Right now, I’m attempting to perfect my abilities as a loser by watching Automan on SciFi. If you don’t remember this little gem of early eighties crap television then you are very, very fortunate. It sucked then and it sucks now. In fact, it sucks even more now because I’m older and know the difference between your average sucky TV show like Dawson’s Creek and a complete suckfest like Automan. If anyone should ever ask you to name the most sucky TV show ever made the first thing to come to your mind should be Automan.
My god, it sucks.
On a lighter note, I had a great Saturday of shopping at an outlet mall with my girlfriend and then going to my friend Sleepy’s rooftop party. Here’s a little tip for all the city drivers out there, when going shopping in another state do your best to leave the mall early. Doing so will help you avoid traffic that can make even the calmest of Geeks cranky and lead to saying bad things to your girlfriend that will cause a marked decrease in your Sweet Lovin’ quotient.
Note to Self :: When girlfriend asks whether an article of clothing makes her look fat, do not reply with “I don’t think it’s the clothes, honey.”
The party that night was great. A whole bunch of people showed up and we all danced the night away on Sleepy’s roof that just happens to have a terrific, beautiful and completely unobstructed view of the city. My girlfriend would leave me in a flash if she could get that view. I know, she told me. All friggen night. Hell, it’s all good cause I’d sell her for a chance of having that view.
She knows, I told her.
Here’s a little tip from the Geek to you. Remember that when at a party, babies and dogs should be kept far away from the party dip. I never knew this but babies seem to be notorious for putting their slimy, dirty, filthy little hands into anything that even looks like it might be soft and mushy, and dogs just follow the little brats around eating everything they drop. At one point in the party, I looked down and saw the dog standing on top of one of the little snack tables eating a slice of pizza someone had left there. The kid was spooning tiny handfuls of dip onto the pizza as encouragement for the mutt. If I had my camera at that point I would have taken a picture, but I was too busy shaking my groove thing on the dance floor.
Oh yeah, baby. Travolta, eat your heart out.
Here I am, minding my own business watching the big finale of Cannonball Run 2001, when I hear sirens. Hearing sirens in the big city is nothing new, so I didn’t pay much attention to them until I heard them stop at what sounded like my front door. This got me concerned enough to ponder getting up during a commercial break. (I didn’t want to miss what would happen when a girl cheated on her boyfriend with a guy from another team. Oh the suspense!)
When I heard even more sirens approaching, I thought it might be wise to look out the window and see what was going on. You know, just in case I should start packing up the VEHTS (Very Expensive Home Theater System) and carefully move them outside and out of harms way. Do not be alarmed, dear reader, it turns out that I was in no danger but the house a few doors down from me was in desperate need of water because it was currently on fire.
Seeing this as a golden opportunity to test out my brand spankin’ new digital camera (delivered at 4:53pm today by my good friend Mr. FedEx) I quickly watched the last 10 minutes of Cannonball Run, turned off the TV, got up from the couch, opened up a can of soda, put on my ever-ready pair of Danger Flip-Flops, grabbed the camera and headed outside.
I’m quick like a Llama.
Since I haven’t read the owners manual or even attempted to figure out what the silly, cryptic symbols on the camera mean, my picture taking skills are quite low. However, I was able to get a shot of the fire engines in all their glory as they sat there in the street with their lights spinning round and round and round.
Isn’t that pretty?
So, I’ve had an exciting evening of bad television, watching a neighbor’s house burn and thereby having an excuse to use a new Geek toy and lastly sharing with the world just how pathetic I am by writing about it on my web site. Now if only I had a big sign for my neck that said, “Kick me, I’m a loser.” my life would be complete.
I love my FedEx guy. It’s a special kind of love, usually found only between men who have shared some kind of intense, traumatic experience together. Like being in a war, surviving a hijacking or sitting through an entire episode of Temptation Island with your girlfriend asking questions like, “Do you think our relationship would be able to survive this?”
I love him not because he is handsome or because he wears those sexy shorts that women find so alluring, no. I love him simply because he brings me cool stuff that I ordered online the day before. He brings these things right to my door and all I have to do is sign my name and viola! I get stuff.
I love getting stuff.
He should be here any minute with yet another delivery of FedEx lovin’ just for me. I’m all pins and needles with excitement. My nipples are hard. Soon I will have another silly, electronic, Geek toy to play with and the world will shudder in horror as I unleash my joy by either writing an entry about it or by dressing up as Britney Spears and recreating the entire Oops, I Did It Again video sequence.
May god have mercy on your souls…
“Danger Island” will be a weekly one hour reality television show. It will not be a low brow descent into schlock television nor will it be a primitive display of good versus evil. Instead, it will be an incredible mythological display of evil competing with evil for the exceedingly rare opportunity to compensate victims for past crimes committed against them.
Someone needs to stop these people.
When I was young (before the wheel, but after fire) my brother and I had some of the coolest toys on the planet. I’m talking about Micronauts here. As in “The interchangeable world of”. We used to sit and play for hours with these things, shooting each other with the little, tiny, choking hazard missiles. Trust me, they were choking hazards. Ask my brother about the Star Wars Falcon in the Cave Reenactment Fiasco of 78′ and watch his eyes go very round and white. Of course, this was before the warnings were put on the boxes so no one thought twice about handing toys with small plastic pieces that could be shot with great force at the press of a button to kids.
