15 Worst Figures In American History
Geek Style

This idea has been blatantly stolen from Michele and John. May history forgive them.

15. Jakob Nielsen
    Let’s face it; he’s annoying as hell. I mean, for a guy who touts the necessity of usability in web design, his fricking website is a horror to navigate and just plain ugly. It’s rumored that he’s personally responsible for some of the ugliest websites ever designed and most of the viruses running wild on the net. There are even some people in the CIA who believe the internet’s infamous 1998 ‘Dancing Hamsters’ infestation was originally a single, self-replicating webpage uploaded by him under the alias, ‘Hamsterizor517@aol.com’. Plus, his mother dresses him funny and he smells like old medicine.
14. José Cortero Fernando “El Guapo” Sanchez
    The infamous Mexican soldier who bayoneted and then shot David Crockett after Davy’s capture by Santa Anna at the Alamo in 1836. It’s rumored that right before he chopped off Davy’s head he said, “Nice sombrero, señor. I think I will maybe use it to apply wax to my pink Cadillac, no?” Then he laughed and swung his sword. The stinking Mexican scum.
13. Waylon Smithers
    The closeted gay assistant of one Montgomery Burns. Not only is Smithers apparently ashamed of his homosexuality, he’s keeping it a secret from everyone around him – including the object of his lust-filled wet dreams, Mr. Burns. As if that’s not enough, he’s also doing everything in his power to set the Gay and Lesbian movement back about a hundred years by pretending to be nothing more than your standard corporate boot-licking lackey and repressing his every homosexual desire. Even worse, as far as we can tell he doesn’t own any Prada, Versace or whatever those oh-so-fashion-conscious gays are wearing nowadays. He doesn’t even have a pet cat or cute, small dog in a pink sweater like everyone knows all the other gays do. Even so, he’s so obviously gay it’s pathetic. Stupid, stupid gay Smithers.
12. Carrot Top
    The worst comedian to ever be spawned by Satan, Carrot top is a blight upon the earth and a constant reminder to the rest of humanity that no matter how far we may have come from our caveman past, we will assuredly one day be overrun and consumed by giant mutant cockroaches. And when that day does come, right before the giant, mutant roaches bite off our heads and suck the sweet, sweet plasma from our uncontrollably twitching bodies, most of us will get down on our knees and thank god that we’ll never see another 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial ever again.
11. George Washington
    It’s in vogue for the rest of the world to hate Americans right now, so who better for them to hate than the very first American president? Especially now that his secret, unauthorized biography has been rediscovered and re-released. Here’s a little excerpt of our first president’s very first executive order that will help illustrate why everyone else in the world hates us;

    “I don’t care if Jimmy’s cracking corn right now, you tell him to bring me that cute Negro daughter of his or he’ll be sorry! I’ve killed Injun’s and Brits in my day, so don’t think I won’t add an African or two to that list. I’m the Prez now dammit, and he’ll show me respect or I’ll use my cane to tan his hide, ya’ hear me?! Now, I’m gonna go take out my wooden teeth and when I get back, there had better be poon-tang waiting for me. Don’t make me get Constitutional on your ass!”

