Fat Bastard

Last night my self image up and died.

I’ve always been skinny, almost anorexic actually, and I’ve never needed to exercise to maintain my Schwarzenegger inspired model-esque physique. But last night it was explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that I was no longer the rail thin, super-skinny, sex god of my youth.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m still a sex god. Just not such a thin and fit one, is all.

In fact, over the last year or so, I think I’ve developed a ‘Gamers Pooch’. You know, the slightly distended belly of someone who spends as much time as possible in front of a computer or television instead of doing anything that might be mistaken as exercise? It’s gotten so bad, and my body is so out of shape, that attempting to do even a single pushup might send me into immediate cardiac arrest. Eating a salad, or lord forbid a granola bar, could very well cause my colon to explode as if I were a suicide bomber on a bus in Israel.

And so, I refused to exercise so the world would not lose its one true Geek.

All that changed last night. As I was getting into bed I turned around to pick something up off the floor. As I did so, I heard HoBiscuit give a quick gasp and then burst out in a fit of giggles. Not understanding what was so funny, I turned around to face the bed and saw her lying there and pointing at me, laughing so hard she was crying.

“What’s so funny, HoBiscuit?”
[giggling and pointing]
“You shouldn’t be pointing at my crotch and laughing, honey. I told you it shrinks when it’s cold out. Or when it’s frightened.”
[giggling becomes hysterical]
“Come on, honey. I’m too tired for this. What’s so frickin funny?”
“Your ass.”
[More laughing]
“Sigh. My ass. And what about my ass is so funny?”
“I can see it!”

Oh. Crap.

I had a hole in my pajamas. A really, REALLY big hole. Now, granted these pajamas are about 7 years old and I wear them almost every night, but still, one would think I’d notice a new hole in them large enough to accommodate another leg. But I hadn’t, and now HoBiscuit would, as was her right, make fun of me for the next several weeks.

[singsong voice]
“Fat ass! Fat ass! GeekMan’s got a fat ass!”
[/singsong voice]

So, now I need to start exercising again so I can banish not only my Gamers Pooch, but also my very own big, fat ass. Does anyone know if channel surfing can be considered as part of a daily workout schedule?

No? Stupid, stupid slowing metabolism.