The Odd Couple

The following takes place on Saturday afternoon.

GeekMan:
“Grandma, Grandpa! HoBiscuit and I have come to visit!”

Grandma:
“Oh! Look Grandpa, it’s GeekMan and HoBiscuit come to visit us!”

Grandpa:
“It’s about time. I was afraid the next time I’d see my grandson was at my funeral.”

Grandma:
“Shut up! Oh GeekMan, Hobiscuit, we love it when you visit us. We love you so much!”

[sloppy kisses and much hello hugging]

Grandpa:
“So, you’ve finally come over to fix the computer. It’s about time, I thought you’d only come to fix it after I was dead.”

GeekMan:
“Sigh. Grandpa, why do you always say you’re going to die?”

Grandma:
“Because he’s crazy, that’s why! And he’s driving me nuts! I could just kill him sometimes.”

Grandpa:
“See? See!? That’s why I’m going to die! She’s going to kill me! You heard her, didn’t you? And I’m not crazy; she’s the one who’s crazy.”

Grandma:
“Shut up!”

Grandpa:
“You shut up!”

Grandma:
“Shut up!”

Grandpa:
“You shut up!”

[Heavy sigh from GeekMan]

GeekMan:
“Do I have to separate you two? Do you guys need a ‘time out’?”

[HoBiscuit laughs as Grandma and Grandpa look at the ground, shuffle their feet and mumble ‘No’ together]

GeekMan:
“Good. Now behave yourselves and I’ll fix your computer, OK?”

Grandpa:
“OK.”

GeekMan:
“So, what’s the problem?”

Grandpa:
“There’s no sound anymore. When I play bridge on my computer…”

Grandma:
“OUR computer!”

Grandpa:
“…On our computer, no one talks to me anymore.”

[GeekMan closes his eyes as if to ask a higher power why he was being punished and steels himself to ask the question he knows he’ll regret asking]

GeekMan:
“Is the speaker power on?”

Grandpa:
“Of course it is! What do you think I am, stupid?”

GeekMan:
“Uh-huh. You’re sure it’s on?”

Grandpa:
“I’ll hit you with my cane if you ask me that again. And it’ll hurt, too. I might be old, but I’m wiry. Strong, like ox. I’ll just pretend you’re my wife while I beat you to death…”

[Grandpa stares off into space, smiling]

GeekMan:
“Grandma, put down that lamp. You know Grandpa didn’t really mean that.”

[Grandma begins muttering curses under her breath as GeekMan proceeds to ‘fix’ the computer]

GeekMan:
“There you go, Grandpa. The computer’s all fixed.”

Grandpa:
“That’s it? Twenty seconds and it’s fixed? What was wrong with it?”

GeekMan:
“Uh… ahem, the speakers weren’t plugged in.”

[uncomfortable silence]

Grandma:
“He’s so stupid!”

Grandpa:
“I’m not stupid! I’m just old! And you’re driving me crazy with your craziness!”

Grandma:
“If I’m crazy it’s only because you’re driving me insane with your stupid craziness, you idiot!”

Grandpa:
“See? SEE!? She’s crazy! She admitted it! You’re my witnesses.”

Grandma:
“Shut up!”

Grandpa:
“You shut up!”

Grandma:
“Shut up!”

Grandpa:
“You shut up!”

[GeekMan and HoBiscuit smile at each other as Grandma and Grandpa continue to insult each other like 5 year olds. Suddenly, both Grandma and Grandpa stop bickering and turn towards HoBiscuit and GeekMan with big, evil smiles on their faces.]

Grandma:
“So, would you two like to stay for dinner?”

Grandpa:
“Yeah, we’ve got a steak we’ve been saving special, just for you.”

[in a blind panic GeekMan and HoBiscuit bolt for the door]