Anyway, it was my birthday a while ago and my bro finally gave me my presents last night. Yeah, he’s a little slow sometimes. Anywaste, somehow, somewhere he found the ORIGINAL figures for Giant Acroyear and the Micronaut Battle Cruiser in the ORIGINAL boxes! The figures even had the original stickers, still un-applied, in the box. I’m a collector of silly and stupid things so to say I was happy is a slight understatement. I almost stopped the Magic: The Gathering game I was playing to put them together and play with them. Then I thought better of it and carefully put them back in their boxes and have since stored them in a cool, dry place out of direct sunlight. What can I say? I’m a Geek.
But for today at least, my brother is very cool.
The Mighty Shop is now open! Grab granny, and click on over so you can spend all of your hard earned cash on some of the dumbest crap on the planet. Everything from ugly-as-sin shirts to make-me-look-like-a-schmuck hats to why-god-why mugs. I’ve got it all and my prices are INSANE!
That’s right, I’ve joined the growing group of pathetic web loggers who feel it’s necessary to bombard the world with their misguided attempts to become rich and famous through self branded Café Press merchandise. Humor me, I’m a Geek for chrissakes.
So what are you waiting for?!? Click over there now and make me money!
After signing up for a Café Press account and creating all the graphics I’ll need, I realized that I didn’t have a witty tag line for my site. As everyone knows, you have as much chance of selling branded merchandise without a witty tag line as you do of finding a fresh donut at Dunkin Donuts at 4:15am. With dreams of rolling naked in a great big pile of cash a la Scrooge McDuck dancing in my head, I came up with the following tag lines. If you have a better suggestion or just want to vote for your favorite, write me a comment.
- Do not be alarmed. I am a Geek.
- I am. Are you?
- Women love my slide rule
- I’m a ‘l337 h@x0r’, yo.
- Faster than a speeding T3
- Polyester suits rule
- Paid to be smarter than you
- Too dumb to be a Nerd
- The world needs more duct tape.
- Geek-shirt, Who’da thunk?
- I’m on a (shirt/mug/hat), what’ve you done?
- Duke of URL
- I’ve got a wedgie
- This space left intentionally blank (arrow pointing up)
- Submit Wage Monkey, or die.
This is it. I’m at the point where I’ve run out of major tweaks and feel like this site is ready for “Prime Time”. That’s tech-speak for “going live”. There are still a few minor tweaks here and there to take care of, some more graphics to make and I still need to create a store where you’ll be able to purchase Mighty Geek paraphernalia at outrageous prices, but for the most part this site is done.
So come on in, look around, grab a brew and sit down by the fire. Dinner’s at 7:30, Bingo starts at 9:00, and everyone who plays is a winner.
The Mighty Geek is now open. Welcome.
Officially, this site still isn’t ‘live’, but I still feel compelled to write something every now and again. I have nothing to say really, I just have a need to let the world know I’m still alive and no amount of pepper spray will keep me away. Well, since you’re here reading this, I guess I might as well update you on the progress I’m making on this site.
Uh, how does very little sound?
It’s not that I haven’t been trying desperately to get this site ready for it’s official launch, which was the end of June but hey, it’s the thought that counts. It’s just that I seem to be thwarted at almost every turn by my archenemy, Laziness. To be fair, my doing actual work on this site is pretty far-fetched since I am an Olympic Level Lazy-Assed Bastard and have won numerous awards both nationally and internationally for my Herculean abilities in the area of Human Laziness.
Remote control wrestling? Gold medal.
Sleep Marathon? Two gold, one silver and a host of bronze.
Looking busy while having nothing to do? World Champion.
Faced with this level of anti-athletic ability, it’s a wonder that I’ve gotten this far at all.
Excerpt from a (slightly embellished) telephone conversation;
Client :: “Hi Geek, it’s Client. How are you?”
Geek :: “Hi Client! I’m fine how’ve you been?”
Client :: “Good, good. Sorry I haven’t called in a while but now that I have I was wondering what your schedule looked like.”
Geek :: “My schedule? For when?”
Client :: “How about this afternoon? I need someone to do some graphic work. It’s easy stuff and it should only be for a couple of hours.”
Little Voice in Geek’s Head :: “Run! Run far, run fast, but RUN!”
Geek :: “I think I can make it this afternoon. How does 2pm sound?”
Client :: “Great! Bring a computer with you.”
Little Voice :: “Here it comes.”
Geek :: “You need my computer? Uh, how big is this job?”
Client :: “Well, actually we’re creating a pitch for the business of (really big company). They’re looking for a new PR firm and we made the second cut. We need an entire multimedia presentation by 8:00 tomorrow morning. Be here by noon. Bye!”
Little Voice :: “You poor, stupid fool.”
Geek :: “Someone kill me.”
Although no one did manage to kill me, it wasn’t for lack of trying.