HoBiscuit

Snippet of a slightly embellished conversation with my girlfriend:

MightyGeek “Y’know, I need a name for you on my site. Calling you ‘girlfriend’ all the time is getting tedious.”

Girlfriend “OK. How about SlutPuppy?”

MG “Pardon?”

GF “Slut. Puppy.”

MG “You want me to call you SlutPuppy? On my website? For the whole world to see?”

GF (Laughing) “OK. OK. How about HoBiscuit?”

MG “Ho. Biscuit.”

GF *Uncontrolled giggling*

MG “Sigh. Well, at least it sounds a little classier than Slutpuppy. HoBiscuit could almost be a new cracker from Nabisco.”

GF (Laughing) “Don’t you write about this, ok? I don’t want people to think I’m crazy or anything.”

MG “Oh, this is soooo getting blogged.”

I have the coolest girlfriend. Ever.

I Still Need A Vacation

Well, I’m back. There will be no apologies made for my lack of posting while I was away because I had no internet connection while on board the ship. Even worse, after my last post from Puerto Rico the cruise only stopped at one more island (St. Thomas). That’s right, I didn’t get to see St. Maarten or Bermuda due to another hurricane (Dean). So all in all, I didn’t get to go where I wanted to go and I didn’t get to go where I didn’t want to go either.

Sometimes life can be really cruel.

We were stuck on the ship so long that my girlfriend actually got a shuffleboard-related injury. She insists that her left buttock is in considerable pain due to too much shuffleboard. Don’t let the innocent almost slow-motion-like movements fool you. Shuffleboard is a full contact sport only to be played by professionals or the very elderly.

She is soooooo out of shape. And I am sooooo dead.

I’ll be posting a full story complete with pictures about my Cruise From Hell later today or tomorrow. Some highlights will be finding out our itinerary had changed, things to do while stuck on board a ship, pictures of fabulous water ripples and don’t miss the mutiny on board by unhappy passengers. Yes, there was an actual ”mutiny” of about 500 passengers who were even more upset than I was about the horrible cruise. By the last day they were talking about calling their lawyers and some were even talking about calling the media.

As if the media doesn’t have anything better to do with their time than listen to a bunch of overwieght, buffet-loving old ladies and trailer-trash bitch and moan because they didn’t enjoy their cruise. I can understand being upset about the situation, but some of these people needed to relax and get a life that doesn’t include Jerry Springer or Cheeto’s. Getting riled up while still on board is only going to make a bad situation worse.

Until I post the full story later, let me sum up my experience on board the ship by saying that if it wasn’t for the wonderful people my girlfriend and I sat with at our dinner table, the entire cruise would have been a complete waste of time and money. Don’t get me wrong, every other cruise I’ve been on has been wonderful to the extreme. This one just seemed to be bad from the moment we set foot on board.

You know, I should have known it would be bad when we got on board and I saw rats with little suitcases and worried expressions getting off.

Now that that’s over with, let me tell you about the lovely head cold I’ve developed. I’m leaking fluids from every orifice, my ears are stuffed with cotton and my bones ache so badly I think I’d start crying if I so much as farted. Right now I’m going to take some drugs, go lie down on my Comfy-Couch of Super-Sleep and think mean and spiteful things about everyone in the cruise line business.

Who knows, I might even feel well enough later to post something funny.

A Change In Plans

Hello from cloudy, sweltering, humid, sweaty and hot Puerto Rico! Your favorite geek shouldn’t even be here at all, but due to a little thing called Chantal (hurricane, that is) my whole cruise itinerary has changed from West to East. After having researched every excursion that we could possibly go on for the Western Caribbean cruise, my girlfriend was just a tad upset to find out that we were going to completely different ports of call. Everything will probably work out fine, but right, since we already spent a month in PR 4 months ago, we’re not too excited about being here again.

We’ve done a lot of fun stuff that most people would laugh at if we did it on dry land. We’ve played shuffleboard on the Promenade Deck (really, we did. stop laughing.), bingo bingo bingo, watched Broadway shows get butchered on-stage, danced while a horrible DJ played horrible music, and ate until our lower intestines attempted to cut off the flow of incoming food by reaching up and strangling us.

Then we went to the midnight buffet to beat our digestive system back into submission.

I don’t have internet access on the ship, so no pictures for you. I’ll try and write more when we land on shore at St. Thomas tomorrow.

Vacation Time

Tomorrow I am leaving on a well-deserved vacation. I’ll soon be lying in the sun on Lido Deck, sipping the Cruise Special Drink whilst vestigial virgins massage my tired feet. Yes, dear reader, The Geek is going on a cruise. Pay no heed to the fact that it’s the height of hurricane season and that I might wind up like Leo. Nevermind that the Weather Channel thinks a tropical storm is headed directly towards my travel route. Forget that I could wind up as the main course in Feast of the Giant Sharks. This is my first vacation in four years and I’m not going to let a few minor annoyances like weather or death deter me from enjoying myself. I’m going to soak in hot water till my muscles ooze off my body and form puddles of super-relaxed goo at my feet. I’m gonna bet the deed to my llama on a single roll of the dice at Mr. Evil Casino’s Crap Game of Shame and Destitution. And I’m going to eat my own body weight in lard at the midnight buffet.

I might die, but I’ll die happy dammit.

