Buzz Off

I had the perfect sandwich.

A foot long classic Italian sub from Subway complete with lettuce (no tomatoes), onions, olives, cucumbers, salt, pepper, oil, vinegar, mayo AND mustard. It looked fricking beautiful. I found myself an open table in the Subway restaurant store eating area and prepared myself for yummy sandwich bliss.

That is, until this MOTHER-FRICKING HUGE fly came along.

Now, I’m not some wimpy, little, girlie-man of a Geek, people. Check the page title; see the word ‘Mighty’? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking ‘bout. I’m a Mighty Geek, so it takes a lot more than a common housefly to scare me into wetting myself and whimpering in fear. No ordinary fly would make me jump out of my chair and scream for my mommy like a little girlie-girl. So believe me when I tell you, this was no ordinary fly.

This was Flyzilla. (patent pending)

Flyzilla was about the size of my thumb, roughly the size of a bumblebee, and its wingspan should be measured in inches, not centimeters. It was so big, so unbelievably huge, that I could actually see its mouth cleaning thingies as it flew by my head. Of course, after my initial yelp of fear and surprise, I realized that it was only a fly and waved my hand in the universal ‘Be gone, foul insect!’ method and went back to my lunch.

But Flyzilla would have none of that.

You see, Flyzilla was tired. After a full 35 seconds of flight, Flyzilla needed to rest and recharge. Unfortunately, Flyzilla was so large that it needed a landing area larger than your average fly. Taking one more pass around my head, Flyzilla saw the perfect landing strip for his gargantuan girth and decided to land. Circling the area, Flyzilla reported to the tower, was given clearance to land and came in low and fast. Landing gear outstretched, Flyzilla managed to make a perfect six-point landing.

Right on my sandwich.

At this point you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘Yuck! That’s disgusting!’ I agree. I agree wholeheartedly. But wait, because what Flyzilla did next will live with me for years. Looking straight at me, making sure I was watching in disgust, Flyzilla turned sideways and proceeded to defecate on my sandwich!

Flyzilla had declared war.

Grabbing my sandwich like a club I jumped up and tried to smack him with it. Avoiding my clumsy attack, Flyzilla simply flew away towards the front of the Subway store, laughing all the way. Letting loose a scream of rage, I followed Flyzilla swinging at him every chance I got. Finally, after what seemed like hours but was most likely 30 seconds, Flyzilla landed on the front window of the store.

Now was my chance.

Sandwich held high for a quick death smack, I came creeping up to that window. Grinning from ear to ear I sneakily, stealthily reached the proper distance to kill Flyzilla with my Sandwich of Doom. Now I was close enough to hit him, but far enough away to not alert him to the danger he was in. Eyes fever bright with triumph; I brought down my sandwich on him like a sledgehammer.

And that’s when I noticed the girls.

Three of them, in fact. They looked like high school sophomores with their perfect bodies, Gucci backpacks and big, bright eyes. Eyes that were now staring in fear at the scary weirdo in the Subway store who was laughing like a demented clown and trying to break a plate glass window with a sandwich. And the worst part? At that very moment, right before the girls ran down the street screaming for the police; Flyzilla flew by my face completely unharmed.

And I swear to you, he was laughing.