keep its price down to a dime or so, just so they won’t think twice about buying it with their spare change. And to keep costs down, we could put the sugar into paper wrappers that look like straws. Even better, we could use plastic straws and charge a little more! Hey, we’ve got all those surplus Hoola-Hoops from the 60s lying around, right? Well, we could always cut them in half and sell them as extra large, super sugar straws.”

Satan: “Johnson, you’re a genius! I love this idea. Just for that I think I’ll cancel your three o’clock Hot Poker In The Anus appointment for today.”

Johnson: “Oh, thank you sir! Thank you!”

Satan: “But wait, what are we going to call these sugar straws so the parents won’t object when their kids start eating them?”

Johnson: “Well sir, for the sake of irony, you could name it something cute like Pixie Stix. That way it doesn’t sound as disturbing to the parents as it would if you named it more truthfully. You know, like Edible Kiddy Cocaine or Psycho Sand.”

Satan: “BRILLIANT! Johnson, I’m taking you down off that crucifix and giving you two hours in the Pillow Room. Hell, you’ve done such a good job today I’m even going to throw in Cleopatra and Helen of Troy.”

[Johnson sheds tears of joy as he is lowered to the floor]

Johnson: “Oh, thank you sir! Thank you!”

End of meeting notes.