Sleep, Perchance To Dream

I’m going insane.

While working here in Boston I think I’ve discovered, and am currently in the process of patenting, the worlds only true perpetual motion machine. The idea for my invention came to me in a sudden flash of inspiration brought about by the ingestion of far too much chocolate, chicken wings, potato chips, pasta, pretzels, cola and something that might once have been called “tuna fish” at 5am.

The ‘tuna’ had blue streaks in it. And it crunched.

My idea for the perpetual motion machine’s engine is for it to be made from a quasar powered quantum engine, a tachyon pulse modulator, two metric tons of dental floss (mint), one oversized Styrofoam “Go Team” hand and an angry shaved llama covered in confectionary sugar stuck in a glass bottle.

Well, wouldn’t you be angry?

Of course, there are some other necessary parts but the ones listed are the most common, so describing them doesn’t give away any of my secrets. My special secrets. Like how the machine harnesses the latent energy from corporate, brown-nosing lackeys who play the “It’s not my department.” game. You see, the Styrofoam hand catches and collects the energy into a net made of the dental floss. The llama eats the net and…

Shhhhh… it’s a secret.

I plan on building this contraption while yodeling the theme to Knight Rider in C# and shaving a pickle in my hotel bathtub. Believe me, the pickle is integral to the entire operation. And don’t let the instruction manual fool you, if it’s not a sour pickle the whole thing will fall apart like a house of cards. When my machine is finished I’ll call Lockheed Martin and sell it to them for five bazillion dollars and a pair or socks made from paper bags and twine.

Oh god, I’m so tired this post actually seems funny.

I’ve been working non-stop since 9am Monday (it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to stop until 6pm tonight) and it’s beginning to show. The walls are spinning, everything I see makes me laugh like a deranged orangutan and the only reason I can see enough to type this is because my employers have hung me upside down from the ceiling to keep my eyes open.

Mommy, can I go home now?