I’ve begun packing the essentials (One bottle Insta-Tan Lotion. Check. One muscle T-shirt to show off ‘bod’. Check. One pair Danger Flip-Flops. Check) and tidying up my apartment in preparation for my exodus to the Vacationland of Fun and Relaxation. For me, leaving on a vacation is very different from leaving on a business trip. Packing wise, on a business trip I know exactly what I’ll need. Warm, long-sleeve shirts and dress pants. Even if I’m going to be in Brazil during July, I’ll still need warm clothes because all I’ll ever see is the inside of a dark and FREEZING COLD ballroom. That’s right, no sun for our favorite Geek when he’s working. Hell, I’m lucky if I get to eat twice a day with some of these people. But when I’m packing for a vacation, which I haven’t done in years, I find myself looking over a huge pile of clothes and muttering things like,

“You know, I don’t think I’ll need four suits for a 7 day cruise. Maybe I’ll just take three.”

“Do black socks go with sandals?”

“I wonder if I’ll actually wear shorts this time? Maybe I should pack an extra pair of pants, just in case.”

“Will my girlfriend find my tighty-whities sexy, or should I pack my thongs too?”

“Waitaminute! How will I check my email?!?”

At least I know I’ll be able to get the internet while I’m on board. I’m bringing Gunm (my favorite laptop) with me and I’ll have a satellite connection from my stateroom. Of course, that means I’ll be posting from the ship, which I think will be really cool. How many people out there can say they’ve posted an entry from 150 miles out at sea? And if the storm gets me, how many could say they’ve posted from the stomach of a shark?

Now it’s time to get back to packing. I have to be at the airport at 4:45am tomorrow because I’m out of my frigging mind. Why would any sane person choose to leave at that ungodly hour unless it was some kind of life or death emergency? No one, that’s who.

I must really need this vacation.

Happy. Sad. Joyful. Mad.

Ever have one of those weird days where you can’t figure out if you should be pissed off or happy? Yesterday was one of those days for me and I really didn’t know which emotion fit me better.

  • Woke up early to go see Diana Krall perform live at my girlfriends office.
  • Got there late and only got to see and hear one song before she skedaddled.
  • Accosted by the new “You broke my glasses!” scam making its way around the city.
  • Received change for a $20 when I was paying with a $10.
  • Accosted a second time, in Wendy’s no less, by a guy trying to sell fake gold jewelry.
  • Got caught in a sudden thunderstorm without my umbrella.
  • Saw a bum with a sign, “Tell me off for $2.00”
  • On the cold and wet train ride home, helped a young girl who began bleeding from a cut on her temple she got while rollerblading.

To top it all off, a package with my girlfriends birthday present that I’ve been waiting to receive for over two months was finally delivered. Unfortunately, I wasn’t home at the time to get it so they’re gonna try again today. Sigh, what’s a Geek to do?

Is That The Fact, Jack?

Samurai Jack is a very cool show. I’m so impressed by the artistic skill needed to create every aspect of the show that I want to create a shrine to Genndy Tartakovsky, where I’ll burn Crayola Candles and sacrifice bootleg copies of PhotoShop in the hopes of gaining his favor. Everything from the character design to the sound effects to the voice acting is phenomenal. Hell, even the backgrounds are more impressive than almost any other cartoon I’ve seen lately. In it’s own way, Samurai Jack impresses me more than Final Fantasy or Shrek did when I saw them in the theater.

Since it impressed me so much I decided to create a desktop wallpaper design that would commemorate my induction into the Samurai Jack Loser Fan Club of the Greater North Eastern Section of The Land Mass Known as ‘Merica. The wallpaper can be found here. If you’ll look to the right of your screen there’s a good chance you’ll see a brand new link in the ‘Mighty Media’ column called coincidentally enough, Wallpaper. It is my plan to add new wallpaper to my site every month, but when you’re busy like I am it’s hard to make the time for these fun little side projects. And just in case you’re wondering, whether I’m busy or not, I can always find a good reason not to do something. It doesn’t even matter if it’s something I want to do, I’ll still find some way to not do it.

It’s a skill I’ve been developing since I was but a wee child and I’ve gotten good at it. Very Good.

Saturday Night Fever

Right now, I’m attempting to perfect my abilities as a loser by watching Automan on SciFi. If you don’t remember this little gem of early eighties crap television then you are very, very fortunate. It sucked then and it sucks now. In fact, it sucks even more now because I’m older and know the difference between your average sucky TV show like Dawson’s Creek and a complete suckfest like Automan. If anyone should ever ask you to name the most sucky TV show ever made the first thing to come to your mind should be Automan.

My god, it sucks.

On a lighter note, I had a great Saturday of shopping at an outlet mall with my girlfriend and then going to my friend Sleepy’s rooftop party. Here’s a little tip for all the city drivers out there, when going shopping in another state do your best to leave the mall early. Doing so will help you avoid traffic that can make even the calmest of Geeks cranky and lead to saying bad things to your girlfriend that will cause a marked decrease in your Sweet Lovin’ quotient.

Note to Self :: When girlfriend asks whether an article of clothing makes her look fat, do not reply with “I don’t think it’s the clothes, honey.”

Party Time!The party that night was great. A whole bunch of people showed up and we all danced the night away on Sleepy’s roof that just happens to have a terrific, beautiful and completely unobstructed view of the city. My girlfriend would leave me in a flash if she could get that view. I know, she told me. All friggen night. Hell, it’s all good cause I’d sell her for a chance of having that view.

She knows, I told her.

Here’s a little tip from the Geek to you. Remember that when at a party, babies and dogs should be kept far away from the party dip. I never knew this but babies seem to be notorious for putting their slimy, dirty, filthy little hands into anything that even looks like it might be soft and mushy, and dogs just follow the little brats around eating everything they drop. At one point in the party, I looked down and saw the dog standing on top of one of the little snack tables eating a slice of pizza someone had left there. The kid was spooning tiny handfuls of dip onto the pizza as encouragement for the mutt. If I had my camera at that point I would have taken a picture, but I was too busy shaking my groove thing on the dance floor.

Oh yeah, baby. Travolta, eat your heart out.