10. J-Lo
    The number 10 spot used to belong to Rosie Perez, but as crazy as it might sound, we as a species have somehow managed to create someone worse to take Rosie’s place. J-Lo can’t sing, dance or act yet she somehow manages to make millions doing all three. She also has a knack for finding the most popular, famous or influential unattached human male available and coercing a marriage proposal out of him. She then sucks him dry of his creativity like some kind of career devouring black widow spider and, when there’s nothing left for her to feed on, divorces him and leaves his empty husk for the paparazzi to take pictures of like the disgusting maggots they are. I bet she would even kill and eat her own young if it helped her career. The big-butted, no-talent bee-yatch.
9. John D. Ashcroft
   A big proponent of the USA Patriot Act, Mr. Ashcroft just loves to remove the Constitutional rights of an unsuspecting American public without bothering with little things like the Law. He’s also completely against same-sex marriages, going on record as saying, “It’s just not natural. That’s a one way street, you know? And how could it possibly feel good to have something going in through the out door? It just can’t, that’s how. Unless you’re a woman, of course. Cause we all know them women like that backdoor action every once in a while, right guys?! You know what I’m talking about! Boo-Yah!”
8. Joan and Melissa Rivers
   Not only is Joan Rivers one of the most callous, spiteful, shallow and annoying human turds on the planet, but she somehow managed to breed! And the shrieking harpy she calls a daughter actually made the conscious decision to be just like her mom! It’s human devolution at its worst. “Can we talk?” Sure we can you media sluts. We’ll talk when Melissa swallows this colony of angry killer bees, and right after I push this wooden stake through the tiny black stone her mother calls a heart.
7. Celine Dion
   The French Canadian export that the entire world wishes had never made it over the border, Celine Dion may not be American, but it certainly was America that made her famous throughout the world. Shame, shame, shame on America. And as for you Canada, first you give the world the Olympic ‘sport’ of curling, then Bryan Adams and now this screeching harpy? Canada, you suck.
6. Mike Tyson
   “Iron” Mike Tyson is an animal that needs to be neutered and taken down “Old Yeller” style. He gets paid millions to beat people up in the ring, then marries a famous actress, then beats her up at home, then rapes dozens of women in a hotel, then goes to jail, then is released and gets paid more millions to beat up more people in the ring, then beats up idiots in a bar, then bites off another boxers ear (twice!), then beats up more people in a bar, then goes to jail again and then goes bankrupt! Someone, anyone, please tell Mike that he’s a fricking joke, shoot him in the face with a sawed-off shotgun and then erase him from the collective memory of every living person on earth. Please.
5. Bill Gates
   He is the Ultimate Über-Geek King of Nerdland. The fricking loser who gave us the Blue Screen of Death and Ctrl+Alt+Del Loop of Insanity should be slowly roasted over an eternal flame while small children pour salt and lemon juice over his blistering flesh and call him names. His painful, torturous and prolonged three week death should be photographed in detail and shown every year on the anniversary of his death to the entire world. It should be in a PowerPoint presentation complete with ‘witty’ captions like, “Die, Billy-boy! Die!” and “That hot poker in your eye isn’t a bug, Jackhole. It’s a FEATURE!”
4. Hitler
   Come on! This one’s a gimme! He’s not American, but does it really matter? It’s Hitler! Evil incarnate! The Holocaust Harbinger himself! You know, Hitler!!!
3. Steve Case
   The man behind the corporate juggernaut known as AO-HELL, Steve is the most dangerous man alive. It is rumored that he has either directly, or indirectly, financed the hostile takeover of just about every corporation in America not already owned by Bill Gates. He is believed to have been the financier and unseen puppet master behind many historical villains. For example; he is believed to have been the man who sold John Wilkes Booth the gun he used to shoot Abe Lincoln. Lastly, it is a little known fact that Steve is a Ninja, and as the leader of the deadly Black Claw Clan of International Assassins, he has personally killed more than three dozen men with his bare hands. Don’t ever piss him off because he knows more than 14 ways to kill you with a wet noodle. I’m not kidding.
2. Barney
   “I love you, you love me…” is a song that will forever remind Americans, and every parent throughout the world, of the most hated purple dinosaur in the history of purple dinosaurs. Capable of turning any child, even a future Einstein or Hawking into a hypnotized drooling mass of stupidity within thirty seconds, Barney has earned the malice and righteous anger of a multitude of militant parents around the world. Many of those parents belong to a loose confederation of emergency kamikaze anti-Barney protection cells just in case the international Barney Warning Color Level should ever be raised to purple again. In that unlikely event, parents from such far flung places as Fruitland, Iowa; El Mirage, Nevada and even Moroni in Comoros, Africa will all get a signal and spontaneously combust, exploding in a small nuclear cloud of flame and destroying not only themselves, but also their TVs, and thus saving another generation of children from being subjugated by this vile, nightmarish creation of Beelzebub.
1. Christopher Columbus
   The man who started it all, Chris is the person most hated by Americans and foreigners alike. It was Chris who ‘discovered’ the continent that would later become known as the biggest bully the world has ever seen, so it’s only fitting that the world hates him more than any other person in history. Everything that America has ever done to piss of the rest of the world can be traced back to Chris and his mad hope to find a new route to India. There would be no war, no poverty and certainly no disease in the world if only Chris had been content with the status quo in Europe like everyone else, but noooo! Mr. Bigshot Explorer had to go and mess up the world by helping start the greatest nation to ever exist. Sure, Americans have more freedoms than just about anyone else. Sure the US of A spends more on worldwide humanitarian aid than any other country of the world. And sure, American ideals, ideas and culture is imitated and emulated in nearly every city of every nation on the earth, but come on! Everyone knows that America is evil and of the devil! They’re uncultured, smug, know-it-all, television watching, fascist, world-policing, money-hungry, loud, rude and stupid capitalist pigs! And it all started with one man, Christopher Fricking Columbus. The Bastard.