It’s time for yet another installment of Blogger Insider. This week’s questions are brought to you by Melanie Kurtz of Goodbye Blue Monday. She’s just started Blogging so show her a little love and visit her site and read her answers to my questions. Now, without further ado, let’s get it on!
- Do you regularly have conversations with inanimate objects?
“I don’t know what you mean. I don’t talk to inanimate objects.”
“Is that my cue?”
“Bread, you’re not on until next week. We talked about this remember? Once a week, at most. We don’t want to overuse you.”
“Hey, I’m the best thing you’ve got going here. Don’t kid yourself bub, without me you’re nuthin.”
“You arrogant… Hey, is that a cigarette? Get that out of here! You know there’s no smoking in my house. I’m allergic, dammit.”
“Relax you anal retentive psycho. It’s a menthol.”
“That doesn’t make a difference and you know it. Just get out of here and take that damn cigarette with you.”
“Ok, ok. I’m going. I’m just glad you didn’t realize I didn’t take my shoes off when I came in. And I think I might have stepped in something.”
“AHHHHH!!! You bastard! You know I’m going to be up all night mopping the floor now, don’t you?”
“I was counting on it, putz.”
Evil laughter fades as door slams. Manic mopping ensues.
- How do you feel about Agent Orange?
It makes me break out in hives. Or is that cats?
- Do you feel that no woman’s worth crawling on the earth?
Hello, my name is Harold Zimmermann. I’m Mr. GeekMan’s relationship attorney and I’ll be representing him for this particular question. On behalf of my client, the answer to this question is, ‘No comment’. I have instructed my client to refrain from answering this and any other question that may, in my legal opinion, lead to a ruling of ‘no sex’ from Judge HoBiscuit. Should you insist on continuing this line of questioning, I will be forced to instruct my client to plead the fifth, duck and cover, and quickly enter the witness relocation program. And we’re much better at hiding than those morons over at Enron.
- In the highly unlikely case that you got insulted, would you ever respond by saying “Well, I have a Bloggie and you don’t! MUAHAHA!”?
(muahaha being evil laughter)
Of course! I love using that line, evil laugh included, in all sorts of social situations. When the line at the shelter is long and I’m especially hungry, I just yell out, “Anti-Bloggie Award winner here! Make a hole! Coming through!” And the line magically disappears. My award has even helped me make new friends. Before I won the award no one would talk to me, but now when I show it to people they love to tell me things. They give me suggestions on where I can put my award, or what I can do with myself when I’m alone and bored, but so far I haven’t tried any of them. Truthfully, I think it would hurt, but since so many people recommend putting my award in there, I guess I should give it a try. People are so nice.
- Which was your favorite Star Trek series and why?
I never really got into Star Trek. By the time I ‘discovered’ it I was already infatuated with the greatest sci-fi program on TV at the time, Battlestar Galactica. You show me someone who didn’t love BG and I’ll show you someone with far more taste and culture than should ever be allotted by nature. In order to preserve the human race as we know it, we would need to hunt them down and give them a frontal lobotomy by sticking a straw through their left eye and letting their brains drain out. We would then make them late-night infomercial hosts on public television.
- Out of hearts, solitaire, and minesweeper, which are you most likely to get addicted to?
Hearts give me gas and sweeping for mines seems like a dangerous profession. Since I’m often in solitary confinement I guess I should choose solitaire, but I’d have to make the cards by slowly skinning myself and using my own blood as ink. Wanna play canasta?
- What was the first concert you went to?
Good question. The first concert I saw live was Brian Adams and I’m still waiting for a formal apology from Canada. In fact, I have a session with my therapist in half an hour where I’ll try to expel this ancient anger by singing ‘Summer of 69’ at the top of my lungs and beating myself with a pillowcase filled with copies of Robin Hood starring Kevin Costner.
- Would you rather be a nerd, dork, or loser? (geek is not an option)
Nice, real nice. In case you didn’t know already, I’m a loser. A tall, skinny, stupid loser. Thanks for bringing that up. No, no. Don’t bother apologizing, it’s far too late now. Would you like to rub salt or lemon juice into my open wounds? Oh, I see. You prefer ground glass. Typical.
- What is your favorite winter Olympics sport?
Curling. Just because it’s so… un-Olympic.
- What is the crowning focal point of your home?
The VEHTS, of course.
- If you wake up and see that it is cloudy, does this have any particular impact on your day?
It has a huge impact! It means that I’ll probably have to bring an umbrella and wear a raincoat. I’ll probably also get wet when a taxi splashes a puddle on me when it runs a red light, which would really stink because I most likely have an important meeting to attend with big, important clients and if I’m wet then I’ll look all shlumpy. Clients don’t respect you when you’re shlumpy, which would mean I wouldn’t get the job, which would mean I’d have to go home empty handed. Of course, not working means I wouldn’t get paid which would mean I couldn’t pay my rent and I’d be evicted from my apartment. Then I’d be living on the street begging for spare change and digging through a McDonalds dumpster for my dinner, which won’t even have a happy meal prize, unless you count a dead rat with a missing foot a prize. And of course, it would be raining.
- *BONUS* The following is entirely for my own research purposes. Do with it what you will. What’s your favorite kind of pizza?
Brooklyn pizza. What, you want more? OK, how about hot Brooklyn pizza? More? With pepperoni. Lots and lots of pepperoni. Damn, now I’m hungry.
Does anyone else aside from me think I really need an intervention?
Damn bread. You should sue it for willful destruction of property.